


the anatomy of you and me

by skyclectic



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Major Character Injury, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Slow Burn, major angst, minor Jeongyeon/Mina, minor Momo/Jihyo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-03-15 19:05:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 57,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13619766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyclectic/pseuds/skyclectic
Summary: As one of the best pediatric cardiothoracic surgeons for her age, Nayeon has held countless hearts in her hands. She takes them apart, puts them back together and feels the rhythm of life beat strongly every day.If only it's that easy to fix herself - to repair the damage to her own heart and remove this lingering ache beneath her ribs.





	1. preview

**Author's Note:**

> Just a small snippet of something I'm working on that's completely taken over my headspace the past few days.

When Nayeon pulls into the parking lot, the familiar facade of the hospital greets her like an old friend. The hospital looks exactly the same as how it did when she had walked out the doors all those years ago.

The only thing that's different is the slight figure waiting for her right outside the glass doors. Nayeon sighs a little because _of course_ Jihyo would be stubbornly standing there waiting for her despite the frigid winter temperature.

"If you get hypothermia and your fingers fall off," Nayeon calls out as she walks over. "You're going to have to find another surgeon to reattach them because I don't do surgeries for old people."

Jihyo rolls her eyes and waits for Nayeon to fall into step beside her before setting off on a brisk walk into the hospital. 

"It's my duty as Chief to welcome every new surgeon that comes through our doors, Dr Im," Jihyo tells her, in a clipped official-sounding voice, as they pass through the atrium.

"Well, _Chief_ ," Nayeon says lightly, reaching over to tug on Jihyo's elbow. She waits until Jihyo turns and holds her gaze.

"I know my way around, Jihyo-yah," Nayeon continues quietly then she offers Jihyo a small conspiratorial smile. "I even know all the secret passageways and hiding places. For you know, naps or _other activities_."

Jihyo's lips twitch ever so slightly but her eyes dance with amusement. "There are no such things."

Nayeon snorts then her smile sobers as she regards one of her oldest friends seriously. "I'll be fine. You don't have to babysit me, okay? I know you have a million other things to get done as Chief of Surgery, so go."

When Jihyo still hesitates, Nayeon presses on. "Seriously, I'll be _fine_."

"No, I know you will," Jihyo says dismissively, waving her hand around. She takes a deep breath and a wistful smile blossoms onto her face. "I just need to get used to seeing you walking around the halls again."

 

 

 

Nayeon meets Mina again on the third day, at the end of a long 12-hour shift. She's exhausted and she's sure she looks dead on her feet. 

It's a miracle how they have yet to bump into each other before now but they're in different departments and to be fair, Nayeon hasn't seen Jihyo much since her first day either. 

Mina catches her arm just when she's about to step out of the hospital. 

"Hi," she says simply, in  that same soft gentle voice. Her fingers reach out to brush away Nayeon's fringe from her face and Nayeon's eyes flutter closed at her cool touch.

"Hi," Nayeon echoes, doesn't really know what to say to someone she hasn't spoken to in years.

Mina's mouth quirks slightly. "I have a hemispherectomy scheduled tomorrow. A 6 year old girl."

Nayeon raises her eyebrows at that. It's a very rare neurosurgical procedure that essentially consists of removing half of a patient's brain to treat their epileptic seizures. There are only a handful of surgeons who do the procedure in the country and it seems Mina is now one of them.

"You're welcome to scrub in," Mina offers and her smile widens at the way Nayeon's eyes light up. "7am in OR 1."

"Thank you," Nayeon says sincerely, knowing it's Mina's way of extending an olive branch, of burying the hatchet.

Mina doesn't reply, her eyes focused on something over Nayeon's shoulder. Nayeon turns just in time to catch a flash of blonde hair disappear around the corner.  

"She'll come around," Mina tells her, noticing the stricken look on Nayeon's face that she doesn't quite manage to hide in time.

Nayeon laughs dryly. "Your wife can hold a grudge to her grave, so I don't know, Mina."

"She'll come around," Mina repeats then shifts forward and presses an achingly soft kiss to Nayeon's forehead.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Dr Im," she says before walking away.

 


	2. the ache beneath my ribs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire fic is mostly inspired from [this tumblr prompt](https://gaykpopgirls.tumblr.com/post/167900322270/now-imagine-fluffy-sanayeon-breaking-up-after) about fluffy sanayeon breaking up after years together, and partly from watching too much Grey's Anatomy. 
> 
> Also, I didn't expect this to be quite this _long_ and it's only the first chapter so it's going to be quite a ride.

 

She wakes with a start, heart pounding a rapid staccato against her ribs. Nayeon can no longer recall the details yet the nightmare lingers. It leaves her breathless, vague panic still thrumming in her veins.

It’s too early to be awake, but Nayeon untangles herself from the sheets, burning with the need to wash away the remnants of her dream.

In the shower, Nayeon closes her eyes, letting the water run over her. She takes deep even breaths even though she knows the dull ache beneath her breastbone will linger long after she leaves the bathroom.

Reaching out a shaking hand, Nayeon turns the tap all the way to the right. She barely flinches when the water turns scalding, letting it pound against her skin for longer than usual.

For a while, it’s helpful to have something else, a different pain, to focus on.

It's almost 6 by the time Nayeon gets out of the shower, still too early for her to head to the hospital. She doesn't have a surgery scheduled for another three hours, and her residents are more than capable of handling morning rounds without her.

Still, Nayeon pulls on a simple black turtleneck and her favourite pair of jeans, and heads for the kitchen.

There's coffee already brewed in her coffee maker. Nayeon pours a little into a mug and takes a sip. The bitter taste sobers her up instantly, makes her feel more balanced than she did when she woke up earlier. 

She drains the rest of the pot into her thermos for later and heads for the door. She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror near the foyer. She looks impossibly pale, almost gaunt, and there are heavy dark circles under her eyes, weariness in every line of her face. 

It causes such a flash of hurt in her chest that Nayeon has to take a full minute to just breathe before stepping out the door. 

The lobby is empty except for the doorman who straightens immediately when he recognises her. 

"Good morning," he greets, pulling the door open for Nayeon with a smile. "You're early today."

Nayeon just offers him a tight smile and a soft thank you. 

"Have a good day, Dr Im!" he calls, as she steps out of the building to get to her car.

His voice carries after her, echoing along the empty lobby. Nayeon closes her eyes for a brief second, and wishes fervently for it to be true.

Even though she knows only too well - it's been 5 years now after all - that today will be anything but good. 

The surgeons' lounge is already a flurry of activity by the time she arrives. 

"You're really early, today," Sunmi greets around a mouthful of chocolate muffin, just as Nayeon is opening her locker.

Nayeon shrugs, pulling off her turtleneck and jeans swiftly, and stuffing them unceremoniously into her locker. No one bats an eyelid at the sight of Nayeon in her underwear - they're _surgeons_ , they see naked bodies almost every day. 

"You know," Sunmi nags with a disapproving frown. "It would take you less than _10 seconds_ to actually _hang up_ your clothes like what normal people do."

Nayeon rolls her eyes, pulling on her scrubs and quickly tying up her hair into a ponytail. 

"Shut up, unnie," she retorts, stealing the rest of Sunmi's muffin for herself. "And go home. Get some sleep. I know you've been on call since last night."

" _You're_ the one that looks like you need the sleep," Sunmi fires back then her gaze softens slightly. "Are you okay? I know today is - "

"I'm fine," Nayeon cuts in sharply, injecting more than enough finality in her voice to signal the end of the conversation. 

Sunmi lets out a little sigh but raises her hands in defeat at the sharp glare Nayeon throws at her.

"Well, you know I'm always here if you need to talk about it," she says matter-of-factly before walking away.

Nayeon watches as her closest friend in the hospital disappears down the corridor. It makes a lump rise up in her throat without warning and Nayeon hastily leaves too.

She heads straight for Kyuhan's room in the paediatric ward. It's still too early to prepare him for surgery but Nayeon doesn't mind spending the extra time with him. If anything, his bright smile will be a good enough distraction from all the things she cannot bear to think about, especially today. 

"Time of death, 4.52pm."

A silence heavy with grief follows Nayeon's words, broken only by the long, extended beep of the heart monitor. 

Nayeon takes a step back as nurses begin removing the tubes and wires attached to Kyuhan's lifeless body.

Someone switches off the heart monitor and the ensuing silence weighs heavier on all of them in the room.

Nayeon lets her eyes drift close for a moment and breathes deeply. 

It happens.

The surgery earlier went well, better than Nayeon expected, and Kyuhan was brought to the paediatric ICU for recovery with a good prognosis. 

Nayeon was in the cafeteria to grab a quick bite before her evening rounds when she was paged urgently by the ICU nurse.

By the time she ran back to his room, Kyuhan had already gone into cardiac arrest. 

Nayeon knows there was nothing that could have prevented this. Kyuhan was already incredibly sick by the time he came under Nayeon's care - born with several holes in his heart and arteries wired the wrong way so oxygen could not get to his body properly.

Both Nayeon and his parents knew the risks. In most complex paediatric heart surgeries, one out of five patients will die. 

Still, losing him chips away at her own heart, making the unbearable ache she woke up with, grow even sharper. 

She grieves together with his parents when they come in to say goodbye to their son. He was only 13 months old, much too young for this.

Nayeon stays all the way until they come to move his tiny body to the morgue.

Only when the gurney has disappeared down the corridor, does she move, holding her head up high as she leaves to check on her other patients.  

Later, at the end of her shift, Nayeon goes to the morgue. She asks to see him, sweet little Kyuhan who had one of the sunniest smiles she had ever seen. 

It's what she always does every time she loses a patient. The staff are already expecting her, excusing themselves from the room to give her the space she needs.

Nayeon lays a gentle hand on the cold skin of his cheek. Her other hand comes up to trace the line of angry red stitches running down the middle of his tiny chest.

She whispers an apology around the sob threatening to escape her throat.

Over the years, Nayeon has lost more patients than she wanted to, all too young to have such a fate written for them.

The pain of losing them, these children she tried her very best to help, become scars that never really go away.  She's always going to carry the scars with her, and it never gets any easier.

Nayeon allows herself another minute to grieve before saying her final goodbye with a soft kiss to Kyuhan's forehead. 

Life is fragile and people die everyday, but life has to go on. The universe has to keep moving forward. There are still kids out there who need her, so many more that need her to fight like hell for them.

So Nayeon turns away from Kyuhan, turns her back on him and all the others she's lost before him. 

She can only face forward now, to the next kid that needs saving. 

Nayeon sinks into the plush upholstery of her Audi, feeling weariness heavy in her bones. That same ache beneath her ribs is still there, like it has always been. It's a little sharper today because of Kyuhan, and because it's also the day Nayeon lost everything all at once.

It's been 5 years now but it still hurts just as much as it did the first time.

Back when Sana left their apartment, leaving her side of the wardrobe empty and Nayeon's heart shattered into a million pieces over their bedroom floor. 

She's just pulling into the carpark of her apartment complex when her phone rings. Nayeon is distracted enough that she answers without looking at the caller ID.

"Nayeon?" A familiar voice comes through, sending a lightning quick shudder down Nayeon's spine.

Nayeon doesn't answer, focusing as hard as she can on parking the car safely. Her hands are starting to shake and it takes her a few tries before she manages it.

"Nayeon-ah?" the voice echoes and Nayeon swallows audibly, weighing her options.

Her finger hovers over the reject button, ready to disconnect the call. She's not ready to break years of silence with one of her oldest friends.

Not today of all days.

"Nayeon, come on, I know you're there. I can hear you breathing."

Nayeon takes in a deep shuddering breath. "Hi, Jihyo-yah."

"Hi," Jihyo's voice sounds strained now, like she's not quite sure what to say after Nayeon acknowledges her.

The silence stretches awkwardly between them and it makes Nayeon increasingly uncomfortable.

"Why are you calling?" Nayeon manages to force out, heart hammering at the base of her throat.

There's uncomfortable silence for another beat then the sound of rustling. Nayeon can barely make out the low murmur in the background. 

With a jolt, Nayeon recognises some of the words spoken in Kansai-ben. Before she can think it through, her next question comes flying out of her mouth. 

"Is that _Momo_ beside you?"

There's more rustling then comes Momo's sheepish voice. "Hi, Nayeonnie. Sorry, I butted into your conversation. Jihyo kinda froze for a while and I was just trying to help her out."

" _In Kansai-ben_?" Nayeon asks incredulously, because as far as she knows, Jihyo's Japanese is dismal at best and mostly consists of food names. 

"Well, yeah," Momo begins slowly and Nayeon can almost picture the frown on her face. "She's gotten so much better at it since we got together - "

Momo's words cut off abruptly. There's rustling again and the sound of a door slamming shut. Then Jihyo's voice follows, even more strained now then it was before.

"Sorry, you weren't supposed to find out like that."

 _So how was I supposed to find out then?_ Nayeon wants to ask but doesn't. Instead, she takes a deep breath and forces her next question out in the most casual voice she can manage. 

"So, you and Momo, huh?"

"Yeah, me and Momo," Jihyo confirms quietly. 

There's another awkward beat of silence, one where Nayeon bites on her lip to stop herself from asking more. She doesn't really have a right to ask, not when she hasn't spoken to Jihyo or any of her friends, in years.

A soft sigh rings in her ear, and Nayeon remembers with a sinking feeling that this is _Jihyo_.

Jihyo whom she has known since they were toddlers. Jihyo who probably even now, despite the years between them, can hear all of her unasked questions anyway.

"We've been together 3 and a half years now," Jihyo tells her and it makes guilt knot uncomfortably in Nayeon's stomach. God, what else has she missed?

"It just... well, it just happened all of a sudden really. With Sana in L.A. and you leaving the city too, we started hanging out more, just the two of us, and one thing led to another and..."

Nayeon swallows past the sudden lump in her throat at the mention of Sana's name. Jihyo seems to sense this too because her tone suddenly takes on a hard edge. 

"It's been _5 years_. Don't you think it's time you come home?"

Nayeon doesn't manage to stop her sharp intake of breath in time. "You don't understand."

"I _do_ understand," Jihyo counters, refusing to back down. "I understand perfectly well why you relocated to Jeju  _without telling anyone._ Especially given what happened between you and Sana."

" _Don't_ \- " Nayeon breathes harshly.

"Your talents are _wasted_ in Jeju, Nayeon-ah."

"What?" 

"Dr Sung passed away 2 weeks ago. It was a ruptured cerebral aneurysm and by the time we caught it, it was too late. He had a massive stroke and bled out," Jihyo informs her after a tense moment, in a tone Nayeon guesses is the one she uses in Board Meetings at her family's hospital. 

The same hospital Nayeon did her residency at and walked out from 5 years ago. 

"I'm sorry to hear that," Nayeon says quietly, and she means it. Dr Sung was Head of the Paediatric Department and a good mentor.

"Me too," Jihyo continues in the same business-like tone. "Which is why I need you back. I need you to head the department."

"What?" Nayeon's voice comes out weaker than she intended. She's still struggling to wrap her head around the fact that this is the first time she's hearing Jihyo's voice in _years_.

"Why _me_?"

"You're one of the best paediatric cardiothoracic surgeons in your field. You've done groundbreaking work for someone your age,"Jihyo asserts matter-of-factly, then pauses for a long aching moment. "I've kept up with all the papers you've published."

Nayeon swallows at the way Jihyo's voice loses all of its forced formality from before and frays around the edges towards the end.

Jihyo doesn't say that the papers are her only way of keeping up with how Nayeon has been doing over the years. She doesn't have to. The unspoken words still manage to hang heavily in the air between them. 

"Jihyo-yah," Nayeon manages to say. Her voice trembles unwillingly and she swallows again. "I don't think - "

"I miss you," Jihyo cuts in with the most broken voice Nayeon has ever heard her use.

She can tell immediately that Jihyo's crying, then realises a second later that her own vision is starting to blur too. 

It's what makes her finally disconnect the call without saying anything else. 

The dial tone that follows hurts her even more deeply and Nayeon doesn't bother stopping the tears when they start to fall.  

Minutes later, when she's composed herself enough, Nayeon starts up the car again.

She drives aimlessly for a long while, taking in Jeju's quiet winter beauty.

It calms her, makes it easier to pretend that today is not the 5th anniversary of losing Sana, not the day she lost a patient too young to die, not the day she's just broken 5 years of silence with her oldest friend.

It's easier to pretend that today is just any normal day. 

It's raining heavily when she pulls into an empty parking lot in the carpark hours later. She's a little drenched by the time she enters the apartment lobby and into the waiting elevator.

Before long, the doors slide open on her floor and Nayeon steps out. She begins fishing for her keys in her bag as she makes her way down the hall. 

A small noise in front of her is the only warning she gets before she looks up and meets sharp brown eyes that hold her gaze.

"Nayeonnie," the voice sounds in her ear, for the second time today.

"Momoring," Nayeon replies automatically, then feels panic rising fast up her throat.

Momo's lips quirk into a smile at the nickname. "Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"What are you doing here?" Nayeon asks instead, trying and failing to control the quiver in her voice.

"You hung up on Jihyo," Momo replies matter-of-factly. Like as though that explains everything.

"Momo, today isn't - "

"I know what today is, Nayeon," Momo cuts in, chewing lightly at the corner of her lip. "Look, it's cold out here so can we just go inside? I promise I'll explain everything then. _Please_."

Nayeon has never been able to refuse Momo anything. It holds true even now, regardless of all the years she's spent in Jeju, away from all her friends. Momo's looking at her with pleading eyes and Nayeon cannot bring herself to say no.

"Okay," she says softly, staring at the floor. "You can come in."

There's a beat of silence then slender arms wrap suddenly around Nayeon's body, pulling her in.

"Momo, I'm drenched, don't - "

Momo ignores her, tightening her hold. Nayeon's arms hang limply at her sides for a few seconds until Momo sort of huffs and forces them around her waist. Nayeon takes a few more seconds before tentatively hugging her back. 

"I wish you are as happy to see me as I am to see you," Momo whispers into Nayeon's hair, and it's the second time today that she feels tears threatening to close up her throat.

It doesn't help that this, having Momo wrapped around her like this, feels so familiar that she's suddenly flooded with longing for all the things she left behind so long ago.  

"I can't stay long," Momo tells her, in between sips from the mug of tea before her. "Jihyo thinks I went out to get us dinner." 

At Nayeon's questioning look, Momo sighs a little. "After Dr Sung died, Jihyo convinced the rest of the Board that you're the best person to take the job. She told them she'd talk to you then called in a favour with your Chief of Surgery for a way to reach you."

Nayeon closes her eyes at that. Of course. Jihyo has connections everywhere. Her family owns one of Seoul's best hospitals after all.

"So that's why both of you are in Jeju? To what, woo me over?"

Momo's gaze snaps to Nayeon's face and turns suddenly sharp. "Is it so wrong for her to want to convince you in person? Or for me to come along for a chance to see you too? It's been years, okay, so you can't fault us for _trying_."

"I'm _not_ ," Nayeon fires back just as heatedly, then deflates a moment later at the look on Momo's face. "I just - why today?"

She breaks off and takes a deep shuddering breath, trying to hold on to her composure.

"Why today of all days?"

Her voice comes out all splintered and she realises she's crying when Momo's fingers brush her cheek and come away wet with Nayeon's tears. 

"We thought you could use a friend," Momo replies gently, taking Nayeon's hand in hers and rubbing her thumb over Nayeon's knuckles soothingly. "We know today's not a very good day for you so I don't know, I guess we just thought you'd feel better if you had someone with you."

Momo squeezes Nayeon's hand gently then waits for Nayeon to look at her. 

"Jihyo was going to ask if you wanted to meet us for dinner after telling you about the job offer. But you hung up on her."

She offers Nayeon a little wistful smile, sad and broken around the edges. It brings a fresh wave of tears to Nayeon's eyes and she hastily blinks them away. 

"Yeah," Nayeon says softly, taking another deep steadying breath and then clumsily changing the subject. "How come Jihyo doesn't know you're here?"

Momo's smile turns fond at her words and it's strange to see it on Momo's face, especially in relation to Jihyo. But it's not an unwelcome sight and despite everything, Nayeon finds herself feeling genuinely happy that her friends have somehow found each other.

"She's beating herself up for pushing you too hard, thinks that it may be too soon or that you're just going to feel ambushed or something. You know how she gets, always putting others before herself. So she was already packing our bags, would rather fly home empty-handed than hurt you by trying to reach out again."

"That still doesn't explain how you turned up at my doorstep, Momo," Nayeon murmurs, still struggling to maintain some kind of hold on her emotions. It's too much, all of it, and Nayeon is trying really really hard not to just fall apart completely.

"You know me," Momo replies easily, with a shrug. "I'm tenacious to a fault, according to all our high school teachers, remember? I wasn't going to just go home and give up on you so easily. Because _I know you_. And I know the fact that you didn't hang up on Jihyo sooner and the fact that you let me into your apartment, counts for something even if you refuse to admit it does."

A tiny chuckle escapes Nayeon's lips before she can stop it because she remembers Momo from high school. Remembers Momo blonde-haired, stubborn and insisting on practising her routine for the national urban dance competition despite a severely sprained ankle and strict orders for bed rest.

She remembers too how the rest of them had decided by unspoken agreement - in the face of Momo's stubbornness - to take turns keeping her company in the practice studio, to make sure she didn't end up getting even more hurt. God, they had all been so _young_ then.

"Always stubborn as a mule," Nayeon quips, smiling faintly at the immediate scowl that takes over Momo's face at her words.

"Says you," Momo retorts, then turns suddenly serious, locking her gaze onto Nayeon's own and not letting her look away. "It doesn't mean I'm not mad at you. Because I am. For making us choose sides between you and -"

"I never made any of you choose," Nayeon cuts in sharply, mouth dry. She doesn't think she can bear it right now, hearing Sana's name out loud.

"No, but you made the choice for us all on your own by leaving the way you did," Momo shoots back, but there's no real heat in her voice, just a tinge of sadness. "I'm mad at you for that too."

There's a pause and then, "But I miss you more."

Before she can say anything though, Momo's already pulled her into another fierce hug and this time, Nayeon doesn't hesitate to hug her back.

"Come for dinner with us tomorrow," Momo murmurs. "I think you owe us that much, Nayeonnie."

"Okay," Nayeon agrees just as softly, feeling the weariness heavy in her bones. 

"Okay," she repeats, sinking further into Momo's embrace, into the comfort and warmth it offers that she's only come to realise she's been missing all along. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Momo tells Nayeon distractedly, as she puts on her shoes. 

"See you tomorrow," Nayeon echoes, and then smiles when Momo grins at her lopsidedly. 

She allows Momo to pull her into another brief hug before letting go and walking down the hallway.

Momo's almost at the elevator when Nayeon calls out to her again. She turns and blinks curiously at Nayeon who swallows past the lump in her throat.

"Is it - is it pathetic that I'm still this hung up on it?" 

She can't quite look at Momo after that, keeping her gaze locked onto the marble floor instead. She hears Momo walking back towards her, then sees the tips of Momo's sneakers at the edge of her vision. 

Momo's fingers tip her chin up gently, forcing Nayeon to meet her eyes, brimming with too much understanding. "No, it may be a long time ago, but there are just some people you can't let go easily no matter how long it's been."

A shaky laugh slips out of Nayeon's lips. "I wish it was easier."

"I know," Momo tells her softly. "But remember what I told you, the last time we saw each other?"

Of course, Nayeon remembers. She's been reliving memories in her dreams most nights for the past 5 years.

"You told me there were tons of other fish in the sea," she answers in a small voice, knowing where Momo is going to take this conversation, and knowing that it's probably going to hurt all over again.

"Yeah," Momo sighs. "You said you didn't want fish, you just wanted _Sana_."

Nayeon's breath hitches without her permission and Momo sighs again. "I never forgot that and I know you haven't either. Maybe you need to be honest with yourself about what that means."

"I'm sorry," she continues, brushing away a stray tear that escapes from the corner of Nayeon's eye. "But I really do need to go. Jihyo's already left 3 missed calls and I still have to _actually_ grab dinner for us."

Nayeon nods, not trusting her voice to speak. Momo shifts forward and presses a tender kiss to Nayeon's forehead.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Nayeonnie," she says, then she's gone and Nayeon's alone again. 

After all this time, it shouldn't feel as painful as it does. 

Nayeon wakes up the next morning, still feeling too emotionally raw and drained from all the crying. 

There's a photograph on her nightstand that helps whenever she wakes up from another memory, ill-disguised as a dream.

Nayeon stares at it now; the photograph of her first sunrise in Jeju, the first sunrise after Sana, after everything. It's beautiful and it's supposed to remind her that the sun still rises, that life can still be beautiful even after the darkest of storms.

Today though, it offers little comfort - she looks at it, this beautiful sunrise, and only feels hollow.

She spends the day at work, in the surgeons' lounge, surrounded by a mountain of paperwork and too many cups of coffee.

No one bothers her until Sunmi comes in right after lunch and practically slams a sandwich on top of the messy papers in front of Nayeon.

"Eat then talk," she shoots at Nayeon, before taking a seat at the table and crossing her arms, narrowing her eyes at Nayeon. 

Nayeon complies because Sunmi has her serious face on, and even though they're really good friends, as Head of the Paediatric Department, Sunmi is still technically her boss. 

"What's up with you today?" Sunmi begins as Nayeon finishes the last of the sandwich. "You _hate_ paperwork. Also, we have _electronic charts_ and you shouldn't even be doing paperwork in the first place."

"I needed a good distraction," Nayeon admits, tossing the sandwich wrapper into the bin nearby. 

At Sunmi's raised eyebrows, Nayeon takes a deep breath and ends up talking about everything.  About hearing from her friends after 5 years, about Jihyo's job offer, about Momo and Jihyo. 

Sunmi's the only one that knows the full story why Nayeon transferred to a hospital in Jeju with only 2 months left of her residency to complete. She knows about Sana too, knows why Nayeon refuses to speak to any of her friends, before last night that is. 

 Still, she lets out a low whistle when Nayeon's finally done recounting all that happened last night.

"Okay, I completely understand your need to drown yourself in mountains of paperwork," she quips, then peers at Nayeon seriously. "Are you okay though? Have you thought about what you're going to do?"

Nayeon shakes her head miserably. "I don't know."

Sunmi hums at that but doesn't push Nayeon any further, something that Nayeon is grateful for. 

"Come on," she says instead. "I'm due for an open-heart surgery on a very sick newborn baby. You're scrubbing in."

Nayeon doesn't protest when Sunmi gathers up all the paperwork into a neat pile and then dumps it on a poor resident passing by.

If anything, surgery is going to be an even more effective distraction. She's going to need it before dinner later.  

Nayeon arrives at the restaurant a good half an hour before Momo and Jihyo. She smiles politely at the waitress, asks for a table tucked away in the furthest corner, and sits facing the glass doors of the restaurant.

It's a deliberate choice on her part. It may have been years but she selfishly wants to keep this memory for herself - the first time two of her oldest friends walk back into her life.

She catches sight of them almost immediately after, in padded jackets with their arms linked together. She can't help but smile a little at the way they're effortlessly in sync with each other - walking with the same measured steps then coming to a stop right outside the restaurant.

Nayeon watches as Momo's arms wrap protectively around Jihyo's waist, as they press their foreheads together for a long moment. Then, Momo pulls away gently and whispers something in Jihyo's ear that makes her laugh, all the traces of anxiety disappearing from her face.

They walk in holding hands and Nayeon can tell when they've spotted her because Momo's easy grin grows even wider as she starts heading over. Jihyo follows behind, not letting go of Momo's hand. There's apprehension swimming in her eyes as she meets Nayeon's gaze over Momo's shoulder, but there's a tiny smile pulling at the corners of her lips too. 

Nayeon offers a smile of her own in return. There is still a knot of feelings too complicated to name sitting heavily in her stomach but for the first time in a long time, she doesn't feel quite as hollow.  

After a leisurely dinner spent mostly in companiable silence interrupted by Momo's occasional retelling of a funny anecdote Nayeon missed over the years, Momo smoothly excuses herself.

The moment she leaves the table, Nayeon feels it - the change in the air that's now heavy with an undercurrent of tension. Jihyo must feel it too because she clears her throat and shifts uncomfortably in her seat before letting out a small sigh.

"Have you thought about it?" she asks in a quiet voice Nayeon has to strain to hear.

Nayeon swallows then takes a measured sip from her glass of wine. "I don't know what you expect me to say, Jihyo."

"I was hoping you'd say yes," Jihyo begins, still in that same quiet voice. "I wouldn't have come to you in the first place if I didn't need to."

She pauses, then takes a deep breath and her next words come out a little stilted. 

"You know that, Nayeon."

There's something that looks a lot like accusation and blame colouring Jihyo's words and the hard set of her face. It brings out a fresh wave of guilt which curdles unpleasantly at the bottom of Nayeon's stomach. 

"I _don't_ know," Nayeon shoots back defensively before she can stop herself. "It's been 5 years so I don't know anything about you anymore."

"That's _bullshit_ and you know it," Jihyo fires back fiercely, her gaze hardening even further. "Yes, it may have been _5 years_ since you cut me and everyone else out, but we've known each other _for much longer than that_."

Nayeon lets out a shaky breath at how much it stings, the truth in Jihyo's words. This is not how she wanted this conversation to go and she hates how the longer she talks to Jihyo, the more hurt each of them seem to become. 

She looks away from Jihyo's piercing gaze and her eyes land on Momo, sitting at the bar and talking animatedly with the bartender. Still, Momo flashes her a lopsided grin when she catches Nayeon looking. It doesn't quell the ache in her chest, in fact, only makes it sharper.

"Is it the money?" Jihyo asks brusquely, pulling Nayeon's attention back to her. "Whatever they're paying you now, I can give you double. And if that's not enough, just name your price. I'll match it. "

The way Jihyo says all that, in a cold business-like voice, rubs Nayeon off the wrong way. It makes a flash of anger cut straight through all the guilt and hurt, until it becomes the only thing Nayeon feels.

"You think it's because of _money_?" 

Nayeon breaks off and closes her eyes, and tries, really really tries not to lose her temper. 

"I'm not the latest model of the surgical robot you've been eyeing to get for your OR, Park Jihyo," Nayeon breathes out harshly, words serrated around the edges. " _I'm not a fucking commodity you can just buy."_

Before she knows it, she's already on her feet, chair scrapping noisily on the restaurant floor. "Forget it, I'm leaving."

Momo's back at the table in a flash. She stands beside Nayeon and wraps gentle fingers around Nayeon's wrist. "Nayeonnie."

"I'm sorry," Jihyo tells her in a broken voice, gaze locked onto the wooden grain of the table. "I shouldn't have said that."

There's a tiny pregnant pause then Jihyo looks up and meets Nayeon's gaze with liquid eyes heavy with regret and too much sadness. 

"This isn't easy for me, Nayeon. Seeing you... talking to you like this after so long."

"What, you think this is a walk in the park for me?" Nayeon retorts then feels Momo's grip tighten on her wrist. A warning and an anchor to ground her at the same time.

Jihyo's face crumples and a tear slips out of the corner of her eye. "It just... it just _hurts_ that it takes the head of my paediatric department _dying_ for you to actually agree to even talk to me."

Nayeon feels all the air leave her lungs at that and she deflates, all the anger dissolving away. Momo must be able to see all the fight go out of her because she pushes Nayeon gently back down into her seat and squeezes her shoulder once. 

Then she returns to Jihyo's side and tangles their fingers together, thumb running smooth circles over the back of Jihyo's hand. 

Jihyo's looking at Nayeon with the most broken look on her face and Nayeon hates it, hates seeing Jihyo's shoulders shake as she tries to stifle her tears. Nayeon hates how seeing Jihyo like this hurts her more than anything because it's really all her fault in the first place.

Nayeon takes a deep shuddering breath and reaches out to take Jihyo's other hand - the one not intertwined with Momo's - in her own. She swallows shakily when Jihyo doesn't pull away, just holds on, as if she never wants to let Nayeon go again.

"Can I have until tomorrow to think about it?" she asks softly. It comes out weaker than she intended, but Jihyo nods almost immediately, latching on to the compromise with a watery smile. 

They leave not long after that and it's awkward out on the sidewalk for a moment - the three of them just staring at each other wordlessly - until Momo moves. She takes a confident step forward and pulls Nayeon into a fierce hug.

Nayeon keeps her eyes on Jihyo though, who's watching them with a small wistful smile and red-rimmed eyes. 

When Momo pulls away, it's Nayeon's turn to take a step and wrap her arms around Jihyo who freezes for a beat before tentatively hugging her back. 

"I'm sorry, Jihyo-yah," Nayeon whispers, feeling tears threatening to close up her throat. It's been so long since she's hugged Jihyo like this. "I'm sorry for all of it."

Jihyo tightens her hold on Nayeon's waist then buries her face in the crook of Nayeon's neck.

"I'm sorry, too," she breathes, then starts to cry all over again, tears seeping into Nayeon's shirt.

Nayeon doesn't say anything and doesn't try to stop her tears this time, crying just as hard as Jihyo is. 

Through her haze of tears, Nayeon feels Momo's arms wrap around both of them. It's ridiculous how they're all crying now, locked in a tangled messy hug.  

It's ridiculous but Nayeon doesn't really want to have it any other way.  

"Hey, how was dinner with Momo and Jihyo?" Sunmi greets, the moment Nayeon walks into the surgeons' lounge the following morning.

Nayeon doesn't answer at first, heading for her locker and pulling off the shades and baseball cap hiding her face. She braces herself for the inevitable gasp Sunmi lets out when she catches sight of Nayeon's face.

She knows she looks like a complete mess - her eyes are red-rimmed, swollen and puffy. She'd cried herself to sleep harder than she's had in years. There's a dull ache pounding away in her head which means she's probably dehydrated too.

Sunmi's lips purse wordlessly then she gently takes Nayeon's hand and leads her out of the lounge and into the nearest empty treatment room. Nayeon lets her do it, is too drained to protest or resist.

Sunmi sits her down on the bed in the middle of the room then efficiently moves around, pulling out medical supplies with ease and putting them on the tray beside Nayeon. 

"You look like you're ready to collapse any minute," Sunmi tells her with a little worried crease of her brow. "And I'm 100% sure you're dehydrated too."

Nayeon still doesn't say anything, barely reacts when Sunmi expertly sticks the cannula into a vein on the back of her hand. It's connected to an IV drip which Sunmi hangs up on the pole near Nayeon's head.

"Just rest okay?" Sunmi tells her, pushing Nayeon's shoulders gently until she lies back on the tiny pillow. "I'll have one of the residents cover your morning rounds. You should feel better in a couple of hours."

"Thank you, unnie," Nayeon whispers gratefully and Sunmi just smiles, brushing Nayeon's hair away from where it's falling over her face.

It's the tender gesture more than anything that makes a lump form in Nayeon's throat. There's a familiar prickly feeling at the corner of her eyes.

"Nayeon?"

Nayeon's vision swims dangerously and she blinks hard to stop the tears from falling.

"I don't know what to do, unnie," she admits weakly.

Sunmi's smile softens even more, and she smoothes Nayeon's hair soothingly. "You _do_ know, Nayeon-ah. You're still young and so _talented_ , too talented to stay in Jeju forever."

A helpless broken chuckle escapes Nayeon's lips before she can stop it. "That's exactly what Jihyo said."

"Because it's _true_ ," Sunmi tells her simply. "It's time you go back, Nayeon-ah. Back home, where you belong, with all your friends. Where you can be happy again."

This time, Nayeon doesn't even try to stop the self-depreciating shaky laugh that bubbles up her throat. "I don't know if I'll ever be truly happy again."

"Maybe you won't be," Sunmi concedes. "But with your friends with you again, maybe there's a good chance you might be one day."

"Isn't that chance worth fighting for?" Sunmi presses when Nayeon doesn't say anything. "Just promise you'll come visit me from time to time, okay?"

She leaves after that, called away urgently by an emergency consult in the E.R.

Nayeon is left alone with her thoughts and the sinking realisation that if she's completely honest with herself, the decision to move back to Seoul was already a destination on her horizon the moment she heard Jihyo's voice over the phone for the first time in years.  

It takes than less 2 weeks for everything to set in motion - for her to pack up her belongings and ship them to the new apartment Jihyo had leased out for her on short notice.

It's in one of Seoul's most expensive neighbourhoods and when Nayeon had protested in a spirited video call to Seoul about how she can't exactly afford the monthly rent on such a luxurious apartment, Jihyo had merely shrugged and passed it off as one of the perks that came with Nayeon accepting the job.  

Still, when Nayeon finally enters the apartment for the first time and is greeted with a stunning, jaw-dropping view of the Han River, she can't help but call Jihyo.

"I really can't afford to live in such a nice place, Jihyo-yah," she says without preamble the moment Jihyo picks up.

"Hello to you too," Jihyo replies and Nayeon can picture it, the way Jihyo must be rolling her eyes. "I told you, it's part of the - "

"Part of the package, yes I know," Nayeon interrupts because she's heard the exact same words from Jihyo before but it still doesn't explain how the hospital can afford paying for the apartment on top of the already generous amount they're paying her every month. 

"This place has valet parking and room service and even personal chefs for hire, for god's sake. What kind of apartment complex has room service and _personal chefs_?" Nayeon demands then drops her voice, like as though someone might hear her in this ridiculously large space. "And I hear there are _celebrities_ living here too."

"Oh yeah, I think Taeyeon lives a couple of floors above you," Jihyo says easily, entirely too nonchalant for Nayeon's liking.

" _What_?"

Jihyo's laugh tinkles into Nayeon's ear. "Relax, I'm _kidding_. But if you really must know, it's _my_ apartment okay? So stop worrying so much."

"What do you mean _your_ apartment?" Nayeon asks, confused.

She knows on some level that Jihyo's family is rich and Jihyo is still one of the youngest Board Members and Chief of Surgery at one of Seoul's most prestigious hospitals. But this apartment with the ridiculous view and personal chefs is on a whole other level entirely.

"It was a gift from my parents when I first became Chief," Jihyo explains patiently. "But I barely live in it. Moved in with Momo years ago so, you can have it okay?"

"What do you mean I can _have_ \- "

"I mean it's going to be a waste without anyone living in it so it's yours now," Jihyo cuts in before Nayeon can continue. "Just shut up and enjoy the view, Nabongs."

"You're _crazy_ ," Nayeon tells her but not without fondness, something she knows Jihyo can sense too because the other girl just laughs again.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Im Nayeon," she quips, then hangs up before Nayeon can say anything else. 

When Nayeon pulls into the parking lot the next morning, the familiar facade of the hospital greets her like an old friend. The hospital looks exactly the same as how it did when she had walked out the doors all those years ago.

The only thing that's different is the slight figure waiting for her right outside the glass doors. Nayeon sighs a little because _of course_ Jihyo would be stubbornly standing there waiting for her despite the frigid winter temperature.

"If you get hypothermia and your fingers fall off," Nayeon calls out as she walks over. "You're going to have to find another surgeon to reattach them because I don't do surgeries for old people."

Jihyo rolls her eyes and waits for Nayeon to fall into step beside her before setting off on a brisk walk into the hospital. 

"It's my duty as Chief to welcome every new surgeon that comes through our doors, Dr Im," Jihyo tells her, in a clipped official-sounding voice, as they pass through the atrium.

"Well, _Chief_ ," Nayeon says lightly, reaching over to tug on Jihyo's elbow. She waits until Jihyo turns and holds her gaze.

"I know my way around, Jihyo-yah," Nayeon continues quietly then she offers Jihyo a small conspiratorial smile. "I even know all the secret passageways and hiding places. For you know, naps or _other activities_."

Jihyo's lips twitch ever so slightly but her eyes dance with amusement. "There are no such things."

Nayeon snorts then her smile sobers as she regards one of her oldest friends seriously. "I'll be fine. You don't have to babysit me, okay? I know you have a million other things to get done as Chief of Surgery, so go."

When Jihyo still hesitates, Nayeon presses on. "Seriously, I'll be _fine_."

"No, I know you will," Jihyo says dismissively, waving her hand around. She takes a deep breath and a wistful smile blossoms onto her face. "I just need to get used to seeing you walking around the halls again. 

Nayeon meets Mina again on the third day, at the end of a long 12-hour shift. She's exhausted and she's sure she looks dead on her feet. 

It's a miracle how they have yet to bump into each other before now but they're in different departments and to be fair, Nayeon hasn't seen Jihyo much since her first day either. 

Mina catches her arm just when she's about to step out of the hospital. 

"Hi," she says simply, in  that same soft gentle voice. Her fingers reach out to brush away Nayeon's fringe from her face and Nayeon's eyes flutter closed at her cool touch.

"Hi," Nayeon echoes, doesn't really know what to say to someone she hasn't spoken to in years.

Mina's mouth quirks slightly. "I have a hemispherectomy scheduled tomorrow. A 6 year old girl."

Nayeon raises her eyebrows at that. It's a very rare neurosurgical procedure that essentially consists of removing half of a patient's brain to treat their epileptic seizures. There are only a handful of surgeons who do the procedure in the country and it seems Mina is now one of them.

"You're welcome to scrub in," Mina offers and her smile widens at the way Nayeon's eyes light up. "7am in OR 1."

"Thank you," Nayeon says sincerely, knowing it's Mina's way of extending an olive branch, of burying the hatchet.

Mina doesn't reply, her eyes focused on something over Nayeon's shoulder. Nayeon turns just in time to catch a flash of blonde hair disappear around the corner.  

"She'll come around," Mina tells her, noticing the stricken look on Nayeon's face that she doesn't quite manage to hide in time.

Nayeon laughs dryly. "Your wife can hold a grudge to her grave, so I don't know, Mina."

"She'll come around," Mina repeats then shifts forward and presses an achingly soft kiss to Nayeon's forehead.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Dr Im," she says before walking away.

Mina is already ready and waiting for her by the time Nayeon enters OR 1. Her eyes crinkle behind her surgical mask as Nayeon approaches the operating table. 

"Good morning," Mina greets when Nayeon steps into place beside her. She hands Nayeon the Yankauer suction tip. "Can you keep the field clear for me as I operate?"

"Of course," Nayeon agrees easily. It's been a while since she's been in charge of suctioning blood away from the surgical site. She's normally the one holding the scalpel but Nayeon is more than happy to do so in this case. It gives her a chance to witness a _hemispherectomy_ up close but more than that, it's a chance to reconnect with Mina after all these years.

Mina nods at one of the scrub nurses who turns the surgical timer on, and then there's the familiar opening notes of Giselle echoing in the otherwise silent room. 

Nayeon smiles to herself. Every surgeon has his or her own quirks when they're operating. Nayeon herself can't operate without listening to a playlist of her favourite Taeyeon and IU songs.

Mina it seems, prefers listening to her favourite classical ballet pieces.

Nayeon watches as Mina calmly asks for the scalpel and proceeds to make an incision on the patient's scalp. There's something about watching Mina in her element - she's focused and maintains a self-assured degree of calm that is reassuring. Her movements are precise yet gentle at the same time. 

It's fascinating to see in person and Nayeon is almost in awe. Mina doesn't say much, concentrating on the task at hand, only to occasionally request for suction which Nayeon obliges to immediately.

A little more than 2 hours later, as Giselle slips smoothly into Swan Lake, Mina breaks the easy silence between them.

"Jeongyeon and I are thinking of adopting," she says quietly, eyes locked onto the exposed brain in front of her.

Nayeon blinks, taken a little by surprise at Mina's sudden admission. It's an opening though, to find out more about how her friends have been since, so she takes what Mina is offering her almost gratefully.

"Adoption?" Nayeon echoes then chooses her next words carefully because Mina's eyes suddenly flicker up to meet her gaze. "Have you thought of having your own - "

"We tried," Mina interrupts, and there's something in her voice that sounds incredibly sad and almost defeated. "We decided Jeongyeon would be the one to carry because she works from home and my hours are crazy enough as it is... But after the 3rd miscarriage, we just... couldn't do it anymore."

Nayeon stills, heart sinking rapidly in her chest. She has no idea what to say, all the words flitting through her mind seem to offer little comfort.

"I need more suction, please," Mina murmurs, and Nayeon's hands move automatically to siphon the blood away.

"Mina," she begins in a hoarse voice, full of regret and too much guilt. "I'm really sorry."

Mina doesn't look at her, hands working delicately to remove another diseased part of her patient's brain. "It's been hard on Jeongyeon. She still blames herself... thinks it's all her fault, that there's something fundamentally wrong with her body that she keeps losing all of them."

At Nayeon's involuntary sharp inhale of breath, Mina freezes then looks up with anguished eyes.

"I'm sorry," she continues, in a voice barely more than a whisper. "I'm not saying this to hurt you or make you feel guilty."

"Mina," Nayeon somehow chokes out past the painful lump building in her throat. The guilt is almost unbearable now. "It's _me_ that should apologise. I'm sorry - I am so _very sorry_ I wasn't there for both of you when you went through all that."

"Don't be," Mina tells her in a gentle voice Nayeon doesn't feel she deserves. "You had your reasons. And honestly, if I was in your shoes, I probably would have done the same thing too."

Mina holds Nayeon's gaze for an aching moment then says in that same gentle voice. 

"She's not going to make it easy for you. I've never seen her this furious with anyone else before but like I said, Jeongyeon will come around. You just have to give her time, however long she needs."

"Of course," Nayeon says immediately. Even if it takes 10 years for Jeongyeon to forgive her, she'll still keep trying to mend their friendship. "I'm not going anywhere this time."

"Good," Mina says evenly, then gets distracted by beeping from the machines around them.

Nayeon's instincts kick in too and both of them jump into action to stabilise the patient again.

They don't speak again after that, working together seamlessly instead to make sure the rest of the surgery goes well and according to plan. 

"Go take a quick power nap," Mina tells her when Nayeon fails to suppress a yawn as they exit the OR after a successful surgery. "And thank you, for assisting."

"Thank _you_ , for having me," Nayeon replies softly, pulling Mina into a sudden hug. Mina laughs in surprise but hugs her back just as hard and Nayeon feels her heart lifting.

It feels good, to finally be able to mend all the bridges she's broken over the years. And she's broken so many.

The flash of blonde hair she'd seen from yesterday swims to the front of Nayeon's mind and she knows that's another huge bridge she'll have to figure out how to mend.

One day at a time though, she thinks as she climbs up the emergency stairwell nobody ever uses. There's a tiny on-call room right at the top that she discovered way back as an intern and it's Nayeon's favourite place for an uninterrupted nap.

She yawns widely as she reaches the top of the stairs, feeling the exhaustion from the surgery with Mina earlier, settling into her bones. She's too tired to register the tell-tale moans from behind the door that signal the room's occupied.

So it's mostly her fault really that she walks in on a very naked Momo and Jihyo, pressed together intimately. Momo is sucking hickeys down the column of Jihyo's neck while the latter has her head thrown back against a pillow and is moaning. Loudly.

Nayeon yelps, turning around immediately and wishing there's bleach strong enough to get rid of the image currently burned into her mind.

"Why the hell didn't you lock the door?!" she demands, pressing the heel of her palms into her eyes. As if that would help.

There's no answer except for the sound of rustling and shuffling feet behind her. A weight presses against Nayeon's back and a chin drops onto her shoulder.

"We're decent now," Momo informs her, voice tinged with amusement.

Nayeon gives it another 30 seconds before she turns around. Momo doesn't let go, seemingly happy to hang off Nayeon's back, with an arm wrapped securely around her middle. 

"I thought you said you _didn't_ know where these secret rooms are," Nayeon says pointedly, glaring at Jihyo who's now rubbing concealer onto the dark bruises on her neck. 

"I never said that," Jihyo remarks casually, concentrating on her task and missing the vicious glare Nayeon is directing at her.

"And you," Nayeon gripes, pinching Momo's arm. "Dont you have dance classes to teach?"

Momo chuckles, a puff of air that fans over Nayeon's cheek. "It's lunch break now."

"Good to see you're making full use of the time set aside for you to _eat,_ " Nayeon retorts, sarcasm dripping in her voice. God, all she wanted to do was catch a quick nap in her favourite _secret_ hidden on-call room. 

"Sure did," Momo quips cheekily and from the way Jihyo turns abruptly red, flushing all the way down to her hickey-littered neck, Nayeon can only imagine the look on Momo's face.

She pulls away from Momo's hold and glares at both of them in turn. "Firstly, I am standing _right here_. And secondly -"

"You don't have a secondly," Jihyo interrupts, finally putting the concealer away. She ignores the way Nayeon scowls at her and holds out her hand for her girlfriend to take.

"Come on, babe, let's go so grandma can get her sleep."

"We're the _same_ fucking age!" Nayeon calls out after them, just before the door slams shut.

She eyes the bottom bunk for a second and groans when the image of her two friends _having sex_ flashes through her mind again. 

Sighing in resignation, she climbs up to the top bunk and settles in for her nap. She hopes to god they haven't gotten around to defiling this bunk too. 

"Im Nayeon," Jihyo calls out as she approaches Nayeon, two cups of coffee in her hands.

"Chief," Nayeon greets and doesn't bother to hide her grin when Jihyo narrows her eyes at her tone.

Jihyo hands her one of the coffee cups, which Nayeon takes gratefully. She lets out a tiny pleased noise when she takes a sip and finds out it's exactly how she likes it. 

"I have your coffee order burned into my brain from a long long time ago, so there's really no need to look or sound so surprised," Jihyo says with a spectacular roll of her eyes.

"Pretty sure, you can't burn anything into your brain," Nayeon quips nonchalantly. "But I'm not a neurosurgeon so perhaps you need to clarify with Mina."

"You're ridiculous, sometimes," Jihyo gripes, rolling her eyes again. "Don't you have surgery or something? What are you doing standing in front of my OR board anyway?"

"Just admiring your work, chief," Nayeon tells her with a shrug. "Also, you're the one that moved my valve replacement to tomorrow. So technically, it's _your_ fault I'm not in surgery and staring at your OR board instead."

"Forget it," Jihyo shoots back with a glare. "I refuse to talk to you when you're like this."

Nayeon can't suppress the laughter that bubbles up her throat. Jihyo pointedly ignores her, turning to the OR board and picking up a marker. 

Nayeon's laughter cuts off abruptly when Jihyo's collar falls a little as she stands on her tip toes to write on the board.

There are fresh new bruises on Jihyo's neck, in sharp contrast to the ones Nayeon had unfortunately witnessed Momo leaving on Jihyo's skin a few days ago.

"Does Momo have a biting kink or something?" Nayeon demands loudly because seriously, do her friends have an insatiable sex life or what?

Jihyo turns, surprised, then blushes faintly and tugs her collar back up. "Yeah, I haven't gotten around to covering those up yet."

"You don't say," Nayeon shoots back sarcastically then a horrible thought dawns on her. "Wait. You mean - Are those from like _5 minutes ago_ or something? Did you two defile my secret hidden on-call room again?"

"No," Jihyo denies hotly but deflates at Nayeon's raised eyebrows. "Okay fine, Momo dropped by an hour ago. And it's not _your_ on-call room. It's _my_ hospital."

" _Family_ hospital _,_ " Nayeon shoots back then just settles for narrowing her eyes at Jihyo who has the grace to at least look a little ashamed. "God, you two owe me dinner at the very least because there is no bleach strong enough to erase what I saw the other day."

"Technically, it was _your_ fault for barging in. You could have knocked you know."

Nayeon lets out an indignant squawk and opens her mouth furiously but Jihyo cuts in smoothly before she can say anything.

"Fine. Come over for dinner this weekend then. We'll cook you whatever you want. If Mina and Jeongyeon have no plans, I'll ask them to come over too."

"Whatever I want?" Nayeon asks, fixating on that part because it's easier than thinking about Jeongyeon who is still not speaking to her even though Nayeon's been back for almost a week now. 

Jihyo doesn't bother to reply, just hums instead as she waits for Nayeon to consider the offer.

"Okay," Nayeon agrees after a moment of thought. "I expect an actual home-cooked feast okay, _no takeout whatsoever_."

Jihyo hums again, rolling her eyes, then pulls out her phone, presumably to text her girlfriend about the weekend. 

Nayeon leaves her to it, heading off to the paediatric ward to check on her patients. She feels lighter than she has in years and she can't hold back the hope budding in her chest that things will get better as the days to come.

She focuses on that, ignoring the dull ache beneath her ribs; a constant reminder of Sana, of how no matter how many bridges she mends with her friends, she cannot fix things with Sana in quite the same way. 

"I still don't understand why you gave up your swanky ass apartment to me," Nayeon tells Jihyo, accepting the drink Jihyo is offering her and taking a sip. "I mean, this apartment is lovely but it's like 3 times smaller than yours."

Jihyo shrugs easily, clearly unruffled. "It's a 45 minute drive to Momo's dance studio. This place is only a couple of blocks away. And she hates driving so it wasn't that hard to make a decision, really."

Nayeon raises her eyebrows at that but before she can comment, Momo calls for help from the kitchen and a soft smile automatically blooms on Jihyo's face. Nayeon settles for rolling her eyes instead and doesn't bother stopping Jihyo when she leaves Nayeon alone in the living room to rescue her girlfriend.

Said girlfriend sinks into the other end of the couch a minute later with a pout on her face. "I got thrown out of the kitchen."

Nayeon snorts, finishing her drink and setting the empty glass on the coffee table. Jihyo will probably bitch at her later for not taking it to the sink - it's one of her pet peeves, not washing used cups and dishes immediately. Nayeon snorts again when that thought flits into her mind because Momo, from what she remembers, is the complete opposite and is downright terrible at cleaning up after herself.

Clearly, opposites attract or something because while she may not have witnessed their relationship blossom into being, it's painfully obvious that Jihyo and Momo are very much in love. _Too much, perhaps_ , Nayeon thinks with a wince when she recalls the reason why she's having dinner here in the first place.

The row of photo frames on the wall catches Nayeon's eye and she moves closer, as if drawn towards the photographs like a moth to a flame. 

There are a few of Momo and Jihyo, smiling happily at the camera. Then her gaze lands on the biggest frame and it sends a pang of nostalgia and longing shooting through Nayeon's veins.

It's a photo she recognises immediately - six of them at their high school graduation years ago, young and happy, ready to conquer the world. She can't help but stare at it, at the way Sana is tucked comfortably into Nayeon's side, laughing with her face pressed against Nayeon's collarbone. Nayeon herself isn't even looking at the camera - she's smiling down at Sana instead with something like wonder in her face, like she's staring at the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. 

Nayeon swallows past the sudden lump that appears in her throat and shifts her eyes to the next frame, then feels winded all over again. 

It's a recent photo, and it's almost exactly the same as the graduation one except for the glaring fact that Nayeon is nowhere to be seen in the photo.

This time, Nayeon can't help staring at Sana, standing off to the side of the photo, just a little bit further away from the others, like she doesn't quite want to be there. Her hair is a shade between ash brown and grey, and there's a smile on her face but it doesn't quite reach her eyes.

"We were waiting for the right time to tell you," Momo's soft voice comes from her left. Nayeon turns to see Momo looking at her with a weary frown. "She came back from L.A. a year ago when her dad passed away. She's been in town ever since, living with her mum now." 

Nayeon freezes completely, her heart folding into itself. She has no idea how or what to react to first. 

Sana's _Papa_ used to cook a spread of all of Nayeon's favourite dishes every single time she visited the Minatozaki home. The fact that she had _no idea_ he passed away fills Nayeon with pain and regret so acute she forgets to breathe for a minute. 

Then there's the fact that both Momo _and_ Jihyo failed to tell her that Sana's back in the city too, and even though there are 10 million people living in Seoul, Nayeon's not sure her heart can take it if she ever meets Sana again. 

"Don't worry," Momo tells her just as softly, as though she read Nayeon's mind. "Sana doesn't know you're back and she doesn't have to know if you don't want her to. If you still want to keep this distance between both of you - "

"Yes," Nayeon breathes out, cutting Momo off. " _Please,_ Momo-yah."

Momo sighs, tinged with something that sounds remarkably like disappointment. "There's a reason why you're both still single after all this time. You know that right?"

Nayeon freezes again, her mouth going dry. She doesn't know what to reply to that either, can't think of anything to say that would be an obvious lie or a truth she doesn't think she has the strength to acknowledge.

To her relief though, the doorbell rings, interrupting their conversation. Momo moves to open the door and Mina steps inside, pressing a quick kiss to Momo's cheek as she walks into the apartment.

She smiles warmly when she spots Nayeon and makes her way over, pulling Nayeon into an equally warm hug. 

Over Mina's shoulder, Nayeon catches Jeongyeon's eye when she walks in as well, then tries not to feel too hurt at the way Jeongyeon immediately looks away and pointedly ignores her, heading straight for the kitchen to greet Jihyo. 

Mina pulls away and her smile turns wistful when she registers the stricken look on Nayeon's face and the fact that her wife is clearly avoiding being in the same room as Nayeon. 

"She'll come - " Mina begins in her soft, gentle voice.

"She'll come around, I know," Nayeon finishes for her then prays with all her heart that it comes true.

"The fact that she even agreed to come means something, even if she's too busy being furious with you to admit it."

"I know," Nayeon repeats, bracing herself for what is bound to become an uncomfortable dinner laced with too much tension. 

They don't even make it past the appetisers. It's Momo's innocent question that unravels the tentative peace, heavy with an undercurrent of tension that all five of them try to pointedly ignore.

"Well," Nayeon says around the mouthful of brsuchetta and tomatoes Jihyo served up. She swallows and continues in a more dignified manner to answer Momo's question. "It's been a good first week I think...I mean, it wasn't easy packing up and leaving all my patients behind in Jeju but -"

"Why not?" Jeongyeon cuts in sharply and Nayeon feels her heart sinking rapidly and settling right at the bottom of her stomach. 

Jeongyeon's not even looking at her, has her gaze furiously locked onto her plate. But the way her grip is too tight on her fork gives away how she's struggling to control her temper. 

A hushed silence falls over the table and Nayeon swallows dangerously. She knows she deserves this, all of Jeongyeon's barely restrained anger. 

"Babe," Mina murmurs, curling her fingers around the nape of Jeongyeon's neck.

It does nothing to quell Jeongyeon's rage however. All it does is to make her lift her head and pin Nayeon with a tempered glare.

"Why not?" Jeongyeon repeats with an ugly twist of her lips. "You had no problem doing it before. Packing up and leaving."

"Jeongyeon," Jihyo sighs softly but Jeongyeon ignores her. She ignores Mina too, who has now shifted closer, her other hand wrapped around the clenched fist Jeongyeon has on the table.  

Instead, she continues glaring at Nayeon with blazing eyes. Nayeon holds her gaze, trying not to flinch under the weight of all the fury. She tells herself that if she looks harder, there's so much hurt underneath all that anger, that Jeongyeon is holding on to it like a shield to mask all the hurt she feels at Nayeon leaving like she did. 

"Jeongyeon, I - " she begins, but never gets to finish because Jeongyeon's already on her feet, the sound of her chair toppling over echoing too loudly. 

"Forget it," Jeongyeon scoffs derisively, shrugging her hand away from Mina's grip. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to you make excuses."

She storms off before any of them can say anything else, grabbing her coat and padded jacket on her way out of the apartment. 

Nayeon closes her eyes as the front door slams shut with a deafening bang. She takes a deep steadying breath then blinks her eyes open to see Mina already pulling her coat on to go after her wife.

"Mina," Nayeon calls out, getting up from her seat and hurrying over before Mina can leave. "Let me."

Mina hesitates, clearly torn between comforting the woman she married and not getting in the way of whatever it is Nayeon and Jeongyeon have to resolve between them. 

"It's _me_ she's mad at," Nayeon presses, then adds a quiet _please_ that seems to melt Mina's resolve.

"Good luck," Mina murmurs, squeezing Nayeon's elbow once before letting her squeeze past and out of the apartment. 

By the time she gets to the lobby, Jeongyeon is nowhere to be found. It's freezing cold as she steps outside and Nayeon wishes she had the presence of mind to put on her winter coat before running after Jeongyeon.

Still, Nayeon knows Jeongyeon would never actually leave, would never leave Mina behind so she must be somewhere around the estate.

Teeth chattering, she crosses her arms in a futile attempt to keep warm and starts walking. 

Before long, she catches sight of Jeongyeon pacing up and down near the playground and hurries over. 

Jeongyeon looks up in surprise when Nayeon lays a careful hand on her arm. Then her face clouds over just as quickly, her eyes carrying the weight of a raging tempest. 

"Don't," she snaps, yanking her arm viciously out of Nayeon's grip. " _Don't touch me_."

"Jeongyeon, _please_ ," Nayeon says weakly, the plea in her voice sounding too broken. "You have to let me apologise -"

"I am so fucking mad at you," Jeongyeon cuts in harshly, voice trembling with anger. 

"I know," Nayeon concedes, trying not to let Jeongyeon's icy glare get to her too much. "You have every right to be angry."

That, it seems, is the wrong thing to say because Nayeon can see it in Jeongyeon's face. The moment she snaps. 

"Of course I have every right," Jeongyeon bites out, her voice laced with more and more venom with each word. "You _left_ , without even saying goodbye. Who the _fuck_ does such a shitty thing to her _best friends_?"

Nayeon flinches before she can stop herself. She's expecting the blows but that doesn't mean they don't still _hurt_.

"I'm sorry," she breathes. "I'm sorry I left."

"I called you a _million_ times," Jeongyeon retorts bitingly. "Then when you _changed your number_ , I left you a million emails instead. All of which you never bothered to reply."

The last sentence is delivered in a tone so heavy with accusation that Nayeon can't help but flinch again. She feels tears prickling the corners of her eyes but she can't cry right now, doesn't really have a right to since she brought this upon herself. 

"I'm sorry," Nayeon repeats in the smallest of voices. "I'm sorry I hurt you. And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you were going through something horrible and needed me most."

"What do you - " Jeongyeon begins furiously then breaks off abruptly. A look of pure pain crosses across her face for a split second before the anger masks over it again. "You have no right - _no right_ to talk to me about that."

Nayeon takes in a long breath until her lungs expand to their fullest. She focuses on the undercurrent of pain swimming underneath the tempest raging in Jeongyeon's eyes. She focuses on the way Jeongyeon has her padded jacket half-off one shoulder, familiar and bringing back memories of their younger years when she'd laughingly straighten Jeongyeon's haphazardly-worn jacket for her.

It's what makes her dare to tentatively step into Jeongyeon's personal space. Nayeon braces herself for Jeongyeon to lash out but she doesn't. Instead she flinches and all the anger seems to melt away, revealing the anguish and pain underneath. 

Nayeon swallows shakily and lays a careful hand on Jeongyeon's cheek. 

"I'm really sorry, Jeongyeon-ah," she murmurs again. Her thumb brushes the stray tear that escapes the corner of Jeongyeon's eye. "I'll keep apologising every day for the rest of my life if that's what it takes for you to forgive me."

Jeongyeon's eyes slip shut at that and she swallows visibly. Nayeon doesn't say anything else, just waits, thumb gently soothing over the line of Jeongyeon's cheekbone. 

"You're an idiot," Jeongyeon finally says after a long moment, blinking her eyes open. "And you're going to have to give me a little more time. I still can't really look at you without getting mad all over again."

"Okay," Nayeon agrees easily, feeling her heart tremble then shift back into place with more than a little hope. "However long you need."

A tiny rueful smile tugs at the corners of Jeongyeon's lips. It's one that Nayeon returns gratefully before shivering, feeling the biting cold fully now that she doesn't have her whole being focused on trying to mend the bridge with Jeongyeon.

"You're an _idiot_ ," Jeongyeon repeats when Nayeon's teeth starts chattering but there's no real bite in her voice as she swiftly removes her jacket and drapes it over Nayeon's shoulders. 

Nayeon burrows into the warmth gratefully, and they walk back to Jihyo and Momo's apartment in silence.

The rest of the dinner goes much better than before, thank god. There's still a stiltedness to her interactions with Jeongyeon but at least Jeongyeon is actually looking at her and attempting to hold a conversation. 

It's much better than anything Nayeon can ever ask for.

She's just done with her morning rounds and thinking of heading to the cafeteria for breakfast when someone calls her name.

Nayeon turns and raises her eyebrows as Momo jogs towards her, looking entirely too chipper for this early in the morning.

"Done with rounds?" Momo asks, linking her arms with Nayeon and half-dragging her to the cafeteria. Like as though she knows that's where Nayeon was heading anyway.

"You know, with how often you're dropping by, you should just consider switching to a medical career."

"And give up dancing?" Momo asks with a disgrunled scrunch of her nose. "No way _in hell_. I _love_ what I do."

Nayeon just hums in response then turns to glare balefully at Momo when a sharp elbow jabs into her side.

" _What_?" Nayeon demands, then is confused when Momo stops walking and turns to her abruptly. "Momo?"

Momo hesitates for the briefest of seconds then hitches a grin onto her face. "You should come see the musical I choreographed."

Nayeon frowns. There's something flickering in Momo's eyes she can't really figure out. 

"You choreographed a musical?"

"Yeah," Momo tells her, grin growing wider as she nods enthusiastically. "We only have a week of shows left so you should definitely catch it before it ends."

"I'd love to," Nayeon smiles. "Are you going to save me a good seat?"

"Of course," Momo says immediately. "You'll like it I promise."

And then there it is again, that unreadable emotion flickering across Momo's face.

Before Nayeon can ask though, her pager beeps, startling both of them. It's an emergency page from the paediatric ICU for one of her newborn cases. 

"Go," Momo tells her, reading the apologetic look on Nayeon's face easily. "I'll send you a ticket for the show later."

Nayeon barely hears her, already setting off at a run for the ICU. By the time she gets there, she's already long forgotten about that strange look in Momo's eyes that had puzzled her earlier.

Nayeon barely makes it to the theatre in time, running late from an emergency surgery. She hastily runs up to the doors just before the ushers close it and slips inside.

Somehow, she manages to find her seat in the dark, the house lights already dimmed in preparation for the show to start.

The usher that let her in had given her a programme but there's no time to look at it so Nayeon just shoves it into her bag then remembers she hasn't silenced her phone.

She's in the middle of attempting to discreetly set her phone to silent without taking it out of her bag and blinding the person beside her, when it happens.

Nayeon hears the smattering of applause first and then comes the first note in a voice that sends shivers thrilling down her spine.

Taking a shaky, unsteady breath, Nayeon dares herself to look up from her bag and then feels her heart come to a complete stop. 

A second later, that same dull ache always present beneath her ribs, grows unbearably sharper. There are tears stinging the corners of her eyes by now and Nayeon needs to _get away_ but somehow finds herself rooted to the spot.

She's unable to tear her gaze away from the centre of the stage, unable to take her eyes off _Sana_ , standing there in the warm glow of the spotlight, singing softly with her eyes closed, and breaking Nayeon's heart all over again. 

 

 


	3. all we can do is keep breathing (i)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the first part of chapter 2. I ended up splitting it into two cos it was starting to get ridiculously long :/

 

The clock on the bedside table tells her it's still too early, barely after dawn. Sana is somewhere in between sleep and being awake, curled comfortably under the covers. She's about to drift off again when warm lips press against the back of her shoulder.

Sana feels the beginning of a tender smile blooming on her face as she reaches down and tangles her fingers with the ones dancing over her stomach.

"Go back to sleep, baby," she mumbles, voice heavy with sleep. 

There's no reply, only kisses that continue trailing up her neck, lingering hotly on her skin and leaving goosebumps in their wake. Warm breath ghosts over her jaw before lips latch onto her skin, right where she's most sensitive and her pulse jumps automatically.

Sana chuckles and turns around to see dark chocolate eyes glinting back at her and feels her heart catch in her throat. 

"It's too early for morning sex," she murmurs, reaching over to smooth messy hair over a bare shoulder and letting her touch linger for longer than necessary.

"It's never too early for morning sex," comes the quiet reply, then there's her name whispered reverently, folded into a voice brimming with obvious need.

Sana manages to laugh breathily before she gets pulled into a consuming kiss that steals all the air from her lungs and her eyes slip close. She feels herself sink back against the mattress and gives up trying to suppress the growing desire that starts deep in her chest. 

Instead, she surrenders completely, blinking her eyes open and drowning in dark liquid eyes that hold her gaze and draw her in effortlessly.

There's an aching beat and something pulls at the back of her mind, like she's forgetting something very important. The eyes meeting her own shifts suddenly, swimming with hurt instead of desire and Sana inhales sharply.

"Nayeon?" she gasps as she shoots up in her bed, heart beating erratically beneath her ribs. 

There's no one there - only crumpled sheets beside her. Sana is completely alone, lost in a dream so vivid it can only be a memory. 

She breathes in deeply for all the good it would do, and feels a painful lump rising up her throat instead. The feeling worsens when she remembers what day it is today.

It's been 5 years exactly since Sana walked away from the love of her life, breaking her heart and Sana's own at the same time. 

It's been 5 years so it shouldn't hurt this badly but it does. It still does.  

 

 

The sun is barely breaking over the horizon when she pulls up into the parking lot of Momo's dance studio. It's too early for anyone to be there so Sana lets herself in, using the key Momo hides in the old flowerpot near the front door.

She's in the middle of doing her warm up stretches when she hears the sound of someone entering the studio. She can tell by the sound of shuffling footsteps who it is and true enough, Momo pops into view a minute later, still bleary-eyed from sleep.

Momo's eyes catch Sana's own in the mirrored wall before them. Her lips thin slightly and a crease forms between her brows. Sana tears her gaze away and prays that Momo doesn't voice out any of the things Sana can clearly see playing across Momo's face.

There's a sigh then Momo drops down beside her and takes Sana's hands in hers, pulling gently and helping Sana stretch out her back.

"Jihyo and I are catching a flight right after lunch. Are you going to be okay while I'm away?" she asks, shifting together with Sana when she switches to another stretching position.

"You're only going to be away for a few days, Momo-yah," Sana points out in between even breaths. "I'm sure rehearsals for the musical will go on smoothly. Chungha will be more than happy to help with the steps if I need it."

Momo hums in acknowledgement before continuing. "I'm not talking about rehearsals, Sana. I'm asking if  _you'll_  be okay."

Sana lifts her head then, and laughs a little at the deep-seated frown on her best friend's face. "Momo, I spent years in L.A.  _by myself_. With English skills that are functional at best and I still turned out  _okay_."

Momo huffs, rolling her eyes. "I can still worry, you know."

"I never said you  _couldn't_ ," Sana shoots back with her own eye roll. "I said you don't  _have_  to."

Momo is quiet for a long moment then just sighs again. "That's a lie and we both know it. You haven't really been okay. Not now, not for a long time."

Sana freezes completely, an involuntary shiver running up her spine. There's too much truth in Momo's words that she doesn't want to acknowledge. Just like how she's carefully avoiding any mention of where Momo and Jihyo are heading to for their quick getaway - Jeju is not a place she can bear thinking about or discussing, not when it's bound to make Nayeon's smile swim to the front of her mind without her permission. 

So she deflects, hitching a coy grin on her face and a teasing lilt in her voice. "I'm so  _honoured_  you care so much about me, Momoring."

Momo only heaves a long sigh in response, glaring at Sana in that familiar side-eye that Sana has been subject to more times than she can count over the years they've known each other.

Still, it works because Momo drops the subject completely, giving in to Sana's unspoken request to not talk about it. It's something that Sana is unbearably grateful for, even if she can never figure out how to articulate the sentiment out loud. 

 

 

Sana is exhausted by the time she gets out of the elevator at her floor. Chungha had been relentless - making the entire cast run through all the dance numbers a good 10 times before calling it a day. The whole thing was captured on video and sent to Momo who promptly called Sana out for her sloppy lines and restrained movement. 

So she had dutifully stayed behind with Chungha to go through the dance all over again for a couple more times before they stopped to continue the next day. 

It's way past dinner time now and all she wants to do is sink into her bed and fall asleep. She fumbles with the passcode for a while before she gets the door open.

She hears the television which means her mother is watching another episode of the latest drama to sweep the nation - a romance blossoming between a surgeon and her dying patient, initially forced into a marriage of convenience that enabled him to be covered under her insurance and qualify for life-saving treatment. 

Sana thinks it's a stupid premise but then again, she's never really enjoyed binge-watching dramas anyway. Especially not now when the very act of watching a drama brings up memories of happier times curled up on the sofa with a thoroughly invested Nayeon. 

"Mama, I'm home," she calls out softly, toeing off her shoes in the foyer. 

There's no reply so Sana just walks over to the living room and throws herself down on the sofa, head in her mother's lap. 

"Hello, sweetheart," her mother finally murmurs, running her fingers through Sana's hair soothingly.

Sana hums in reply, letting her eyes drift close. She lets the sounds from the television wash over her like white noise, only dimly registering the medical terms delivered in rapid-fire speech by the actors on screen. 

She's almost at the edge of sleep when she hears the ending theme song, then her mother's voice, pitched low but with a definite hint of affection in every word.

"Yeonnie must be a successful surgeon by now," her mother muses. "She was always so talented. And a good doctor too. Remember that time she helped me when I had that heart attack scare?"

Sana feels her own heart stop for a long agonising beat, and she tries to breathe through it, to not let on how much it affects her, hearing her mother talk about Nayeon with such fondness in her voice. 

"Of course, Mama," she replies, in a steady voice that somehow doesn't betray the storm beneath her ribs. 

Her mother's voice turns wistful and her hand stills from where it's been threading through Sana's hair. "I always hoped you two would end up married one day."

"Mama - "

"Papa loved her too, remember?" her mother contiues, the wistfulness in her voice growing heavier with grief. "He was always telling me if there's anyone he would trust to take care of his only daughter, it would be Im Nayeon, no doubt about it."

"Mama," Sana repeats, her voice cracking on the syllables. It's not the first time her mother has brought Nayeon up over the years but every time it happens, Sana still feels the fault lines in her heart break a little more apart. " _Please_."

There's a beat of silence then warm lips press a gentle apology to her temple. Her mother goes back to threading soothing fingers through Sana's hair.

Sana swallows hard and then just closes her eyes, willing sleep to descend upon her. 

Instead, like a movie reel, she sees scene after scene of different mornings in her parents' kitchen. Every one of them features the same thing - Sana walking sleepily into the kitchen to the sound of Nayeon and her father giggling like little kids over some inside joke, plates empty before them.

She wishes with all her heart that she can go back to those simpler times, when her father was still around, when she and Nayeon were young and  _happy_. 

Sana knows it's impossible but that doesn't stop her from feeling the fact sting anyway. 

"Okay, let's wrap up. I think you've gotten the hang of it," Chungha tells her and Sana is so thankful she immediately throws her arms around the girl and squeezes.

Chungha laughs and allows Sana to latch on for another two seconds before pushing her away.

"You're all sweaty and gross," Chungha points out over her shoulder, already heading for the door. "Go take a shower."

"You're all gross too," Sana shoots back but follows Chungha anyway, looking forward to the warm shower to soothe her aching limbs from another intense one-on-one practice session with the dancer. 

She steps back into the dance studio half and hour later to the sight of two of her favourite people in the world, sitting on the sofa and talking softly. 

Sana can't exactly help the delighted squeal she lets out which gets their attention at once. Jeongyeon only raises her eyebrows, a tiny smirk tugging the corner of her lips. Mina though, flashes Sana a soft smile and waves her hand a little. 

They barely have time to react before Sana is already latching onto both of them at once in a messy hug. She ignores Jeongyeon's loud protests and Mina's amused chuckles, holding on tighter and pressing a sloppy kiss on each of their cheeks. 

"I thought we agreed to cancel our weekly dinner tonight cos' the lovebirds are still away?" she asks, finally pulling away when Jeongyeon starts poking her ribs repeatedly with bony fingers. 

"My surgery ended early and Jeongyeon was done with her demo recording early too," Mina tells her, brushing back a strand of damp hair from Sana's forehead. "So we thought we'd surprise you."

"Clearly, our surprise worked seeing how enthusiastic your welcome was," Jeongyeon quips dryly, although the effect is somewhat lost given that she's idly playing with both Mina's fingers and Sana's own.

Sana just squeezes Jeongyeon's hand in gratitude and presses a fleeting kiss to the top of Mina's head. "Let's go then, Mrs. and Mrs. Myoui-Yoo."

 

  

They end up with boxes of takeout in the Myoui-Yoo home after dropping by their usual restaurant only to find it closed for minor renovation works. 

Still, Sana's heart is full, lounging lazily on the sofa and picking idly at the strawberry cake they're having for dessert. 

"How's your mum doing?" Jeongyeon asks around a full mouthful of cake. 

"Good," Sana replies, reaching over and swiping her thumb over the smudge of icing on Jeongyeon's chin. "She's obsessed with that drama, like every one else in Seoul."

"You mean the one with the heart surgeon?" Mina calls out from the kitchen, where she's drying dishes.

There's a sudden shift in the air around them that follows immediately after Mina's innocent words. Sana's mouth has gone suddenly dry and Jeongyeon's face is frozen somewhere between a grimace and a scowl.

Still, Sana has known her long enough to be able to read the hurt swimming in Jeongyeon's eyes - knows that thinking about anything remotely related to Nayeon hurts Jeongyeon as much as it hurts her. 

It makes guilt rise up at the back of her throat at how everything that unraveled between Nayeon and her had repercussions that rippled across their entire friendship circle. No one had really expected Nayeon to leave for Jeju the way she did, cutting off contact from all of her friends, including Jihyo and Jeongyeon who have been with her from the very beginning. 

It's messy, all of it. And it's really all Sana's fault anyway. She made a string of terrible choices and now, here they all are, broken around the edges.

Before she can voice any of it out loud, Mina comes back into the living room. Sana watches as she settles on the arm of the sofa and curls her hand around the nape of Jeongyeon's neck. Mina offers Sana a small apologetic smile, then leans down and whispers something into Jeongyeon's ear too soft for Sana to catch. 

It seems to take her an enormous effort but Jeongyeon takes a deep breath and hitches a shaky smile onto her face. 

"So, how are rehearsals coming along?" she asks and it's a little stilted but the accompanying playful kick to Sana's thigh helps to restore some of the balance. 

It gives Sana something familiar and easy to latch on to, which she does almost gratefully, glaring at Jeongyeon in retaliation. "Are you trying to bruise me on  _purpose_?"

Jeongyeon of course, ignores her and kicks again, grinning triumphantly when Sana is forced to shift right to the other end of the sofa to escape. 

"God, are you this rough in bed with your wife, Myoui-Yoo Jeongyeon?" Sana demands, putting her plate of unfinished cake down on the coffee table and rubbing her thigh mournfully.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Jeongyeon quips with a smug smirk that is entirely too annoying. 

Before Sana can retort though, Mina leans into Jeongyeon's side and the smirk on her face dissolves immediately as she tugs Mina closer and presses a quick kiss to her temple.

"Is Momo working you too hard?" Mina asks softly, settling against Jeongyeon more comfortably. 

Sana sighs slightly. "You know how she is. The routines are so complicated that I swear only  _Momo_  herself can pull if off perfectly."

"You're a great dancer, Sana," Mina tells her with a laugh then tilts her head thoughtfully, biting her lip. 

Sana recognises the look and knows what Mina is going to ask before she actually asks it. Wordlessly, she thumbs through her phone and opens the video from her dance practice earlier and hands it to Mina.

There's silence for a while as Mina watches it, a crinkle between her brow as she concentrates, carefully observing each dance move and analysing it in her head.

Then, just as quietly, she pulls away from Jeongyeon's hold, gets into position and starts dancing, executing each step as gracefully as she would have a ballet performance.

Sana has seen Mina dance many times over the years, but it never fails to make her a little star struck, watching the way Mina moves fluidly.

The same can probably be said of Jeongyeon who has her eyes fixed on Mina unblinkingly, a tender smile on her face. Sana chuckles at the sight and uses the opportunity to kick at Jeongyeon's knee, petty revenge for earlier.

She's not surprised when Jeongyeon doesn't even retaliate, too focused on watching her wife dance with too much love and affection in the pools of her eyes. 

Two days later, Momo breezes back into the studio with a glint in her eye that Sana knows spells trouble. 

"Oh my god, please tell me you did  _not_  change the routine," Sana gripes, narrowing her eyes at her best friend. "I literally just perfected it with Chungha while you were away."

Momo isn't even apologetic about it as she pulls on Sana's wrist and gets her to stand in position in the middle of the room. "It's just a minor change. Just a little one that you'll get in no time."

"You've always been a  _terrible_  liar, Hirai," Sana points out but allows Momo to manhandle her into position anyway. 

Momo rolls her eyes with a huff. "Shut up and pay attention, Minatozaki."

Sana bites back her retort and watches carefully as Momo demonstrates the new dance moves. By the time Momo is done and looking at her expectantly, Sana feels the beginning of a headache coming.

"That is so  _not_  a little change, Momo," she implores incredulously.

"Okay, so maybe I lied a little," Momo concedes and at least has the grace to look vaguely ashamed. "But come on, you've always been a fast learner."

"I'm not  _Mina_ ," Sana shoots back. "I take a while to perfect any move."

Momo's not even paying attention to her anymore, focused on replying a text message on her phone. Probably from Jihyo if that dopey half-smile on her face is anything to go by. 

"I still don't understand how I could have ever agreed to do a musical when I know  _you_  choreographed it," Sana continues, pitching her voice a little louder so that Momo has no choice but to hear her anyway even as she's busy texting her girlfriend. "You should have asked Mina. She took ballet for 11 years."

Momo finally looks up from her phone at that and pokes at Sana's cheek with her finger. "You said yes to the musical because you know it's good for your image. Famous screen actress comes back from L.A. and shows off her talents in a musical and all that great P.R. stuff."

Sana huffs exasperatedly, because that was  _exactly_  what the media said when they caught wind of her involvement in the musical. Never mind the fact that she only had minor parts in a couple of popular sitcoms and was in no way, famous. 

Momo pokes her cheek again, probably having correctly deduced the thoughts running through Sana's mind. "Also, Mina is a  _surgeon_. She's too busy cutting into people's brains and  _saving lives_  to star in a musical, Sana."

Sana just sighs and gestures for Momo to demonstrate the steps again.

 

 

Opening night goes off without a hitch, and so do the next two weeks. By the time the show is in its third week and leading up to the end of its run, Sana is almost functioning on autopilot.

Just as she's slipping into her dress for the opening number, there is a soft knock on her door.

"Come in," Sana calls distractedly, fumbling with the zipper of her costume. 

She catches sight of Momo slipping inside in the dressing table mirror and grins easily. "Hi, Momoring."

"Hi," Momo smiles back, stepping closer to Sana and tugging the zipper of her dress up into place. "Just wanted to come and say hi before the show starts."

"You don't have to, you know," Sana tells her, watching as Momo leans against the dressing table. She can't quite put her finger on it but there's something a little stilted in the way Momo is carrying herself tonight. "It's been more than two weeks since opening night. I'm pretty sure I can do the show in my sleep by now."

Sana is expecting another one of Momo's eye rolls or side-eyed glares that always makes an appearance in all the easy banter between them. Neither appears though. Instead, Momo shifts a little and lets out a laugh that sounds more than a little forced.

Sana eyes her suspiciously for a moment and frowns when Momo shifts awkwardly again, somehow managing to avoid Sana's eyes. "Momo? Is everything okay?"

Momo's gaze whips up to Sana's face and she shakes her head frantically. "I really just wanted to say hi."

Sana's frown deepens and she purses her lips but before she can say anything else, Momo is already on her feet. 

"I should go," she says hastily, pulling Sana into a sudden hug and squeezing tight enough for it to hurt.

"Good luck, Sana," she murmurs into Sana's hair before letting her go and slipping out of the room before Sana can even blink. 

There's no time for Sana to chase after her, not when she's already getting called for standby so Sana lets it go for now. She'll just have to talk to Momo later and find out why exactly her best friend was acting so weirdly earlier.

 

  

Two and a half hours later, Sana weaves her way through the backstage area, looking for any sign of Momo. She deftly sidesteps anyone trying to catch her arm, only flashing them one of her most charming smiles, as she moves on.

Finally, after a few minutes of searching, Sana's gaze lands on Momo's back down the hall. She's talking to someone whose shoulder Sana can barely make out beyond Momo's back. 

"Momo-yah," Sana calls out, making her way over.

Momo turns, suddenly no longer concealing the person standing in front of her.

Sana feels all the breath rush out of her lungs at once and the world seems to grind to a dramatic halt when her gaze locks onto Im Nayeon, the one person she never expected to see. 

 

  

Sana is not entirely sure how long she stands there, feet rooted to the ground, eyes glued to Nayeon on the other side of the hall.

All she knows is that Momo is suddenly next to her, tucking Sana's hand gently under her arm. 

"Breathe, Sana-yah," Momo murmurs, slowly leading Sana forward, to where Nayeon is waiting with an unreadable expression on her face. 

It's not until Momo tells her to that Sana notices her breath is coming out in shaky, rattling gasps. It seems to take forever for them to cross the hall, and Sana stumbles more than once, with only Momo's steady grip keeping her from falling flat on her face. 

" _Breathe_ ," Momo repeats, with a gentle squeeze of Sana's hand. 

There are only three steps to go and Nayeon is impossibly closer now to Sana than she has been in years. Momo squeezes her hand again and Sana listens this time. She takes a deep breath that rattles in her chest, then somehow manages to school her features into a small uneven smile. 

Momo nudges her and Sana takes another deep shuddering breath.

"Hi," she says tremulously, then snaps her mouth shut and keeps her gaze locked onto the carpeted floor. If not for Momo's solid grip on her arm, Sana is sure she would have collapsed into a puddle on the floor by now.

For a few agonising moments, no one speaks, until Momo clears her throat.

"Thank you for coming, Nayeonnie. It means a lot."

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world, Momo-yah," comes Nayeon's heartfelt reply and Sana's chest constricts painfully at just the sound of Nayeon's voice. 

"We're all going out for drinks after this," Momo tells her casually. "You should come along."

"No," Nayeon replies too quickly, her voice catching nervously. "I have surgery in the morning."

Sana's gaze snaps up from the floor at that and she can't help but frown slightly. 

"But tomorrow's Sunday," Sana finds herself blurting out before her brain manages to catch up. "You never schedule surgeries on Sunday."

Nayeon turns slowly towards her and meets Sana's eyes for an excruciating moment. Sana tries to breathe normally, and allows herself a moment to really look at Nayeon. Her hair is a deep chocolate brown and her forehead is free from bangs, unlike the last time they saw one another. She's dressed in what Sana recognises is her favourite pair of black jeans and an off-shoulder cashmere top Sana remembers buying for her years ago for Christmas. 

It makes Sana  _ache_  unbearably at how she cannot look at Nayeon and see a stranger, not when every part of her is still so familiar. 

"I have nothing else to do on a Sunday, anyway," Nayeon finally says and it's the matter-of-fact way she delivers the words that makes Sana flinch. 

Nayeon seems to realise it right away, and takes a deep breath of her own, eyes slipping close for a second.

Sana drinks the sight in, heart hammering painfully in her chest the entire time. God, Nayeon is still so  _beautiful_.

She focuses on that instead of the endless string of memories threatening to swim to the front of her mind - memories of lazy Sundays curled up with Nayeon in bed or strolling along the Han river hand in hand in the afternoon sun.

After another agonising beat, Nayeon opens her eyes again.

"Thank you for inviting me again, Momo-yah," she says, offering Momo a soft smile. "The show was so good. You're really great at what you do."

"Thank you," Momo beams. She pulls away from Sana for a second to step forward and wrap Nayeon up in a brief hug that Nayeon returns warmly, hand patting Momo's back gently before Momo lets her go.

Nayeon's eyes flicker towards Sana again. "Sana, you were - "

There's apparently no real end to that sentence because after an endless moment, Nayeon just looks away and says, "I should go."

"Okay," Momo says with an easy smile. "Get home safe, Nayeonnie."

"I will," Nayeon answers, with her own little half-smile. "Bye, Momoring."

She doesn't quite meet Sana's eyes this time, but still adds a soft  _goodbye, Sana_ , before slipping down the crowded hallway. 

"She looks good, right?" Momo says quietly, after Nayeon has disappeared around the corner.

Sana just nods, sucks in a wet sounding breath and then takes off after Nayeon at a run. 

 

  

By the time Sana bursts out of the front door of the theatre, the crowd has thinned considerably. She scans the carpark urgently, heart leaping unpleasantly in her chest, before she spots Nayeon unlocking her car.

Sana hastily jogs over and quietly calls out Nayeon's name when she's close enough. 

Nayeon turns around and her face freezes for a moment when she registers Sana standing in front of her. Then, her expression smoothes into a carefully neutral one. It makes a lump form in Sana's throat at how cold Nayeon's expression is. 

"What can I do for you, Sana?" Nayeon asks in a tone just as cold, tilting her head to the side. 

"I - " Sana begins in a quivering voice. "I know you said you have surgery tomorrow, but I was wondering if you maybe want to go grab coffee? Just - just a quick one."

Nayeon's gaze narrows slightly then she gives a tiny shake of her head and pulls her car door open, not looking at Sana as she answers. "I can't. I have surgeries every day."

Sana nods and tries to not let the rejection hurt her or show too much on her face. She doesn't think she's doing a very good job of it because Nayeon's cold expression falters for a brief second before it hardens again just as quickly. It's like Nayeon is steeling herself to remain cold and distant, to not give in to whatever Sana is asking.

It's completely fair and Nayeon has every right to do so, but it still stings anyway. 

"Okay - " Sana says in a small voice, then takes a deep breath and presses on, somehow managing to keep a hold on her composure. "But would it be alright if maybe - maybe I give you a call sometime? Just to - I mean, Nayeon, can we just  _talk_?"

Nayeon slips into her car seat then stares up at Sana for what feels like an entire lifetime. 

"No," she says finally, holding Sana's gaze evenly. 

A wounded sounding breath escapes Sana's lips without her permission but before she can say anything else, someone calls out her name excitedly.

Sana turns to see a couple beaming at her, both holding out the programme from the show, presumably for her to sign.

"You were incredible tonight," the woman says with a smile as Sana takes the pen her husband is holding out and scrawls her signature on both programme booklets. 

"Thank you," Sana mumbles when she's done and then agrees to take a quick picture with an easy practiced smile on her face. 

She excuses herself immediately after the couple thanks her and turns around again only to be met with an empty parking lot. She whirls around in panic and manages to catch the taillights of Nayeon's car disappearing around the corner. 

Sana stands there numbly, in the middle of the parking lot, staring at that corner for a full five minutes before she can find the strength to move again. 

 

  

"Hey, Sana."

Sana glances up from her phone and smiles when she sees one of her cast mates looming over her.

"Hi, Eunha-yah," Sana says, patting the seat beside her and chuckling when Eunha slumps into it with an exhausted groan. 

They sit in companionable silence for a while, watching Momo and Chungha run through a dance number with the chorus members on stage. 

"She's amazing," Eunha says, nodding in Momo's direction. 

Sana hasn't spoken to Momo for two days now, ever since the whole Nayeon thing, but she grudgingly agrees with a nod of her head.

"Are you guys still fighting?"

"We're not -" Sana immediately protests, before sighing at the pointed look Eunha shoots her. "Okay, yes. We are."

"Is it about that gorgeous friend of hers that came to watch the show the other night?"

It takes every ounce of Sana's self-control and every bit of her acting skills to keep a straight face and not react. "I'm not sure who you're referring to exactly."

Eunha shrugs, settling deeper into her seat, then she lets out a tiny chuckle. "You know, I was actually thinking of asking you out after we wrap the show up."

Sana blinks and turns to look at Eunha with more than a little surprise. "Really?"

"Come on, don't look so surprised," Eunha laughs, smacking Sana on the arm. "You're quite the catch, you know. But then, when I realised you're already attached - "

"I'm not," Sana cuts in with a furrowed brow. 

Eunha raises an eyebrow and gets to her feet with a rueful smile on her face.

"Sana, you may not be in a relationship," she begins, squeezing Sana's shoulder once then pinning her with a knowing look. "But you're definitely attached." 

 

 

"I'm just so  _mad_  at her," Sana fumes, pacing up and down the room agitatedly. "She could've at least warned me - "

"Would you have wanted to listen if she did?" Mina cuts in smoothly, taking a sip of her Iced Americano and then tilting her head at Sana questioningly. "You never want to talk about anything even remotely related to Nayeon, anyway."

"I was  _caught off-guard_ , Mina-yah," Sana points out, ignoring the tremor her treacherous heart lets out at the sound of Nayeon's name. 

"I'm not saying what Momo did is the right way to go about it," Mina begins in a placating tone, raising her hand to stop Sana from interrupting. "But maybe she had her reasons, Sana."

Sana lets out another frustrated huff, then a thought occurs to her that sends an involuntary shiver up her spine. She stops pacing and looks Mina dead in the eye. 

"She's working at the hospital isn't she?" Sana asks quietly, in the steadiest voice she can manage. "That's why Jihyo and Momo went to Jeju weeks ago. Not for a quick getaway to celebrate their advanced anniversary, but to ask her to come back and take over as Head of the Paediatric Department."

Mina hesitates long enough for Sana to have found her answer and god, how  _stupid_  is she to not have connected the dots earlier.

"Were  _any_  of you planning on telling me she's back?" Sana's question comes out carrying too much hurt wrapped around every word. Enough for Mina - normally calm and perfectly composed - to flinch. 

"Nayeon didn't want you to know, Sana-yah," Momo's voice comes from somewhere behind her and Sana turns to see her best friend standing on the threshold of the private room Mina booked for their tea appointment today. "Just like how, when  _you_  came back from L.A. a year ago, you didn't want Nayeon to know either."

Sana inhales sharply and feels only the familiar ache deep within her chest.

Momo notices but her gaze only hardens and Sana knows that Momo's not going to back down, that she's going to say all the things Sana has refused to hear or talk about for so long. 

"Then again, it's not like she was talking to any of us back then, so we had no other choice but to keep it to ourselves," Momo continues bluntly, then lets out a long sigh, running her had through her short hair in frustration. "God, both of you are so incredibly  _stupid_."

Sana lets her eyes slip close when she feels the familiar sting of tears start to cloud her vision. She feels warm fingers brushing through her fringe then Mina's quiet voice follows.

"None of us wants to keep seeing you and Nayeon hurting like this, Satang," Mina begins softly, then offers Sana an equally soft smile when she blinks her eyes open and meets Mina's gaze. "I know it's not how you would have wanted to meet Nayeon again after all these years -"

"I wouldn't have wanted to meet her at all," Sana cuts in, her voice cracking over the words in a way she cannot control. "Not now. Not ever."

"That's a lie and we all know it," Momo points out harshly but looks apologetic immediately when Mina shoots her a pointed glare.

"Sana," Mina says, fingers still gently brushing through Sana's hair. "You can be mad at Momo all you want but you're going to have to forgive her sooner or later. She only did what she thought was best, not to purposely hurt you. Or Nayeon."

Sana swallows unsteadily, swallowing down the tears that threaten to choke up her throat. "Did she know? Did she know I was in the show?"

"No," Momo breathes out after a moment of hesitance. "Like I said, she wanted to keep the distance between both of you."

It's almost unbearable now, the deep ache in Sana's chest. She takes a moment, letting her eyes slip close and just breathing for a while. She can feel Mina's fingers stop brushing through her hair then warm arms wrap around her almost protectively. It helps, having Mina hold her like this as she struggles to maintain her composure.

"You should have listened, Momo," Sana finally manages to say, blinking her eyes open to meet Momo's heavy gaze. "I can't believe you did that to her. To me."

Momo must be able to see the anguish in Sana's eyes because she softens considerably and looks genuinely apologetic now. 

"I'm sorry, Sana-yah," Momo begins gently, reaching over to take Sana's hand in hers and runs her thumb in apologetic circles over the back of Sana's hand. "It's been 5 years and I just thought that - "

"Forget it. It doesn't matter," Sana interrupts, shaking her head. She doesn't really want to talk about any of this anymore. "Nothing's going to change anyway."

There's a beat of silence as her words sink into the air around them. Then Mina shifts against her, tightening her hold on Sana. Her chin drops onto Sana's shoulder and her words come out as a gentle brush of air against Sana's cheek. 

"Sana, if it doesn't matter, you wouldn't still be  _this_  affected by it."

Sana's breathing hitches dangerously, betraying all semblance of composure she was trying so desperately to hold on to. She sinks into Mina's embrace and this time, doesn't bother to blink away the tears that gather at the corner of her eyes. 

"I told Nayeon this but I think you need to hear it too, Sana-yah," Momo tells her, fingers brushing over Sana's cheek and coming away wet with her tears. "There's a reason why both of you are still single after all this time. Maybe it's time for you to really start thinking about what that means." 

 

  

Afterwards, Sana asks Mina to drop her off at her favourite park near the Han river. She needs the long walk to shake off that sharp, painful feeling in her chest and grab a hold of her emotions again. 

It's long after sunset, when the sky has turned an impossibly dark shade of night, does she finally feel okay enough to head home. 

Still, Sana is emotionally drained by the time she keys in the passcode in front of her apartment. She takes off her shoes, places them neatly in the cupboard, and then hears the familiar ending theme song of that stupid drama. 

The one with the heart surgeon.

What swims to the front of her mind next is the image of Nayeon's eyes as she stares up at Sana from her car seat the other night. Eyes that are dark and liquid, tempered with frost when they had once gazed upon Sana with warmth that rivalled the sun. 

Before she's really thinking about it, Sana is already pulling out her shoes from the cupboard and slipping them back on again. She heads back outside, already dialling Momo's number with slightly trembling fingers.

"I need a favour," Sana says the moment Momo picks up. She knows she sounds breathless and verging on completely hysterical but Momo doesn't seem fazed. As though she can read Sana's mind and knows what favour Sana is about to ask of her. 

"She's staying at Jihyo's old apartment now," Momo tells her simply. "I'll text you the passcode."

"Thank you," Sana murmurs, then feels an insane urge to laugh because god, is she really going to do this? Turn up at Nayeon's door unannounced like this?

Momo, always able to read Sana effortlessly, even through a telephone line, lets out a little reassuring hum.

"It'll be okay, Sana-yah."

"Do you think I'm crazy for doing this?" Sana asks softly, then lets out a self-depreciating chuckle. "She might throw me out or slam the door in my face." 

"Maybe," Momo concedes, just as softly. "But it'll still be okay, in the end."

"I hope so," Sana whispers, then hangs up before Momo can say anything else. 

 

  

It takes five tries before the door to Nayeon's apartment beeps open. Sana opens it with fingers that have refused to stop trembling ever since she got here.

The door slams shut behind her with a note of finality that rings too loudly in the silent apartment. For a moment, Sana stands in the foyer, at a complete loss, with only the thundering of her heart for company. 

There's no sign of Nayeon yet and it occurs to Sana that she may not even be home anyway. She didn't plan for that or for what happens after she gets into the apartment. 

"Jihyo? Is that you?" Nayeon's voice cuts through the silence, startling Sana enough for her heart to stop beating for a second then impossibly, starts thundering even harder than it was before. 

Sana takes a deep breath and slowly moves further into the apartment. She steps into the living room and her eyes find Nayeon sitting on the sofa with her glasses on and feet up on the coffee table, reading what looks like her patient's chart. 

Nayeon hasn't noticed her yet but there's no turning back now, not when Nayeon is just there a few feet away from her. 

"Nayeon," Sana says softly around a wavering breath. 

Nayeon's head snaps up instantly at her name and Sana can see the shock in every line of her face. It quickly dissolves into a look so tempered that Sana can hardly recognise her at all. 

"You shouldn't be here."

"I just - I just wanted to talk," Sana manages to say weakly, trying very hard not to flinch under the weight of Nayeon's gaze.

"I don't think there's anything left to say between us," Nayeon says evenly, removing her glasses and setting them carefully on the coffee table.

Sana swallows hard and straightens her shoulders, forcing herself to meet Nayeon's gaze no matter how cold it is. 

"We both know that's not true. And even if - even if you have nothing to say to me, I have so much I want to say to you, Nayeon-ah."

"Maybe you can leave it in a note," Nayeon tells her dryly, with a humourless laugh that makes Sana's skin crawl. 

"Look, I'm not doing this with you anymore," Nayeon continues, getting to her feet abruptly and ignoring the way the chart in her lap falls to the floor, sending papers scattering everywhere. "You can show yourself out."

Nayeon starts to walk past her and Sana knows it's her cue to give up, to leave.

But for some reason, all she can think about is a memory of Nayeon curled up beside her on the sofa, reading through her textbook for class while Sana watches the television.

_"Did you know the entire human epidermis renews itself every 35 days?" Nayeon tells her absently, flipping to the next page in her book._

_"Does that mean in 35 days, there'll be a whole part of your skin that's new, that I've yet to touch?"_

_"I don't think that's possible," Nayeon replies, lifting her gaze. "You'll never last that long without touching me in some way or another."_

_Nayeon looks pointedly at Sana's lap where Sana has an almost possessive hold on Nayeon's hand, running her thumb repeatedly over Nayeon's knuckles._

_Sana only laughs then presses a kiss to the corner of Nayeon's mouth, catching the edges of her smile._

It's all Sana can think about, how in the time since they've been apart, her epidermis has replaced itself more times than she can count.

And there isn't a single inch of her skin that has touched Nayeon's own.

Before she can really register or consider what she's doing, Sana reaches out and catches Nayeon's wrist just as she's about to walk past. 

Nayeon's gaze snaps to Sana's face then flickers uncertainly, then turns into blind panic when Sana shifts forward enough for their foreheads to touch. Sana's other hand comes up to cup Nayeon's cheek tremulously before she closes the distance between them.

Sana kisses Nayeon with everything she has left, with the kind of fever that builds up after five years of longing that only seems to grow stronger instead of fading with time. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am terrible at replying to comments but please know that I read every single one and am truly humbled at all the love and support you guys have for this fic (and me). Thank you <3


	4. all we can do is keep breathing (ii)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm so i had to split _this_ part of the chapter into two as well cos it kept getting longer and longer. 
> 
> so there's still a part three of _all we can do is keep breathing_ o.O

 

Years of being a surgeon and losing countless patients too young to die, have hardened Nayeon enough for her to remain stoic and unfazed no matter what comes her way on the surgical floor.  

Still, nothing could have prepared her for  _this_ , for how she unravels completely when Sana's forehead tips against hers, when Sana's shaking hand cups her cheek. 

All the wounds Nayeon has been carrying for so long seem to open all over again, throbbing in time to the quickening beat of her heart and the panic rising steadily up her throat. 

There's the briefest of pressures against her lips then a rush of soft air as Sana murmurs, "Nayeon,  _please_."

It's been so long since she's heard her name said that way - folded tenderly into the timbre of a voice brimming with obvious yearning. 

It makes something in Nayeon break and she kisses back harder, sinking her teeth into Sana's lower lip and relishing the sharp involuntary gasp Sana lets out. Sana's fingers come undone from Nayeon's wrist and settles instead in Nayeon's hair, scratching lightly at her scalp. 

A moan works its way out of Nayeon's throat before she can stop it and Nayeon pushes hard against Sana's body without breaking their kiss, enough for Sana's knees to collide with the sofa. She's ready for it when Sana buckles, falling backwards onto the muted grey cushions. Nayeon follows easily, chasing Sana's lips and swallowing the little moans Sana lets out every time Nayeon licks into her mouth. 

Nayeon has spent 5 years wondering what it would feel like to have Sana in her arms again, but all the thoughts that keep her up at night just don't compare to the feel of Sana's body flush against hers, breathing in an uneven staccato that sends thrills up Nayeon's spine.

Sana's fingers twist on the silk of Nayeon's pajamas and pulls until Nayeon's hips sink between her thighs. Then, they run up Nayeon's body urgently, catching on every one of her pajama buttons. Before long, Sana has pushed the fabric cleanly off of Nayeon's shoulders. 

There's a tremulous uncertainty building in Nayeon's chest but her hands aren't quite catching up, already pulling Sana's oversized sweater over her head. Sana's dark hair goes flying with it, spilling out over the cushions. Nayeon's breath catches at the messy waves of black hair contrasting against the fabric of her sofa. 

Sana is panting beneath her, chest rising and falling unsteadily, covered only by the black lace of her bra. Her eyes have slipped close, eyelashes a brush of charcoal against her pale cheeks. The urge to just  _look_  is overwhelming, so Nayeon allows herself a moment to drink Sana in. 

She's thinner than Nayeon remembers, the soft curves in Nayeon's memory giving way to ribs that press against skin on every inhale. Nayeon can't help but wonder what it would have been like to watch Sana grow into this unfamiliar body. 

Seeing it now though, is a sharp reminder of the years that stand between them and it sends sharp pain rushing through Nayeon's veins. 

Sana's hand grasps at the back of Nayeon's neck and pulls her down into another all-consuming kiss and just as suddenly, the pain is replaced with the same desperate need that's been electrifying her since Sana's lips first touched hers.

When they pull apart to breathe, Nayeon reaches for the warm hand on the nape of her neck and presses it back against the cushion above Sana's head instead. She leans forward and presses a few long, open-mouthed kisses down the column of Sana's throat. Sana's breath hitches dangerously then stops completely when Nayeon's thumb brushes the black ink on the inside of her wrist.

Nayeon holds her gaze, running her thumb over and over the steady zig-zag lines that end in a neat little N - an impression of Nayeon's own heartbeat, a permanent reminder colouring Sana's skin.

There's a long agonising beat before Sana shifts and Nayeon knows what's coming. Still, her heart trips all over itself when Sana's lips land on the space between her third and fourth rib, resting just shyly of the inked skin there. It's like Sana wants to dismantle Nayeon completely, with the way her lips slowly trace the inked impression of her own heartbeat and then lingers too long on the tiny S at the end of it. 

It had seemed like a good idea back then - getting an everlasting reminder of their love tattooed on their bodies like this. Nayeon remembers admiring her tattoo in the bathroom mirror for days after, in love with the idea of carrying the imprint of Sana's heartbeat so close to hers.

Sana brings her abruptly back to the present by  _licking_  at her tattoo - gentle kitten licks that set Nayeon on fire, making her head spin. It's unbearable how much she wants Sana - her entire body is thrumming with it.

So, Nayeon slips her hand down between them, softly skimming Sana's abs, before undoing the button of her jeans. Their eyes meet as Nayeon's fingers dip lower, past the waistband of Sana's underwear. 

Sana is  _so_  wet, so obviously turned on, but she's staring up at Nayeon with the most vulnerable expression Nayeon has ever seen. 

"Baby?"

Nayeon's eyes slam shut at that, fighting to hold back the sudden tears stinging the corners of her eyes. She tells herself it's just a word, just something Sana used to call her all the time. 

But then Sana says it again, even more urgently this time, and Nayeon feels her face crumple without her permission. She feels a tear slipping slowly down and then a soft hand brushing it away and cupping her cheek.

"Nayeon," Sana breathes, worry colouring every syllable of Nayeon's name and the words that follow. "Are you okay?"

"No," Nayeon manages to say, a broken whisper that lingers too heavily in the air between them. 

She hasn't been okay in five years.

And right now, lying here with her fingers still pressing against Sana so intimately, Nayeon has never felt further from okay in her life. 

 

 

"Nayeon?"

Her hands aren't working. They're shaking so badly, fumbling over the simple task of buttoning up her pajamas. In the end, Nayeon gives up and just tucks the edges around herself as best as she can. 

"Nayeon?"

Nayeon keeps her gaze locked onto her shaking hands, now curled too tightly in her lap. She shrinks further away from the sofa and leans right against the sharp corner of her coffee table. It presses into her spine hard enough to be painful, a good distraction that's keeping her grounded. 

"Nayeon, I - " Sana's voice shakes tremulously. 

Nayeon finally looks up then and swallows hard at the look on Sana's face. She wonders how Sana managed to get dressed again so effortlessly when Nayeon can't even fix her own damn buttons. 

"Please say something," Sana begins and it sounds more like a plea than anything else. "You're really scaring me right now and I just - I just need you to say something. Anything." 

"You need to go," Nayeon manages to get out in a splintered voice that doesn't sound anything like her own. 

"Nayeon - "

"You need to leave, Sana," Nayeon cuts in, somehow finding the strength to push up off the ground and get to her feet.

Sana follows, getting up from the sofa with unsteady movements heavy with uncertainty. There's a look in Sana's eyes that makes Nayeon ache but she can't. She can't do this right now.

"Leave," Nayeon repeats, trying desperately to sound as detached as she wants to feel. 

Sana takes a tiny step forward then stops and shakes her head. "I know this is a mess but please, Nayeon. Don't make me go. I just want to - "

"Talk?" Nayeon cuts in with a pointed look that makes Sana flinch.

"Please," she says faintly, a single tear running down her cheek. "Please let me try to explain."

"You need to  _go_ ," Nayeon insists, somehow managing to keep her voice firm and steady. "You shouldn't have come here, Sana. This is my  _home_  and you can't just - "

"You're right," Sana interrupts in an anguished voice. "I shouldn't have done this. Any of this. I'm sorry Nayeon-ah."

Nayeon lets her eyes slip close. She cannot bear to see the way Sana is holding herself now, caved inwards with her hand over her heart, like she's trying to physically keep it from breaking. 

Still, she hears Sana's next words as though they are screamed out loud at her and not a shaky exhale.

"I'm sorry I keep fucking things up for you, like this. I'll go."

There should be a moment when relief washes over her at the fact that Sana is leaving. But it never comes. Instead, there's just a hollow ache at the sound of Sana stumbling on her feet as she shifts past Nayeon to get to the door.

Nayeon finally opens her eyes, just in time to be greeted with the sight of Sana walking away. 

"Sana."

It's something she knows she will never forget, the way Sana turns back to look at her with cautiously hopeful eyes. 

"I - " Nayeon's voice hitches, thick with unshed tears. "I need you to promise me you won't come back here."

Sana's face falls but she holds Nayeon's gaze and nods. Nayeon's eyes are on her this time, when Sana turns around and walks away. 

But all she can see is that cautiously hopeful look on Sana's face, and then the cruel final sound of her apartment door closing. 

 

 

Nayeon shows up at the hospital the next morning, sleepless, and three hours early. The only thing keeping her from breaking completely is her ninth cup of strong black coffee in as many hours.

It's ironic how she's a heart surgeon, yet here she is, drowning herself in caffeine - enough to make her heart race and run the risk of arrhythmia or cardiac arrest.

Still, Sana's cautiously hopeful eyes burns itself on the back of her eyelids and this is the only way she knows how to cope. 

 

 

She gets paged into an emergency trauma surgery half-way through the day.

When she walks into the OR, her eyes catch Jihyo's gaze for an agonising beat. There's understanding and a tinge of pity swimming in Jihyo's eyes and Nayeon's heart sinks. Because it means Jihyo  _knows_  and will ask her about it, about how she  _almost had sex_  with Sana on her living room sofa, about the way she threw Sana out after having her fingers down Sana's underwear. 

So, Nayeon squares her shoulders and steps up to the OR table, calling for the scalpel brusquely. 

It's quiet for a while as Jihyo and her work to save the 7-year-old boy before them. But it's the kind of quiet that normally precedes an oncoming storm so Nayeon isn't surprised when Jihyo breaks the silence.

"I'm here if you need to talk about it."

Nayeon doesn't say anything, focusing on repairing the tear in the tiny heart in her hands. 

" _Nayeon_ ," Jihyo sighs. "You  _need_  to talk about it. 

"I'm a little busy at the moment, Jihyo," Nayeon replies pointedly, looking up to see Jihyo studying her intensely, with hands still bowel-deep in their patient. 

"You can't keep running away from this."

"Now is really  _not_  the right time, Park Jihyo," Nayeon snaps, then curses when there's a sudden overflow of red that fills the chest cavity in front of her. 

There's no time to say anything else as the machines around them start beeping erratically all at once. 

 

 

The OR door slams loudly behind her as Nayeon storms into the scrubbing area. She pulls the surgical gown off her body almost violently, then wrenches the mask off her face and dumps both into the bin in the corner.

"Nayeon," Jihyo's voice comes from behind her, soft and carrying a gentle edge to it that only makes the flash of anger in Nayeon's gut grow even sharper.

" _Don't_ ," Nayeon grits out in between clenched teeth.

Jihyo doesn't flinch. Instead, she takes a carefully measured step until she ends up right beside Nayeon. 

"You can't keep holding it all inside yourself, Nayeon-ah," Jihyo tells her, still in that same gentle voice. "You need to talk about it at some point."

"What we need to talk about is how  _I could have saved him_ ," Nayeon breathes out harshly, words serrated around the edges. "I could have saved that little boy you see lying  _dead_  on the Operating Table."

Jihyo meets Nayeon's gaze unflinchingly. "He was already too far gone by the time you came into the OR - "

" _I could have saved him_ ," Nayeon repeats, her voice rising in volume in a way she cannot really control. "But you just had to ask me about it, about  _Sana_  - "

Nayeon breaks off abruptly the moment Sana's name leaves her lips. She takes a deep shuddering breath and then another. At some point, she realises her fists are clenched so tightly around the edge of the sink in front of her that she can map out the blue veins underneath her skin. 

"You know as well as I do that his chances of survival with critical internal injuries like that is slim," Jihyo says calmly, unfazed by all of Nayeon's misplaced anger.

It's like she knows Nayeon is holding on to this irrational rage because it's easier to feel than the complex knot of feelings twisting in her gut every time she thinks about last night, about Sana and that look on her face just before it falls when Nayeon tells her to leave. 

"Then why did you even page me in the first place?" Nayeon's question comes out in a weak exhale, losing most of the heat from earlier. 

Jihyo, effortlessly reading Nayeon like she always does, lays a warm palm on Nayeon's back. It bleeds warmth through Nayeon's scrubs and when Jihyo begins to rub soothing circles in between her shoulder blades, Nayeon feels all the anger drain away, leaving only a deep-seated ache.

"I don't think I can do this, Jihyo," Nayeon manages to say, the words catching on unshed tears heavy in her throat.

God, how is it that Sana still has such a hold over her, can still affect her in ways she can barely understand, swinging from one emotional storm to another like this. 

"She turned up at our apartment in tears," Jihyo tells her, arm now an anchor wrapped around Nayeon's waist. "And you don't look much better yourself, Nayeon-ah."

Nayeon's vision starts to blur dangerously and she doesn't quite have the strength to fight it, sinking against Jihyo's side. 

Jihyo's arm tightens around her. "I'm sorry, Nayeon-ah. If I could, I'll do whatever it takes to stop you and Sana hurting like this."

It's the last thing Nayeon hears before the sound of her own sobs drown out everything else around them. 

Jihyo holds her with solid arms until Nayeon's tears run dry. Then she takes Nayeon by the hand and leads her to an empty on-call room and then holds Nayeon's hand until she falls asleep, exhausted and emotionally drained.

 

 

It's already dark by the time Nayeon wakes up hours later. There's a wrapped tuna sandwich, a bottle of water and some aspirin on the bedside table. Nayeon picks up the accompanying note, recognising Jihyo's messy scribbles. 

_Make sure you finish the sandwich. Take the pills only if you need to._

_Feel better soon, love you._

There's a dull pounding in her head, probably from the crying, but it's mild so Nayeon only pops one of the pills into her mouth and washes it down with some water.

Sighing, Nayeon unwraps the sandwich and starts nibbling on a corner. She has a feeling Jihyo will somehow hear about it if she doesn't eat it. 

Somehow, it helps her to regain some semblance of equilibrium, and by the time she's done eating and walking out of the on-call room, Nayeon feels more like herself again. 

Her shift's long over but Nayeon still heads up to the paediatric ward and checks on all her patients, catches up with her residents who are on-call, then finally stops by the morgue.

She's not surprised that the staff seem to be expecting her - Jihyo must have told them she would visit before she leaves for the day. 

Their patient from earlier is lying on one of the tables, underneath a white sheet. Nayeon reads the tag hanging off his ankle. Han Joon. 

He's the first she's lost since moving back to Seoul and even though he was brought in after a devastating car accident and wasn't technically one of her patients, Nayeon knows she will never forget how it feels to hold his tiny heart in her hands. 

She lowers the white sheet covering Joon's face and lays a hand on his cold cheek. She bows her head in respect and prays for him before saying goodbye and pulling the sheet up over his head again. 

Nayeon offers a tiny smile and a polite bow to the staff standing respectfully in the corner of the room, giving her the privacy she needed.

It's only when she's stepping out of the glass doors of the hospital does she feel the bone-deep weariness settle over her and that ever-present dull ache beneath her ribs.

 

 

Nayeon notices her from afar, the blonde-haired figure leaning casually against the hood of her car. Jeongyeon hasn't seen her yet, attention fixed on the phone in her hand.

"Jeongyeon?" Nayeon calls out when she's close enough. "What are you doing here?"

Jeongyeon lifts her gaze, face scrunched up in surprise, before her expression relaxes and she grins lopsidedly at Nayeon. 

"Hi."

"Hi," Nayeon echoes then shoves lightly at Jeongyeon's shoulder. "Get off my car. Seriously, what are you even doing lounging on my car like that?"

Jeongyeon rolls her eyes but complies, straightening up from Nayeon's car. "I thought you could use some company for dinner tonight."

Nayeon blinks at that and then belatedly notices the plastic bag of fried chicken and beer dangling off Jeongyeon's arm. Jeongyeon's watching her too carefully, eyes brimming with concern, despite the warm smile on her face. 

"I don't know, Jeongyeon-ah," Nayeon begins, the exhaustion and weariness weighing on her more than ever.

"Come on," Jeongyeon says simply, something in her eyes telling Nayeon that she isn't going to take no as an answer. "I even got Tteokbokki from that street stall you love near our old high school."

Nayeon sighs and when Jeongyeon whispers a quiet  _Nayeonnie_ , she gives in, unlocking the car and gesturing for Jeongyeon to get in. 

She waits until Jeongyeon is settled in the passenger seat, seatbelt on, before she breaks the silence between them.

"I don't want to talk about -"

"I know," Jeongyeon cuts in and her smile is gentle now, a far cry from the Jeongyeon that had lashed out at her weeks ago at the playground of Momo's estate. "We're just going to have some good chicken and drinks, okay?"

"Okay," Nayeon concedes warily after a prolonged beat.

"Mina's on-call tonight so I could use some company for dinner too," Jeongyeon tells her casually, propping her feet up onto the dashboard. Nayeon reaches over and slaps her ankle but of course, Jeongyeon ignores her and only gets more comfortable.

"So, just think of this repaying one of the many favours you owe me," Jeongyeon continues, glancing at Nayeon out of the corner of her eye as Nayeon navigates them out of the hospital's carpark. 

When Nayeon glances at her best friend at the stop light, Jeongyeon meets her gaze squarely, shoulders lifted in a nonchalant shrug.

"Well, you  _do_  owe me a  _lifetime_  of favours to make up for all those years you shut me and everyone else out without our permission."

Jeongyeon's tone is light but it doesn't quite match the intense look in her eyes. Nayeon holds her gaze and doesn't quite know what to say to that. 

It doesn't matter anyway when seconds later, cars begin honking behind her and Nayeon is startled enough for her fumble with the handbrake in a panic. 

Jeongyeon doesn't miss a beat and starts chuckling beside her. It turns into outright laughter when she catches the flustered look on Nayeon's face as she hurriedly presses on the accelerator. 

It's annoying but incredibly familiar too because this is how they've always been - Jeongyeon not missing any opportunity to laugh her ass off at Nayeon's expense.

Nayeon reacts the only way she knows how to. She purposely floors the accelerator a little too hard without warning when she takes the next right turn, then starts laughing when Jeongyeon is jostled against the door with a loud undignified yelp. 

 

 

Jeongyeon's phone rings just as Nayeon is pulling up into her apartment complex. Nayeon watches out of the corner of her eye as Jeongyeon fishes it out of her pocket and glances at the Caller ID. 

There's an immediate shift in her demeanour that makes Nayeon's brow wrinkle in confusion. Jeongyeon is suddenly sitting upright, feet off the dashboard and she answers the call with a weary hello. 

Nayeon pieces together enough from the terse conversation she overhears to realise it's the Adoption Agency calling. It explains why Jeongyeon's free hand is currently gripping the seatbelt so hard her knuckles have turned white.

Without thinking about it, she reaches over and pries Jeongyeon's fingers away from the seatbelt, intertwining them between her own instead. Jeongyeon's eyes flicker towards her but she doesn't pull away and just latches on as she continues her conversation. 

Nayeon manoeuvres the car to a parking lot carefully, one hand on the steering wheel and the other still tangled with Jeongyeon's. Somehow she manages to park the car one-handedly, then sits in silence as Jeongyeon finishes her phone call. 

"Sorry," Jeongyeon mutters, right after she hangs up. Nayeon doesn't reply, just squeezes Jeongyeon's hand reassuringly. 

Jeongyeon seems to take comfort in the gesture and leans back in her seat, eyes slipping close. "They say they have reservations about how Mina and I are going to provide for the child."

Nayeon frowns again when she hears that because it doesn't make sense at all. Mina is a highly successful  _neurosurgeon_  and the royalties that Jeongyeon earns from all the songs she's written and composed amounts to hundreds of thousands  _every year_. And that's not even counting her occasional modelling gigs for high-end fashion brands and magazine pictorials.

It's ridiculous which is exactly what Nayeon blurts out before she can stop herself. "That's the most  _ridiculous_  thing I've ever heard. You and Mina live in a  _two-storey villa_  and each of you earn like  _10 times more_  than the average Korean citizen so - "

"I know," Jeongyeon interrupts, lips quirking slightly at the look of utter indignation on Nayeon's face. "It's just stupid government red tape." 

Nayeon huffs and is about to launch into a tirade when Jeongyeon squeezes her hand once. Then twice. She turns to look at Nayeon with wet eyelashes heavy with sadness. 

"It's the price I'm paying for the miscarriages. For losing all of our own - "

"Jeongyeon," Nayeon cuts in gently before her best friend can continue the rest of her sentence. 

Jeongyeon takes a deep shuddering breath that doesn't seem to have done anything to quell the sadness building in her chest. So Nayeon does the next best thing she can think of and pulls Jeongyeon into the tightest hug she can, ignoring the way the gear stick digs uncomfortably into her stomach. 

"It's not your fault, Jeongyeon-ah," she whispers, lips warm against Jeongyeon's temple. 

She feels Jeongyeon tremble slightly then Jeongyeon's pulling away, running the back of her hands against her eyes roughly. 

A shaky laugh escapes Jeongyeon's lips. "I'm supposed to be offering  _you_  comfort tonight, not the other way around."

Nayeon smiles softly, reaching over and tucking Jeongyeon's short blonde hair over her ear. "We can offer each other comfort then."

"Besides," she continues, smile widening when Jeongyeon offers her a tiny broken smile too. "Misery is good company, they say."

Jeongyeon chuckles and it sounds too rough and wet around the edges but it's still a laugh nonetheless. "I'm pretty sure that's not how the saying goes."

Nayeon shrugs. She knows it too but she's not about to admit that out loud. Not when Jeongyeon's eyes crinkle at her amusedly, like she's on the verge of laughing at Nayeon's expense again.

She'll take Jeongyeon laughing at her any day if it means she never has to see pain and sadness weighing down Jeongyeon's face. 

 

 

"I told you last night I had a staff meeting this morning," Nayeon gripes as she dots BB cream on her face and begins to work it into her skin. " _Why_  did you not set the alarm like I told you to?"

"I was a little preoccupied with cleaning up the mess  _you_  made," Jeongyeon retorts without looking at Nayeon, keeping her attention focused on the road ahead. She curses under her breath when a car cuts into her lane. " _How_  is it even possible for a brilliant surgeon like you to eat like a 3-year old _child_? There were chicken bits all over your carpet."

Nayeon rolls her eyes, now uncapping her lip gloss. "And I told you we can just call the apartment cleaners. They'll clean it all up."

It's Jeongyeon's turn to roll her eyes, expertly switching lanes and flooring on the accelerator so abruptly, Nayeon almost drops the lip gloss. 

"Do  _not_  wreck my car, Yoo Jeongyeon," Nayeon warns, glaring pointedly at Jeongyeon and gesticulating with the wand of her lip gloss. 

Jeongyeon merely grunts, and before Nayeon can say anything else, they're already pulling into the hospital parking lot.

"And with 10 minutes to spare before your meeting," Jeongyeon remarks with an annoying little smirk Nayeon wants to slap off her face. "You're welcome, Dr Im."

Nayeon just huffs in reply, rummaging around in her bag for a hair tie. There's a sharp nudge to her ribs and she lifts her head with an indignant scowl, only to feel it dissolving off her face when she meets Jeongyeon's gaze.

"Will you be okay?" Jeongyeon asks seriously, voice pitched low and brows creasing worriedly. 

Nayeon swallows past the sudden lump in her throat and takes the hair tie Jeongyeon's holding out with slightly trembling fingers.

"Ask me something easier, Jeongyeon-ah," she finally manages to say in the smallest of voices.

The softest of sighs escapes Jeongyeon's lips but she doesn't push any further, and Nayeon is filled with an intense rush of gratitude and affection for her best friend.

It's what makes her lean over and press a quick kiss to Jeongyeon's cheekbone. Jeongyeon allows it; doesn't even pull away or grimace like she normally would have. Instead, she offers Nayeon a tiny reassuring smile that helps to settle the brewing storm beneath Nayeon's ribs. 

 

 

In the end, she barely makes it to the meeting on time, slipping inside the conference room just as Jihyo's standing up from her seat to address the room.

Jihyo's eyes narrow slightly when she catches sight of Nayeon sinking into the empty seat beside Mina. Nayeon flashes Jihyo a quick close-lipped smile then reaches for some of the coffee in the middle of the table.

She's aware of Mina's eyes quietly observing as she sips slowly at the coffee and tries to pay attention to whatever Jihyo is saying. 

By the time Jihyo dismisses the room and everyone starts filing out, Nayeon is already on her second cup of coffee. 

"Coffee on an empty stomach is bad for you, you know," Mina tells her disapprovingly, even as she nudges a plate of pastries in Nayeon's direction. 

Nayeon takes a chocolate croissant dutifully and bites into it. "Jeongyeon's waiting for you in the carpark."

"Yes, I know," Mina says, mouth quirking at the corners.

"You eat like a child," she continues, half scolding, half amused as she sweeps crumbs off the table.

"That's what your wife said too," Nayeon shrugs, taking another large bite of her croissant. 

Mina's laugh tinkles delightfully between them, then she gets to her feet gracefully.

"Well, I guess I'm off then," she tells Nayeon, bending down to press a quick kiss to the top of Nayeon's head. "Have a good day, Dr Im."

Before she can think too much about it, Nayeon reaches out and curls her fingers around Mina's wrist before she walks away. 

Mina's eyebrows lift in silent question and she waits patiently as Nayeon struggles to figure out how to articulate the words out loud. 

After a long agonising moment, Nayeon can only stare up at Mina beseechingly, the words stubbornly trapped in her throat. 

Mina searches her eyes for a second then begins carefully, "She's doing okay. Trying her best to take it one day at a time."

All the breath rushes out of Nayeon's lungs in a soft exhale of air. Her breathing only hitches more when Mina continues, still in that same careful voice. 

"Just like what you're doing too."

Mina's hand closes around the loose grip Nayeon still has on her wrist.

"Hang in there, okay?" Mina squeezes Nayeon's hand, offering much needed strength and comfort. "It'll all be okay in the end, you'll see."

Nayeon squeezes back, then nods once and lets go of Mina's hand so she can leave. Still, Mina lingers for a second, until Nayeon nods again and gently pushes her to move. 

She's left alone now in the conference room, with only her half-finished cup of coffee and a plate of pastries for company. Nayeon takes a moment, slipping her eyes closed and allowing Mina's words to echo in her mind. 

As foolish and impossible as it may be, she finds herself praying fervently. Praying that Mina's right after all, and it will all be okay in the end. 

 

 

Nayeon spends the next few days throwing herself into surgery after surgery. It works, keeping herself too occupied to even allow thoughts of Sana and that cautiously hopeful look in her eyes, to filter into her mind. 

It works, until it all catches up to her again, as surely as the waves that always return to kiss the shores no matter how many times they're sent away.

 

 

Her doorbell rings, just as she's settling back against the sofa, the chart of her latest patient in her hands. 

Nayeon frowns when it continues ringing in sharp staccatos, annoying enough for it to really only be one person. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she gripes as she pulls the door open and is met with Jeongyeon's cheeky grin.

Then, she blinks and takes a second to look at her best friend. "Your hair is  _pink_."

"Astute observation, Dr Im," Jeongyeon quips, then raises her eyebrows expectantly. "Aren't you going to let me in?"

" _Why_  is your hair pink?" Nayeon asks, even as she moves aside enough for Jeongyeon to slip inside. "And more importantly, what are you even doing here?" 

"Do you have any pretty dresses?" Jeongyeon asks instead, clearly not paying attention to Nayeon as she arranges her shoes neatly in the shoe cupboard.

Nayeon rolls her eyes when Jeongyeon begins to arrange Nayeon's own shoes too, seemingly unable to help herself. 

"Jeongyeon."

Jeongyeon sighs, nudges one of Nayeon's heels perfectly straight, then finally looks at her. "Dyed my hair for a shoot with Ceci later this week."

There's a slight pause as Jeongyeon runs her fingers through her pink hair. Then she regards Nayeon carefully. There's a glimmer dancing in her eyes that makes Nayeon wary instantly. 

"Remember how you owe me a lifetime of favours?" Jeongyeon begins and Nayeon already feels the beginnings of dread collecting in the pit of her stomach. "Well, there's a wrap party for the musical and we're all going. Which means  _you're_ going too."

" _No_ ," Nayeon blurts out almost immediately. "There's no way I'm going."

Jeongyeon doesn't look surprised at Nayeon's reaction. Still, her eyes grow steely and she squares her shoulders. 

"You  _owe_  me," Jeongyeon says simply, lips pursed and Nayeon knows that look, knows how stubborn Jeongyeon can get, knows that Jeongyeon will never leave without dragging Nayeon along with her.

" _Jeongyeon_ ," she starts to say, hating how her voice sounds like a plea more than anything else. "You can't expect me to go when - when she's going to be there - when I have to see and talk - "

"More importantly," Jeongyeon cuts in smoothly, like as though Nayeon hasn't said a word. "You owe it to  _yourself_  to at least try, Nayeon-ah. Try to fix things with Sana. Try to figure out how to be  _friends_  again if nothing else. Just  _try_."

Nayeon's eyes flutter closed at the truth in Jeongyeon's words. Her heart is hammering impossibly hard against her ribs and it's all she can hear - the sound of her heartbeat tripping over itself. 

She's startled when a warm hand lands on her shoulder then slips down to rest on her hip. She blinks her eyes open again to find herself pulled against Jeongyeon's side.

"Come on," Jeongyeon tells her quietly, as she gently guides them into the apartment. "I'll help you get dressed."

 

 

It happens like every cliche in every movie ever. She's at the bar, already halfway through her glass of Rosé Spritzer, when out of the corner of her eye, she catches Sana slipping into the seat beside her.

"Can I have a Strawberry Lemonade Vodka please? Vodka, soda and syrup over some fresh strawberries and lemon slices, please. Not the bottled stuff."

Even if she somehow missed catching Sana taking the seat next to her, Nayeon would still have recognised that drink order anywhere.

"Hi," she says softly, and curls her fingers firmly around the glass in front of her. The urge to reach out and touch Sana is suddenly overwhelming. It brings back memories of the last time she touched Sana and Nayeon tightens her grip reflexively.

"Hi," Sana echoes, equally soft. 

They lapse into stilted silence that lingers, only broken when the bartender places Sana's drink in front of her, and then sheepishly asks for an autograph. Sana obliges immediately, with an easy charming smile that makes something in Nayeon's chest flutter recklessly. 

Still, Nayeon takes the opportunity to discreetly look at Sana - eyes drifting over the perfect bridge of Sana's nose, and the rosy flush on Sana's cheeks. Somehow, despite the years between them, Nayeon can tell that Sana's tipsy not flustered because of the bartender's sudden request.

After Sana returns the pen and autographed paper with another winning smile, silence lingers once again between them. Nayeon sips at her drink, if only for something to do, while she tries to figure out what to say. 

"Nayeon," Sana murmurs without warning, catching Nayeon by surprise and sending her heartbeat racing impossibly. "You look really beautiful tonight."

A stone flips over in Nayeon's stomach and she there's a lump rising fast up her throat. "Sana - "

"It's just a compliment, Nayeon," Sana interjects with a wry twist of her lips. "I'm not trying to - " 

"It's - it's fine," Nayeon interrupts awkwardly, shifting in her seat. Sana's gaze feels too heavy on her and Nayeon is forced to look away. She hastily gulps down the rest of her drink and signals for another. 

"It's crazy isn't it?" Sana says, then pauses to take a long sip of her drink. "Five years ago, I never would have thought I'd be someplace with this many people celebrating the successful run of my musical. Or even signing autographs for my bartender."

Nayeon stiffens slightly. There's something in the air telling her that they're verging on the edge of dangerous territory.

She turns slowly and meets Sana's gaze. A part of her wonders how Sana's eyes can still shine so brightly - they're almost sparkling in the dim light of the bar.

"It's crazy isn't it?" Sana repeats, voice barely above a whisper now. "How life turns out in the end."

Nayeon takes in a deep steadying breath. "Why are you telling me this, Sana?"

Sana's head dips and she runs her tongue over her bottom lip. It's a nervous habit that Nayeon recognises instantly and sharp longing blossoms into being deep in her chest. 

"I'm sorry," Sana murmurs, her gaze still locked on the floor. "I just - I look at you and I feel like I'm 17 again and - I just - "

Sana breaks off and Nayeon doesn't say anything, can't do anything except stare at Sana tremulously, the sound of her own heartbeat pounding in her ears.

"You were always the first person I wanted to share good news with - and I know it hasn't been the case for years now but - the  _bartender_  asked for my autograph and you're still - you're still the first person I want to share that with."

The ache in Nayeon's chest grows exponentially with every word Sana speaks. By the time Sana is done, it's unbearable. Her heart feels like it's collapsing onto itself, unable to carry the weight of Sana's confession.

Nayeon swallows hard. She cannot do this right now, not in a crowded dimly-lit bar and with Sana right on the edge of being drunk. It's not how they should be talking about the ruins of their relationship, about all the things still somehow lingering between them. 

So she deflects. "I think maybe you've had too much to drink, Sana."

Sana blinks once, twice. Then a tiny broken smile tugs on her lips and god, the way Sana is looking at her right now hurts Nayeon more than anything else.

She's about to open her mouth, to say something,  _anything_ , that will make the unfiltered anguish in Sana's eyes fade. 

"Sana!"

Both of them turn to see someone Nayeon doesn't recognise gesturing at Sana from across the room.

"I need to go," Sana says, sliding off her stool. She pauses for a fraction of a second then lays a tentative hand on Nayeon's arm, just barely grazing her skin. 

"Thank you for coming. You have no idea how much it means to me," she murmurs in a voice Nayeon can barely hear. "I never thought we'd ever end up here like this."

She leaves at that, leaves Nayeon with a rapidly sinking heart and shards of their broken relationship littered at the ground near her feet. 

 

 

Nayeon spends the rest of the evening at the bar, sipping on her Rosé Spritzer and resisting the urge to search the crowd for Sana. So she keeps her eyes trained on water droplets that gather and slide off the surface of her glass. She counts them silently in her head and it's a perfect distraction, keeping her more or less grounded until the party winds down and it's time to leave. 

The only reason why she stays until the end is because she knows Jeongyeon will never let her hear the end of it if she slips away halfway through. Ironic, given that Jeongyeon had abandoned her immediately the moment they arrived, to search the crowd for her wife instead. In fact, she hasn't even seen  _any_  of her friends since she first stepped into the wrap party.

The only person she had seen is  _Sana_  who isn't exactly a friend. Not anymore. 

As if on cue, Jeongyeon's bright pink hair swims into the edge of her vision and Nayeon turns to find Jeongyeon and Momo just behind her. Momo grins easily and loops an arm over Nayeon's shoulder. A sloppy kiss is pressed suddenly against her cheekbone and for the second time that evening, Nayeon feels the beginnings of dread collecting in the pit of her stomach. 

"The party's ending," Momo tells her cheerily, a little too loudly. It's a transparent attempt at keeping casual and it only fuels Nayeon's wariness. "We need a favour, Nayeonnie."

Nayeon frowns at that then shifts her gaze to Jeongyeon, hovering nearby. Jeongyeon's expression is carefully neutral, but Nayeon has known her long enough to be able to read the steely glint in her eye.

"No," Nayeon breathes out immediately and nudges Momo with her elbow so that the other girl lets her go.

Momo's arm slips away from Nayeon's shoulder and she takes a step back, tilting her head at Nayeon with a tiny frown and the ghost of a pout on her lips. Jeongyeon smoothly takes a step forward and clears her throat delicately. 

"Come on Nayeon, it's just a small  _favour_ ," she says, with just enough force in her voice to make her meaning crystal clear to Nayeon. 

Nayeon keeps her face perfectly blank and holds Jeongyeon's unwavering gaze in silence.

Just weeks ago, she was in Jeju with no one to owe a single favour to. For a very brief moment, Nayeon wishes she can go back in time because the glint in Jeongyeon's eye is even more pronounced now and it fills Nayeon with an uneasy sense of foreboding. 

She sighs. "Fine. What is it?"

Momo breaks out into another easy grin and says, "Sana's had way too much to drink. We need you to take her home."

Nayeon's stomach bottoms out completely. She had been steeling herself for it but still feels completely winded anyway.

"You're  _kidding_ ," she says brusquely, careful to keep her voice from shaking too much.

"Nope," Jeongyeon deadpans with a nonchalant shrug. "She's hammered. And the rest of us live on the other side of town. Sana's place is on your way."

"Absolutely not. You can't possibly expect me to -"

"Please, Nayeonnie," Momo says, curling a warm hand around Nayeon's wrist as if sensing Nayeon's need to _get away_  immediately. 

" _Please_ ," she repeats when Nayeon takes too long to come up with an appropriate response to articulate the mess of feelings and thoughts in her head. 

Momo's pouting now and there's no choice, really. Not with these two working against her like this. Nayeon wonders where the hell Jihyo and Mina are and why they aren't here keeping their respective partners in check. 

"Jihyo and Mina are with Sana in the bathroom," Jeongyeon tells her, correctly reading Nayeon's thoughts. "We all discussed it before Momo and I came to find you." 

Nayeon just lets out a long exhale. She knows there's no way she can get out of this now - Nayeon doesn't quite have the resolve to go up against all four of them once they've unanimously decided on something. And there's also the lingering guilt she feels at having abandoned them all those years ago. No matter what, Nayeon knows she will do whatever they ask of her anyway. Even if her entire being is currently screaming at her to run in the opposite direction before she's really coerced into taking Sana home. 

She comes back to the present when Momo starts running her fingers up and down Nayeon's arm soothingly. It helps a little. 

She doesn't say anything else, not even when Jeongyeon leaves to get Sana. Nayeon watches numbly as Jeongyeon's retreating figure disappears around the corner to the bathroom. Her mind is racing, trying to map out the million and one possibilities that could happen after she gets into a cab with Sana, trying to prepare herself somehow.

Momo must be able to read the distress on her face because Nayeon is quickly folded into a warm embrace.

"It's going to be okay, you know that right?" Momo murmurs, fingers now threading through Nayeon's hair. 

Nayeon feels a sudden sting in her eyes, the fresh threat of tears welling up in her throat. 

"Is it?" she mumbles back, and then allows herself a second to sink into Momo's arms and the strength they offer. 

 

 

Momo's arms are still wrapped loosely around her as they wait on the sidewalk for Jeongyeon to return with the others. Nayeon sees the cotton candy pink of Jeongyeon's hair first then stiffens involuntarily when she catches sight of an obviously unsteady Sana right behind her best friend, flanked by Jihyo and Mina. 

Momo pulls away and gives both of Nayeon's shoulders a reassuring squeeze. She squeezes again when Nayeon lets out an audible shaky exhale. 

Somehow, even with her heart thumping away like a sledgehammer against her ribs, Nayeon notices that Sana is barefoot and that her toenails are a shade of yellow that reminds Nayeon of soft sunshine on a spring morning. 

There's a pause when Sana lifts lazy, droopy eyes and her gaze lands on Nayeon's face. Her eyes widen dramatically, but there's no time for either of them to say anything because Jeongyeon has already hailed down a cab and is pulling the door open. 

Mina tugs gently on Sana's hand to get her to move and then helps her to settle into the backseat. Jihyo hangs back on the sidewalk, eyeing Nayeon with a serious look on her face. 

"Take care of her." 

_When have I ever not?_  is the first thing that pops into Nayeon's head in reply but she swallows the words down and settles for taking a deep breath instead. She doesn't quite have the right to think that anymore. Not when she hasn't even been anywhere near Sana in  _years_.

"Nayeon," Mina's voice calls out, gentle as ever. "Come on, the cab's ready to go."

Nayeon is barely able to keep herself from flinching. Jihyo notices, and her gaze softens considerably. She sighs a little and steps forward to pull Nayeon into a brief hug.

"Take care of yourself too," she murmurs into Nayeon's hair before letting her go. 

Momo takes her girlfriend's place immediately, leaning forward to press a warm kiss to Nayeon's cheek and then pushes her forward, where Mina and Jeongyeon are waiting beside the open door of the cab. 

She's pulled into another gentle embrace, taking comfort in the familiar smell of Jasmine. Mina hasn't changed her perfume in years and somehow, it's this small fact that quells the deep-seated ache in Nayeon's chest. It makes her step forwards bravely towards the waiting cab without further prompting from anyone else.

Nayeon catches Jeongyeon's eye just before she enters the cab. 

"We're even after this, Jeongyeon-ah," she says with a tiny humourless laugh.

Jeongyeon's lips quirk at the corners.

"Good luck," she murmurs back, then pushes the door of the cab shut and steps back onto the sidewalk.

Nayeon catches a brief glimpse of the four of them huddled together on the sidewalk before the cab pulls away and she loses sight of them altogether. 

 

 

With a tiny sigh, Nayeon turns reluctantly and takes in the sight of Sana curled up on the seat beside her. She looks impossibly small somehow, bare feet tucked up under her body. Her head is slumped against the glass and her eyes are closed, breathing soft and steady. 

Nayeon's eyes trace the graceful curve of Sana's exposed shoulders and the line of her collarbone. They linger a little too long on the red tint dusting Sana's cheeks and the way her eyelashes flutter.

She's so absorbed drinking Sana in that it takes her a moment to register the ahjussi's voice cutting through the silence in the cab. Nayeon blinks and forcefully tears her gaze away.

It occurs to her when she meets kind eyes in the rearview mirror that she actually doesn't know how to answer his question - she has no idea where Sana lives. Somehow, none of her friends thought it would be important for her to know this crucial piece of information. 

With another sigh, Nayeon quietly directs him to her address instead. Then, she leans back against the seat and stares out of the window. She resolutely keeps her gaze on the street lights flashing past, even when Sana shifts and her foot nudges against Nayeon's hip. 

Nayeon stares at the orange glow of the lights until they burn themselves onto the back of her eyelids, trying her best to ignore the way Sana's foot feels like it's burning on her hip, even through the layers of fabric from her dress. 

 

 

"Sana?" Nayeon's voice comes out softer than she wanted it to but it's hard to get words out around Sana as it is. It's so much harder now, when Sana looks almost ethereal, framed by the silvery moonlight filtering through Nayeon's living room window. 

Sana doesn't turn to look at her or even acknowledge Nayeon's presence at all. Instead, she keeps her gaze on the view outside, as though searching for answers in the constellations before her.

Nayeon swallows hard. The heavy silence is starting to set her on edge, and she wants desperately to cut through the stillness between them. But there's something in the look on Sana's face that makes the words catch on weeds in her throat. 

Sana leans closer to the window until her breath fogs up the glass. Nayeon watches as she traces her signature - the one Nayeon recognises from the time she came home to find Sana practising it over and over on their living room floor before her first starring role in a small indie play. The first of many plays that Nayeon missed watching because of an emergency surgery or a consultation that ran too long. 

Slowly, Sana wipes the signature away with the heel of her palm and rests her forehead completely against the cool glass, eyes fluttering closed. This isn't bubbly, hyper, midnight kiss, drunk Sana. This is something so much softer and sadder and Nayeon is doing everything in her power to not disintegrate completely or pull Sana into an embrace and never let go again. 

"I brought you some water," she says instead, voice echoing loudly. Her heart stutters when Sana's eyes flicker towards her.

"When I was younger, Papa used to take me stargazing all the time," Sana murmurs after a beat. "He used to make up stories about the constellations just to make me laugh. Did I ever tell you that?"

"No," Nayeon mumbles, setting the glass of water down on the coffee table with slightly trembling fingers.

" _One day, when I'm gone, don't be sad, Satang_ , he told me.  _I'll always shine down on you from the brightest star you'll see_ ," Sana turns away to look out at the stars again, fingers pressing against the glass. "I was too young to understand what he meant then but I guess I do now."

It's impossible for Nayeon to stop the shaky exhale that escapes her lips. Her heart aches for Sana, for Sana's Papa, for not being able to say goodbye to the man that she has come to regard as her own father.

"I wonder how he's doing sometimes, up there in heaven," Sana continues, in a quiet broken voice heavy with grief. "I wonder if he's proud of me. Or if he's disappointed that it's been 5 years and I still haven't fixed what went wrong between you and me."

The sound that escapes Nayeon's lips this time sounds more like a choked sob than anything else and she immediately stifles it with the back of her hand over her mouth.

Sana doesn't seem to have noticed but Nayeon doesn't wait around for a reaction anyway. She manages to mumble something about getting blankets then flees down the hall for her linen closet. 

If she had stayed just a moment longer, she would have seen the way Sana's shoulders tense and the stray tear that falls slowly down her cheek. 

 

 

Minatozaki Sana is curled up on her couch in one of Nayeon's sweatshirts, and Nayeon can't sleep.

She's sitting in her kitchen, staring blankly at the wooden grain of her kitchen table, and waiting for her life to start making sense again. She feels like she's been waiting for that for a long time now.

If she really thinks about it, there are parts of her life that are slotting back into place. Her friends, her job. Things are somehow fitting together the way they used to, the way she's always imagined them to. But then, there's Sana. 

Sana who is snoring softly in her sleep, an off-putting whispery sound that used to annoy Nayeon on the nights she struggled to fall asleep in the bed they shared. Now though, something in her shifts at the faint sound drifting through her apartment.

Sana snores in her sleep, and she takes ridiculously long showers and uses up all the hot water. Sana is an unrivalled ball of energy, always making the most random noises when she's happy or hyper, and she can easily win anyone over with her charming saccharine smile that never fails to reach her eyes. Sana is also the clumsiest person Nayeon has ever met and Nayeon has spent too many moments soothing away bruises and cuts, and the occasional broken bone. It's how they first met actually - seven-year old Nayeon trying her best to comfort a wailing Sana, almost hysterical over the blood on her knees.

Nayeon has no idea how to reconcile that Sana, with the one who completely shattered her heart.

There's her life as it was in Jeju, and her life as it is now in Seoul. And then there's Sana on her sofa; a softly snoring beacon of all the things still painfully familiar to Nayeon, all the things she can never unlearn.

Uncertainty washes over her in waves as she tries to figure out what she's supposed to do now. 

Then, Sana shifts in her sleep and murmurs something that sounds suspiciously like Nayeon's name. Just like that, something beneath her ribs settle and starts clicking back into place. 

 

 

By the time ribbons of warm sunlight stream into the living room, Nayeon is beyond exhausted. She's still at her kitchen table, now nursing her third cup of coffee, and simply waiting for Sana to wake up. 

She's almost done with her coffee and considering pouring herself another cup when there's quiet shuffling coming from the living room. Nayeon drains the rest of her coffee and sets the cup down with trembling fingers.

Nayeon's mouth goes suddenly dry when Sana appears on the threshold of the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. It's been a while since she's seen Sana like this - sleep-drunk and not quite awake, all soft edges and an almost child-like innocence to her. 

"The bathroom's down the hall," Nayeon murmurs, loud enough for Sana to stop rubbing at her eyes and squint at Nayeon blearily. "There's a fresh toothbrush on the sink."

Nayeon gestures to the left and watches as Sana shuffles off, following her direction. A minute later, she hears the sound of the tap running and lets out a breath she doesn't even know she was holding in. 

Slipping out of her seat, Nayeon pours a fresh cup of coffee and pops some bread into the toaster. Nayeon closes her eyes and starts counting down from a 100 as she waits for the toast. It helps her to focus on something else than the sound of running water from her bathroom and the inevitable fact that when it stops, there's no more running away from Sana and all the things lingering between both of them. 

 

 

She's in the middle of spreading honey over the toast when the water in the bathroom finally stops running. Nayeon lets out a shaky breath then clumsily carries the plate of toast and the mug of coffee to the kitchen table.

Nayeon slips into her seat again and waits, counting each shuffling step Sana takes down her hallway. She sees Sana's feet first, stepping hesitantly into the kitchen, and takes a brief second to linger on the soft sunshine yellow nails she first noticed last night.

There's a long harrowing beat then slowly, Nayeon lifts her gaze, trailing past the oversized sleeves of her sweatshirt that falls over Sana's fingers, before meeting Sana's crestfallen face.

"Nayeon," Sana mumbles softly, voice laced with heavy guilt. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to put you through all this trouble."

Nayeon half-shrugs. She doesn't know what to say next, how to begin articulating all the things she knows needs to be said between them.

"I'm so sorry," Sana repeats, sounding even more guilty than she did before. "You probably have surgery. I'll get out of your - "

"I don't," Nayeon interrupts then takes a deep breath before continuing. "I don't have surgery. I took urgent leave for the day."

A stilted silence falls between them as Sana processes this. Nayeon watches, taking in the way Sana's wet fringe is plastered to the side of her face, the way Sana has her fingers clenched tight around the fabric of the sweatshirt that falls over them.

"Because of me?" Sana finally asks in a tiny vulnerable voice that makes Nayeon ache. 

"Because you're right," Nayeon replies and aches even more at the way Sana blinks uncomprehendingly. "We should talk."

Nayeon sees it, the dawning comprehension wash over Sana's eyes, and then the hesitance that follows. 

"But first, have some coffee and eat that," Nayeon continues softly, nodding her head at the plate of toast and coffee on the table. "You'll need it for the hangover."

"Okay," Sana answers unevenly, slipping into the seat opposite Nayeon. She takes a sip of coffee then lifts wide slightly startled eyes to meet Nayeon's gaze.

"I remember how you like your coffee, Sana," Nayeon tells her quietly then confesses all at once. "It's not like I've forgotten all these parts about you."

"Nayeon - "

"If I did, none of this would be so hard. None of this would _hurt_ quite as badly as it is right now," Nayeon breaks off, takes a deep shuddering breath and feels it rattle beneath her ribs. "So yes, Sana. I remember how you like your coffee."

Sana holds Nayeon's gaze for an excruciating beat before she looks away, focusing on the tendrils of steam still rising from the surface of her coffee. 

"Thank you," she murmurs faintly.

There's a heaviness that lingers in the air afterwards and Nayeon has no idea if Sana is thanking her for the coffee, or for finally being honest and no longer avoiding the pieces of their relationship still stubbornly lingering behind.  

 

 

"I've had this conversation with you in my head a thousand times," Sana begins quietly, words coming out in a wavering exhale that carries too much pain, guilt and a world of regret. "But now, I don't really know where to start."

Nayeon doesn't say anything, just bites on the inside of her cheek. She doesn't know where to begin either but then again, she's not the one that walked out of their relationship so she just keeps her fingers clenched tightly around the cup in front of her and waits for Sana to continue.

"I'm sorry for everything, Nayeon," Sana finally says. "I'm sorry for what happened to us. For walking away from you."

"Don't," Nayeon shakes her head weakly, trying to breathe through the ache building in her chest. "Don't apologise. I don't need you to. I just - I just need to understand  _why_."

Sana takes a few deep breaths then meets Nayeon's gaze with dark, sincere eyes. 

"My whole life, I've dreamt of being an idol, of being on stage," Sana begins. "I thought that if I worked hard at it, if I wanted it so badly, that it would happen for me. But it - it didn't turn out that way. Years went by and I was still a trainee and it just - it never happened."

"You were close to debut," Nayeon points out before she can stop herself from interrupting. 

Sana's lips twist into a wry, broken smile. "I was. I had my big break when they sent me to Japan but then - "

Nayeon can't help the involuntarily sharp inhale of breath she takes when Sana mentions Japan because she's spent nights tracing where it all started going wrong for them and Japan is really where it all began. 

"But then, you came back," Nayeon breathes out shakily when Sana can't seem to continue.

She feels the well of pain inside her cresting when she remembers their fight in the middle of Gimpo airport, remembers Sana leaving to Japan without her, remembers Sana turning up at their apartment three months later with her luggage and a million apologies. 

"You regretted it," Nayeon says, the realisation dawning heavily on her. She had always had her suspicions but seeing the anguish on Sana's face now only confirms it. "You regretted leaving Japan and all your idol dreams behind."

"I didn't at first," Sana admits sadly, sounding like it physically hurts her to admit it out loud. "I was happy to give up my dream because it meant I got to be  _with you_. I was willing to do whatever it takes - to go into acting instead, to find some other way of being on stage - just so that I can stay with you."

Sana lets out a little bitter laugh that grates on Nayeon's ear. "It was hard to start all over again. I was getting shot down by every casting director in the city week after week. When I did get selected for parts, I was always the understudy. When I first landed a starring role, it was in an indie play so small, only 10 people turned up to watch and you - "

"And I had emergency surgery," Nayeon continues when Sana breaks off and looks away, tears pooling in her eyes. "I missed the whole thing."

"You were - you were always busy, there was always a surgery or some other kid to save and at first I thought it was just me but - after Japan, we just - we just never seemed to work anymore. Something changed and I tried so hard but you were busy and you were gone. A long time before I was."

"What are you saying?" Nayeon breathes. The ache in her chest is unbearable now, as is the guilt pooling heavily in her stomach. "That it was my fault? That you left to be an actress in L.A. because of  _me_?"

"No," Sana says, voice quivering with unshed tears. "I left for a second chance. Because someone offered me another shot at the one thing I've dreamed about my entire life. Because when I weighed what I had then with what I was offered - "

Sana pauses to take a deep shuddering breath and wipes at the stray tear on her cheek with a shaky hand. "With how we were slowly unravelling, I thought that if I had to choose - if I had to choose, I could have - could have lived without you, but I couldn't live with myself if I pass up another opportunity like how I did with Japan."

Nayeon's heart sinks rapidly in her chest because she remembers it too, how they never really fell back into place after Sana came back from Japan.

She's thought about it a lot over the years when she was in Jeju, but right now, listening to Sana, Nayeon is struck with the painful realisation that she's not entirely blameless either in the dissolution of their relationship. All those late nights spent in the OR, all the extra shifts she took on instead of spending time with Sana, instead of supporting her and being there for her.

This is as much her fault as it is Sana's. 

"You didn't have to choose," Nayeon begins, voice trembling in a way she cannot control. "That night - that night you left, I was going to tell you that I would go with you to L.A. but I came home and you were - you were already gone - "

"I didn't want you to give up the life you had for me," Sana cuts in. "You loved what you were doing. You were _talented_ , one of the best surgeons your age and you had such a bright future ahead of you. I didn't want you to have to make that choice."

"So you made it for both of us? How is that fair, Sana?"

"I'm not saying it was," Sana concedes, shaking her head miserably. "But you once made the choice to come with me too - when I was offered the chance to debut in Japan - and it - it ruined us. We didn't even make it past immigration. I didn't - I didn't want the same thing to happen again."

"You still ruined us anyway," Nayeon manages to say, voice splintered from all the tears she's trying to hold back. 

"You have," Sana pauses, blinks back her own tears and continues in a voice full and heavy with emotion. "You have no idea how sorry I am for leaving you the way I did. It was the hardest thing I've ever done." 

"Really?" Nayeon asks, miserable and disbelieving. "Because from where I'm standing, there's nothing hard about writing a three word note."

"I know," Sana replies, words catching around a sob. "I know it was cowardly and selfish, but I - I wanted to leave you with something true. I didn't - I didn't want you to think that I left because I no longer love you."

"I thought that anyway and I resented you for it, for leaving. And even now, I resent you for not staying away."

Sana's shoulders fall and her entire face crumples. "Do you really mean that?"

Nayeon looks at her, shaking under the weight of all this pain and feels the tears she's been holding back spill over down her cheeks, "Yeah, I do. Right now, I do."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you once again to all of you who have been patiently waiting and giving this fic so much undeserved love. thank you <3


	5. all we can do is keep breathing (iii)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so here it is, the final part of this chapter that just kept growing longer and longer.
> 
> in any case, we're at the halfway mark now so hang in there, we still have quite some way more to go <3

 

 

Somehow, both of them end up on the floor, their backs against Nayeon's kitchen cabinets. They're separated by only a few feet but Sana has never felt the distance more. They've both stopped crying nearly thirty minutes ago and only a heavy silence remains, punctuated occasionally by sniffles from either one of them. 

Slipping her eyes closed, Sana tilts her head back against the wood behind her. The sharp pain she felt throughout their conversation earlier has dulled somewhat. What's left behind is a deep well of regret and guilt.

It's too late now to take any of it back but the completely broken look on Nayeon's face just before she started crying makes Sana really, really wish she could. 

She has spent years hating herself for every decision she's made that has led them to this moment - irreparably broken and carrying wounds that never seem to heal.

Sana takes a deep breath, only to feel the guilt expanding and pressing against her ribcage. She takes her time, breathing deeply for a few moments before blinking her eyes open again.

Nayeon's kitchen ceiling is a shade of dreamy pastel pink that forces a memory to swim to the front of her mind. It's what makes Sana break the silence between them with a tiny voice, hoarse from all the crying.

"Nayeon? Do you - do you remember when we first moved in and painted our apartment?"

Nayeon turns to look at her with red-rimmed swollen eyes. The startled look on her face dissolves into a weary one, as if thinking about the memory itself is draining all of her energy. 

"It was a disaster, remember?" Sana continues when Nayeon doesn't say anything. "We started a paint fight instead and by the end of it, both of us were covered in pink paint from head to toe."

"Sana," Nayeon breathes, voice hitching slightly. She sits up straighter and shakes her head a little.

"And then we jumped into the shower together, clothes and all? And we laughed about how the paint turned the water the colour of strawberry milkshakes?"

Sana remembers that entire day with startling clarity. She remembers Nayeon chasing her around the apartment with her paint roller held out like a weapon. She remembers them laughing in between kisses in the shower, the water running in rivulets of pink all around them. But more than that, she remembers dragging Nayeon off to get milkshakes once they were mostly clean. Sana remembers Nayeon sitting in the Baskin Robbins near their apartment building, wet fringe sticking to the side of her face, and how the sound of her laughing into her strawberry milkshake filled Sana's entire body with indescribable warmth. 

"Sana -"

Sana cuts her off. "Do you regret it?"

"Regret what?"

Sana lets out a shaky laugh that somehow tapers into a half sob. 

"All of it," Sana draws her knees up to her chest. Her eyes are brimming with tears again, just waiting to spill over. "We were friends once. Best friends. If we had just remained friends, none of this - none of this would have happened. So I'm asking if - I'm asking if you regret it."

There are tears in Nayeon's eyes to match Sana's now and she swallows hard, shaking her head.

"No," she whispers hoarsely. "Of course I don't."

Sana takes in an unsteady breath and rubs at her eyes roughly. 

"Your ceiling is the same shade of pink," Sana breathes, then closes her eyes and rests her cheek on her knee when she hears Nayeon's breathing hitch brokenly. 

 

 

 

"I'm going to go now," Sana announces softly, breaking the painful silence that has once again descended between them. 

She pushes herself up to her feet and tries not to break all over again when she takes in the sight of Nayeon hugging her knees to her chest, misery a heavy cloak wrapped around every line of her body. 

"Thank you," Sana says, fighting to keep her voice steady. "For letting me explain, and for being honest with me."

"Take care of yourself, Nayeon," she continues when Nayeon still doesn't say anything. Swallowing hard, Sana forces herself to turn away. 

A hand reaches out and circles her wrist before Sana can take the first step. 

"Stay," Nayeon's voice is barely above a whisper and she's not even looking at Sana as she shifts and gets to her feet. 

"Stay," she repeats, finally turning to Sana with wet, pleading eyes. 

She lets go of Sana's wrist, only to take Sana's hand and lace their fingers together in a gesture that feels too significant - carrying the weight of a million things Sana cannot name or even dare to hope for.

 

 

 

Sana tries her best to get comfortable, shifting until her back once again presses against Nayeon's pristine white kitchen cabinet. Her hand is still tangled with Nayeon's own in the space between them.

She bites on the inside of her cheek when she feels Nayeon's thumb start tracing soft circles over the back of her hand. Sana has no idea what to make of the gesture, what to expect now. She feels like an unmoored ship adrift at sea, waiting for the mercy of Nayeon's wind to fill her sails and lead her towards a safe harbour. 

"Do you know why I left for Jeju?" Nayeon finally begins. A wry smile tugs on her lips when Sana lifts wary eyes to meet her gaze. "I always - I always knew you would come back one day. And when you finally do, I - I didn't want you to have to choose not to hang out with the girls because I would be there too and you didn't want to make it awkward for everyone. You  _broke my heart_  but I couldn't - couldn't stand the thought of you having to be alone. So, I left."

Nayeon breaks off and takes a deep steadying breath. There is a world of anguish in the pools of her eyes when her gaze flickers to Sana's face. 

She lets out a tiny broken laugh, laced with too much pain. "I guess we're both good at that. Making choices for each other."

"Nayeon," Sana breathes through the gaping hole in her own chest, through the weight of pain so heavy it feels like her ribs will break in half. "I'm sorry. I know I can never apologise enough for - "

"No, you're right," Nayeon interrupts. "I'm not blameless either. I - I didn't do anything when we started slowly drifting apart. I just - kept going on like everything was fine when it was anything but."

"I'm not," Sana begins stiltedly, around a shaky exhale. "I'm not sure what - I'm not sure where do we go from here."

Sana feels it, the way Nayeon tenses up, like as though she's bracing herself to crash into yet another great wall of pain like all the ones before that have wrecked the car they're currently in. 

But then, all the tension bleeds out of Nayeon's shoulders. Something seems to settle within her, settles in the cracks that have fissured between them, filling in all the hollows and gaping wounds. Nayeon shifts and somehow the space between them narrows until it disappears completely.

There's a whole well of emotions suddenly surging in Sana's chest, all of which she cannot name. It overflows and floods over her when Nayeon lifts their tangled hands and ever so gently, tugs until the back of Sana's hand rests right over her heart.

It's Sana's turn to freeze now. She doesn't dare to breathe because she can feel Nayeon's heartbeat, a little fast but steady and reassuring all the same, and Nayeon is looking at her like - 

"The first morning I woke up in Jeju," Nayeon tells her, holding Sana's gaze steadily, surely. "There was a sunrise so beautiful it made me believe that I would be okay. That I would come out of the other side  _okay_ , even without you. I took a picture and kept it on my bedside table. A reminder for all the times I woke up dreaming of you."

"Nayeon - "

"I hated myself for it, every single day. Hated how you broke my heart but I still somehow dream about you. But I've spent years -  _years_  resenting you and hating myself, years  _miserable_  and fooling myself with a picture of a beautiful sunrise. It's exhausting and I just... I just don't want to do it anymore, Sana."

Sana's breath hitches, even as her heart seems to slowly start stitching itself back together again. "What are you saying? Nayeon, I don't - "

Her words die in her throat when Nayeon's other hand comes up to cup her cheek, an echo of what Sana did days ago in Nayeon's living room. 

"I can handle you leaving again," Nayeon says quietly, using her thumb to brush away the stray tear that falls down Sana's cheek. "I did it once and miserable or not, I survived. But... I don't think I can handle having you here and not even trying to fix us."

"Can we?" Nayeon asks when Sana's breath hitches again, this time from the weight of unrestrained hope suddenly blossoming somewhere beneath her breastbone. "Can we just  _try_?"

Sana doesn't reply, can't reply even if she wanted to. There are no words that would ever suffice so she just leans forward and kisses Nayeon instead.

It's nothing more than a gentle press of lips, the briefest of pressures that lasts barely a second but it's answer enough. 

Nayeon's lips curve into a tentative smile and Sana can only stare helplessly at a sight she's yearned for for so long - Nayeon smiling at her with warmth that rivals the beauty of a million rising suns. 

 

 

 

She startles awake when her phone beeps on the bedside table. She's disoriented, struggling against the cobwebs of sleep clinging stubbornly to her mind, tangled together with memories from last night. 

Nayeon's brilliant smile burns itself on the back of her eyelids, even as Sana fumbles for her phone without opening her eyes.

She squints blearily at the screen and feels her heart burst when she sees Nayeon's name pop up on her notifications.

**Im Nayeon:**  Good morning :) Have a good day, today. 

It's barely 6 in the morning. Sana knows that Nayeon has an early surgery today. Some complicated procedure that Sana cannot pronounce the name of let alone remember what it entails. Nayeon must already be at the hospital and Sana can see it clearly in her mind; Nayeon lounging on the sofa in the staff lounge, coffee in one hand and texting Sana with the other. 

_Good Morning~~_  Sana types back in reply.  _You too! It's a beautiful day to save lives :)_

She waits patiently and is rewarded with Nayeon's reply not long after.

**Im Nayeon:**  :) Go back to sleep. Text you later?

Sana sends back a string of smiley emoticons then puts her phone to sleep and places it back on the bedside table. She snuggles into the warmth of her blanket, feeling light all over.

It's the most mundane exchange ever but it speaks volumes; not quite a do over because there's too much between them that cannot be undone or erased away, but it's a second chance, and that's so much better.

 

 

 

"Sana?"

Sana blinks when she hears her name and tears her gaze reluctantly away from her phone on the table in front of her. 

"Expecting something important?" Jeongyeon quips, the ghost of a smirk on her face.

"Or  _someone_ , rather," Momo dead-pans, although the way her eyes glimmer betrays her amusement.

" _None_  of your business," Sana says primly, with as much dignity as she can. She reaches for her phone and drops it into her bag so she won't be tempted to stare at the screen like some lovesick teenager.

She's a  _32-year-old adult_  for god's sake and besides, it's only been half an hour since Nayeon's last text and Staff Meetings always run longer than that. 

It's ridiculous really, how she's reduced to a hot mess with every new text, every new baby step they're taking towards repairing their relationship. It's been two weeks of texting and the occasional phone call and it's  _ridiculous_  because Sana should have developed some kind of grip by now. Instead, here she is, caught staring at her phone by her friends when she should be enjoying a nice lunch with them.

Sana drains the rest of her Iced Tea and pointedly ignores the way Momo and Jeongyeon are now grinning openly at her, probably enjoying the fact that she's struggling to suppress the blush threatening to colour her cheeks. 

"So," Sana clears her throat after a moment, directing her gaze at Momo. "Have you decided if you're going to start touring with Lee Hyori next month?"

Momo rolls her eyes but allows Sana's thinly veiled attempt to change the subject. Jeongyeon just laughs, and orders Sana another Iced Tea. 

 

 

 

Rush hour traffic in Seoul can be a nightmare, which is why Sana is patiently waiting it out in the basement carpark of her agency's building. She finds herself humming along to one of the latest girl group songs that's all the rage these days. Sana reaches over and turns up the volume, singing out loud and drumming her fingers to the addictive bass line on her steering wheel. 

There's a familiar beep and a smile automatically breaks out over Sana's face as she reaches for her phone and takes in Nayeon's latest message and the ones that follow immediately after.

**Im Nayeon:**  I've spent most of my day trying to work out a treatment plan for one of my patients. 

**Im Nayeon:**  Still stuck :(

**Im Nayeon:**  My brain feels like it's melting.

**Im Nayeon:**  Or about to explode. 

**Im Nayeon:**  I don't know. Mina's not here for me to consult :(

Sana chuckles lightly. There's something inherently endearing about a Nayeon that's like this. It makes Sana want to protect her; maybe take Nayeon into her arms and smooth away the frown lines and ease the tension from the line of Nayeon's shoulders. 

_I'm sorry, can't really help with the treatment plan or brain consult_ , Sana replies after a minute of chewing on her bottom lip and thinking over each word carefully.  _Maybe a bottle of Merlot, a hot bath, and some scented candles will help?_

She waits for a while but her message remains unread so Sana puts her phone away and decides to start driving home. Traffic would have eased somewhat by now. 

She's almost reaching her apartment complex when her phone sounds again. Sana normally doesn't check her phone while she's driving but she can't really resist the temptation. So, at the next red light, she reaches for her phone again. 

**Im Nayeon:** I don't have a bottle of Merlot :(

**Im Nayeon:** Or scented candles :( 

Sana sends back a simple _I do :) <3 _because it's true and because her mother's away visiting relatives in Japan, which means Sana has the house to herself.

Still, she doesn't really expect a reply, just so she doesn't get her own hopes up too much. They haven't met in person since that day in Nayeon's kitchen, careful to take it slowly and not rush too much into anything. 

It's probably not the most brilliant of ideas for her to offer, for their first meeting to be in Sana's home, with wine involved too. Not when they're still slowly navigating through uncharted waters and rediscovering each other. 

In fact, they haven't really defined what they are to each other - they're not quite together but not quite  _not_  together either.

All Sana knows for sure is that they're both trying, in their own ways. And maybe, that's all that really matters. 

 

 

 

It's been a good twenty minutes since Sana got home, yet her phone still remains silent. She tries not to read too much into it; is fully convinced that Nayeon must have gotten caught up in an emergency or just decided to head home instead.

She's about to curl up on the sofa and put on the first episode of a drama Nayeon recommended her recently, when her doorbell rings. Sana jumps, almost falling off the sofa in shock before she scrambles to her feet and makes a beeline for the door. 

The doorbell rings again just as her hand closes around the handle but Sana ignores it, taking a minute to smooth down the soft oversized pajama shirt she's wearing and try to make her hair look presentable. She catches herself a second later and just snorts at how silly she's being.

When Sana finally pulls the door open, she's greeted with the sight of Nayeon leaning against the wall next to the door. Nayeon is bundled up in her padded jacket, with the hood up over her head, and a warm-looking grey knitted scarf hiding half her face. Sana can only see her eyes but Nayeon looks completely exhausted and Sana feels her own heart squeeze a little at the sight.

"Should I be worried that you're stalking me?" Sana asks, with a small, teasing smile. "I never told you where I live."

Nayeon blinks uncomprehendingly for a second before she rolls her eyes and tugs at her scarf. "Bumped into Jihyo on my way out."

Sana chuckles and then just steps aside so that Nayeon can slip past her and into the foyer. She watches as Nayeon toes off her shoes then stands there awkwardly, wringing the scarf in her hands.

"Come on," Sana tells her softly, taking one of Nayeon's hands in her own. "I'll draw a bath for you."

Nayeon smiles softly back, and follows Sana to the bathroom, where Sana makes quick work of turning on the tap to fill in the tub. She can feel Nayeon's eyes on her as she rummages around in the cabinet under the sink for some scented candles. 

"Sana," Nayeon begins tentatively, as Sana lights the candles. "Do you - do you maybe want to join me?"

It's Sana's turn to blink uncomprehendingly at Nayeon before her brain catches up. She freezes, feeling heat colouring her cheeks. 

"It doesn't - doesn't have to lead to anything. I know, we're not quite ready yet," Nayeon tells her, stammering a little over her words, her own cheeks dusted faintly with red. "I just thought it'd be nice if we can relax and enjoy a quiet moment together."

There's a pause as they just stare at each other. Finally, Sana clears her throat and offers Nayeon a tiny smile. 

"Of course, we can, baby," she says, not missing the way Nayeon's breath seems to catch slightly at the nickname. "Just let me go get the wine. You go ahead and get in the tub first, okay?"

She doesn't wait for a reply before she leaves hastily, almost tripping over the bathroom rug on her way out. Nayeon's amused chuckles still follow her anyway, and Sana can't help but want to settle somewhere in the fullness of the sound. 

 

 

 

By the time Sana gets back to the bathroom, Nayeon's already in the tub, her eyes closed as she rests her head against the wall behind her.

Sana gives herself a minute to just look, her eyes sweeping over Nayeon's profile and the dip of her clavicles, trailing dangerously downwards where the water laps gently against the top of Nayeon's chest with every breath she takes. 

Swallowing hard to calm her own racing heart, Sana approaches quietly and sits on the edge of the tub. Nayeon's eyes drift open only when Sana reaches over to brush her fringe off the side of her face tenderly.

"Scoot over," Sana tells her, voice pitched low when Nayeon continues to stare up at her from underneath pretty eyelashes. 

Sana averts her eyes when Nayeon complies, shifting forwards in the tub to make room for Sana. Still keeping her gaze focused on the wall opposite her, Sana wordlessly holds out a glass of wine. She tries desperately not to react when Nayeon's hand brushes against hers to take the glass away.

Getting up, Sana turns away and begins to strip. She can feel the burn of Nayeon's stare; knows that Nayeon is openly watching her every move. Sana takes her time, folding her clothes perfectly and placing them neatly on the counter. Only her trembling fingers betray how flustered she actually is. She knows Nayeon notices because there's a low chuckle from somewhere behind her that's making her a little weak in the knees.

It's all sorts of ridiculous because they're taking a  _bath_  together. Of course, they're both going to be  _naked_  so why the hell is she so incredibly flustered? 

There's a loaded pause as she turns around and meets Nayeon's eye, catching the hint of a smirk tugging on Nayeon's lips. 

"Stop it," Sana chides as she slips into the tub too. 

There's another low chuckle before Nayeon shifts and then she's carefully settling back against Sana's chest. It's uncomfortable only for a second then they both adjust and Sana can't help the way she relaxes automatically.

She feels Nayeon sink bonelessly against her and smiles to herself at the small contented exhale Nayeon lets out. 

"Are you going to fall asleep on me?"

"No," Nayeon replies, but she sounds a little sleep-drunk anyway. 

Sana hums and breathes in the faint note of citrus and magnolia from Nayeon's favourite perfume. She can't help the way her eyes slip close at the familiar scent and then wonders what else about Nayeon remains unchanged even though they're very clearly different people from who they were 5 years ago. 

"Stop thinking so much," Nayeon murmurs then there's a glass of wine pressed against her lips. "Here, drink."

Sana gives in easily, taking a long sip of wine and neglecting to mention how she has her own glass sitting by the side of the tub. They stay like that for a while; Nayeon leaning comfortably against Sana's chest, occasionally raising the glass of wine in her hand to Sana's lips. 

It's easy and comfortable, and the single most relaxing thing Sana has experienced in a long long time. So she just lives in the moment, and does her best to enjoy it while it lasts.

 

 

 

"Thank you," Nayeon says with a tiny, bashful smile when they're both out of the tub and wrapped up in the fluffiest towels Sana could find.

"It's my pleasure, baby," Sana replies with a gentle smile of her own and there it is again, the way Nayeon's breath catches ever so slightly at the nickname.

She watches as Nayeon hesitates for the briefest of seconds then blurts out all at once, "Can I kiss you, Sana-yah?"

Sana blinks then looks at Nayeon carefully; takes in the way she has her eyes lowered and the red brushing across her cheeks. "You don't have to ask - "

"Yes, I do," Nayeon corrects her gently, lifting her gaze and holding Sana's own. "Because - this is - we're starting over. And we've been taking it slow. So I'm going to ask and you - you have to tell me what you're okay with."

Sana feels her chest flip at that little admission of renewed commitment from Nayeon and then points out in an equally gentle tone, "Nayeon, we just took a  _bath_  together. Naked. So, yes, you can kiss me." 

She bites down on the rest of her sentence, which is basically  _please/of course/always/whenever_ , all of which are confessions neither of them are quite ready for. Not yet. 

It takes Nayeon another moment, and when her hand reaches for Sana's cheek, it's trembling slightly. Still, she shifts closer, tips her forehead against Sana's own for a second before pressing their lips together. 

It's so different from that time Sana kissed her in Nayeon's living room when they were both desperate and caught up in years of longing. And it's not quite like the soft kiss they shared in Nayeon's kitchen when they'd needed reassurance from each other that they're willing to try again. 

Now, they're just trading slow and easy kisses that taste like wine and new beginnings. Sana feels a slow, steady burn start low in her gut, at the way Nayeon's other hand comes up to cup the back of Sana's neck, fingers tangling on her hair and pulling gently. 

When they break apart to breathe, it's almost as if Nayeon wants to say something, but then her eyes just search Sana's face before she leans in and kisses Sana again. 

The kisses don't change and Sana allows Nayeon to take the lead, to guide them both into a slow and gentle friction that feels like it's them reconnecting in a way that's familiar and new at the same time. 

Nayeon pulls away again and shifts, trailing her lips down Sana's jaw until her cheek meets Sana's clavicle. She stays like that for a long moment, seemingly content to have Sana hold her and breathing Sana in. 

"I like this. Slow, like this. It's - do you like it?"

Sana hums into Nayeon's hair, rubbing soothing circles on the small of Nayeon's back. She smiles when Nayeon melts into the touch. 

"Yes," she whispers, just before she tilts Nayeon's face up and captures her lips once again.  

 

 

 

They spend the rest of the night cuddled underneath the covers, watching that drama Sana had meant to watch before Nayeon rang her doorbell. 

Nayeon's a warm weight against her side which makes up for how annoying it is that she cannot keep herself from commenting on the drama unfolding on screen  _before_  it even happens, spoiling almost every other scene for Sana.

It's a compromise Sana is more than willing to make; having Nayeon here with her is a hundred times better than watching any drama anyway. 

Later, when Nayeon finally leaves, she doesn't hesitate at all before giving Sana a tender goodbye kiss, tucked in between the promise of lunch the next day. 

 

 

 

Sana heaves a deep breath, leaning back against her seat, as the meeting comes to an end. It had gone on for much longer than she had liked, and she hates how she still has to fight hard to get her way even though management has significantly loosened their reins on her quite a fair bit since the successful run of the musical. 

"I'll see you for the interview later?" her manager asks, just as she gets up to leave. 

Sana just nods and is grateful when he lets her go without another word, having worked with her for long enough to know when she's in one of her moods and just needs some time alone.

She heads straight for the nearest hidden stairwell at the end of the corridor, the one she knows no one uses. Sinking down onto the steps, she just breathes for a while then takes out her phone and dials Nayeon's number before she can think twice about it. She figures that with all that's been happening between them lately, it's not exactly out of the ordinary for her to call Nayeon out of the blue.

There's always the chance that Nayeon's in surgery or simply too busy to answer her phone so she's a little surprised when Nayeon answers on the third ring.

"Hey, sunshine," Nayeon greets cheerfully, without really looking at the screen, attention on something to her left that Sana can't see.

Sana doesn't say anything; is too busy staring numbly at the screen because Nayeon hasn't called her that in years and it's just - 

"Sunshine?" Nayeon repeats after a few more beats of silence and she's squinting at the screen now, peering over her black-rimmed glasses with some concern. 

Sana lets out a tiny helpless noise when she hears the nickname again and the concern in Nayeon's eyes clear immediately. 

There's a glimmer of amusement dancing in her eyes now as she smiles softly at Sana. "You're going to have to say something,  _sunshine_ , so I know you're okay."

"I'm - " Sana tries, then takes a deep steadying breath and then another. 

"What? If you can call  _me_  baby, why can't I call you sunshine," Nayeon says matter-of-factly then grins lopsidedly when Sana flushes.

"You've got to stop," Sana manages to say weakly. "I can't take you calling me that so many times in a row when I haven't heard it in years."

Nayeon's smile sobers at that but her eyes remain soft as she holds Sana's gaze. "You okay?"

Sana sighs, running a hand through her hair distractedly. "Just had an exhausting meeting with management."

Nayeon makes a sympathetic noise at the back of her throat and then flashes Sana a bunny-toothed smile. "Well, I have just the thing here to cheer you up."

The screen shakes wildly for a second before it refocuses on a little girl in an oversized hospital gown, smiling widely at her. Sana is confused for a second before she hears Nayeon's voice counting down in the background.

The girl - Lily Kim, Sana reads from the tag above her bed - breaks out into song immediately. Sana feels a smile blossom onto her own face then widen uncontrollably when she recognises the song as one from the musical she acted in not too long ago. 

Lily is horribly off-key but endearingly enthusiastic, and Sana's heart squeezes when she hears Nayeon harmonising in the background. 

She's laughing by the time the song ends and Lily flashes her a cheeky peace sign. Sana blows her a kiss in return and then blows another one when Nayeon appears back on screen. 

"Did you really teach your four-year-old patient how to sing a song from my musical?" 

Nayeon grins, looking more than a little proud at herself for clearly succeeding in cheering Sana up. "It's a good song. And a good distraction for when I have to poke and prod them with needles or check on their incisions."

"Lily here," she continues, aiming a soft smile in Lily's direction which makes Sana swoon just a little. "is a fantastic learner."

"Are you sure it's not because you're my secret number one fan and love my songs too much?" Sana teases, her lips quirking when Nayeon narrows her eyes in a completely ineffective attempt at a glare.

"Thank you," Sana continues, seriously this time, and watches as the glare dissolves, until Nayeon's eyes crinkle at her. 

Before Sana can add on anything else however, a pager goes off and Nayeon winces visibly. "Sorry - "

"Go," Sana interrupts before Nayeon can continue the rest of her sentence. "I'll call you later?"

"Sure thing," Nayeon agrees easily and disappears from view but not before Sana catches Lily's tiny voice in the background. 

"She's pretty! Is she your girlfriend, Dr Im?"

Sana promptly fumbles and drops her phone before she manages to catch Nayeon's answer. By the time she picks it up again, Nayeon's already long gone and there's only the rapid-fire beating of her own heart for company. 

 

 

 

Sana is all smiles by the time she settles into her seat, opposite the interviewer, a perfectly poised woman around her own age. 

"Thank you for taking the time to meet me today, Sana-ssi," the interviewer says with an easy, practiced smile. 

"The pleasure's all mine," Sana replies genuinely, then leans back in her seat as the interview begins.

She answers all the basic questions with ease, rattling off her favourite colour, hobbies and food with enough authenticity to not make it sound too memorised or impersonal. 

When the conversation segues into her recent musical, Sana's composure slips a little because what immediately swims to her front of her mind is that first glimpse of Nayeon backstage. Then, like a movie reel, moments between them ever since that fateful meeting, loops in her mind, ending with the crinkle in Nayeon's eyes from just hours earlier, brimming with obvious affection even through her phone screen. 

"Sana-ssi?"

Sana blinks and refocuses her attention with some difficulty on the woman before her who's gazing at her expectantly. She hitches on the most charming smile she can manage and launches into a heartfelt answer. She shares some funny anecdotes from behind the scenes too, to make up for her obvious loss of concentration halfway through the interview.

Still, Nayeon's brilliant smile lingers at the corner of her mind and it's only after the interview is long over that Sana realises she recognises the feeling taking root somewhere deep in her chest; is well-versed with falling head over heels in love with Im Nayeon. 

Or maybe, she's just never learnt how to fall out of love with Nayeon in the first place. 

 

 

 

Their first dinner get-together with all six of them present, takes a massive amount of coordination and working around everyone's schedules. Since she's technically the only one in between jobs for the time being, Sana takes it upon herself to find a date where no surgeries overlap with studio recordings or dance rehearsals. 

When the day finally arrives though, their dinner is forced to turn into a late supper at a small 24-hour diner near the hospital. It's no one's fault really, not when there was a massive 8-car pile-up on the nearby highway that same afternoon, and all the doctors among them were understandably held back.

Nayeon is the last of them to turn up, looking exhausted, with bags under her eyes and her hair up in a messy bun.

Still, her eyes light up the moment they land on Sana and she walks purposely over to the empty seat Sana had saved for her, ignoring everyone else in favour of pressing a quick kiss to Sana's cheek. 

Sana glowers when four pairs of eyes fixate on both of them; ranging from smug to quietly amused to downright mischievous. She's about to open her mouth to tell all of them to  _mind their own goddamn business_ , when Nayeon's hand lands on her thigh and squeezes. 

"Shall we order?" Nayeon says pointedly, using her serious, no-nonsense voice, as she peruses the menu before her. 

Sana swallows down the smile threatening to break out over her face when everyone else complies immediately. It usually doesn't count for much since Nayeon's the oldest by only a few months (or weeks in the case of Jeongyeon and Momo), but when Nayeon uses  _that_  voice, no one really dares to defy her. Even if she's normally at the bottom of the power ranking among the six of them. 

Throughout the rest of the supper, Sana has to summon all of her concentration to focus on the conversation that unfolds, doing her level best to ignore Nayeon's hand, now tracing circles just above Sana's knee. 

 

 

 

When Nayeon excuses herself to go to the washroom, Sana is once again the focus of everyone's attention. 

Sana sighs and puts down her chopsticks in resignation. "It's not what it looks like, okay? We're still - we're  _not_  together."

"But you're not  _not_  together?" Momo quips with a perfectly raised eyebrow. 

"It's - it's  _complicated_ , okay," Sana replies, chewing on her bottom lip. 

"Last I checked, you guys were human beings, not a Facebook status," Jeongyeon snipes, then shoots Sana a semi-apologetic look when Mina elbows her hard in the ribs. 

Sana opens her mouth to retort but Mina jumps in smoothly, ever one to keep the peace. "Nothing about that looks complicated at all, Satang."

"Well," Jihyo chimes in, setting down her empty shot glass of soju after draining it. "At some point, both of you are going to have to pull your heads out of your asses and just accept that you  _are_  together. That's what a  _relationship_  looks like, in case you've already forgotten."

Sana sighs again then just deliberately picks up her chopsticks and continues picking at the plate of Tteokbokki in front of her, signalling the end of the conversation. For once, she's thankful that none of her friends are in a particularly pushy mood tonight and the subject is dropped promptly.

Still, when Nayeon fails to return from the washroom after another five minutes, all of them shoot her knowing looks anyway, as Sana gets up from her seat and mumbles something about checking that Nayeon's okay. 

 

 

 

She's greeted with the sight of Nayeon pacing up and down the small dimly-lit washroom when she pushes the door open. 

Nayeon is firing a rapid-fire stream of instructions at someone over the phone; one of her residents apparently. 

Sana waits patiently, opting to lean against the wall and watch Nayeon in her element; her voice calm and steady despite the fact that it's clearly an emergency and she's not there to handle it herself. 

When she judges that Nayeon's about to end her call, Sana steps forward and wraps herself around Nayeon from behind, tucking her chin on Nayeon's shoulder. 

Nayeon tenses then relaxes visibly within the same breath, and leans a little more into Sana's embrace. She hangs up the phone with a sigh then tucks it back into her pocket. 

"You okay, baby?" Sana murmurs, nosing against the crook of Nayeon's neck and using her free hand to rub soothingly up and down Nayeon's arm.

There's a soft exhale and then Nayeon turns around in Sana's arms and closes the space between them, kissing Sana long and hard.

She sucks a little on Sana's bottom lip before she pulls away and smiles, heart-breakingly beautiful and Sana tries valiantly not to melt or swoon too much. 

She fails spectacularly when the next words out of Nayeon's mouth is a quiet, "I am now. Right here, with you."

Nayeon's eyes twinkle, as though she knows exactly what effect her words have on Sana. 

"Don't worry, it's all good. My Yem Yem-ie has got it all under control."

_That_  sobers Sana up instantly and she can't help the tiny frown that immediately creases her brow. The words come flying out of her mouth before she's able to think them through properly. "Is that a thing you do? Giving all your residents such... affectionate nicknames?"

Nayeon's gaze flutters upwards from where she had been staring at Sana's lips and she blinks once, twice, then her mouth quirks like she's trying hard to suppress a grin. 

"Yem Yem-ie -  _Yerim_  - was my junior in med school. We go way back."

"I've  _never_  heard of her," Sana points out and there's a petulant edge to her voice that she can't seem to hold back. "I don't recall you ever mentioning her before."

She's aware that she's frowning openly now, bordering on scowling really, and if she were not currently seized with an irrational possessiveness, she would have found her reaction extremely embarrassing. 

Nayeon takes her by surprise, chuckling softly before leaning in again and stealing Sana's breath away with a bruising kiss.

"You're cute when you're jealous," she grins when she pulls away and Sana is all flushed and breathless. 

"Shut up," Sana manages to say after a moment of trying to catch her breath. "And kiss me again."

Nayeon acquiesces almost immediately, and Sana drowns, feeling the edges of Nayeon's smile press against her own lips. 

 

 

 

The sun is barely up when Sana enters the glass doors of the hospital. There's hardly anyone in sight as she makes her way to the Surgeon's Lounge, praying that they haven't shifted it in the years since she's visited the hospital. 

She takes a couple of wrong turns before she finally finds it, squealing to herself in triumph. Her hand closes around the door knob and she's just about to enter the room when someone calls her name loudly. 

Sana yelps in an entirely undignified manner and jumps three feet in the air. She very nearly drops the coffee cup and takeaway bag in her hands. 

She whirls around, and sees Jihyo walking towards her. Sana relaxes and tries her best to breathe, even though her heart is still racing slightly. 

"What are you doing here so early?" Jihyo asks, tilting her head at Sana in confusion. 

"I'm -" Sana begins then just huffs when Jihyo suddenly grins knowingly, having put two and two together.

"Awfully early to go out of your way to get breakfast," Jihyo comments lightly, glancing at the coffee and takeaway bag in Sana's hands.

Anyone who's known Nayeon long enough will know that she is especially fond of the coffee and freshly baked cream cheese bagels from this small nondescript 24-hour cafe somewhere near the Petite France village in Gapyeong . The very same cafe that Sana visited early this morning before making her way to the hospital. 

Sana huffs again. "If I give you one of the bagels, will you promise to not mention anything and ruin the surprise for Nayeon?"

Jihyo laughs, a bright toothy laugh that echoes throughout the otherwise silent corridor. She chuckles when Sana shushes her, because Jihyo is too  _loud_  for this early in the morning. 

"You know I hate bagels, Sana-yah," Jihyo tells her, rubbing the tears of mirth away from her eyes.

"Well, go on then," she continues, nodding her head towards the door. "Her locker's the third one from the left."

Sana mumbles a quick thank you before she pushes the door open and heads straight for Nayeon's locker. She senses rather than sees Jihyo following behind her, quietly watching as Sana carefully puts the coffee and bagels in place.

When she's satisfied with how they look, she takes out the note she's written and sets it on top of the coffee cup. 

Jihyo's eyes are soft when Sana finally turns around again. For some strange reason, there's a lump that forms in Sana's throat at the gentle look Jihyo is directing at her.

"I cannot tell you how  _happy_  I am that both of you are happy again."

Sana swallows and there are a million things she could say in reply; maybe how grateful she is that her friends have always been their greatest supporters, or how grateful she is for second chances. 

What comes out instead is a quiet admission that's been aching to break free from her chest for days now. "I love her. I don't think I've ever stopped loving her."

Jihyo tilts her head and impossibly, her smile grows even softer. "I know."

They're interrupted by the sound of the door opening and turn in unison to see Mina staring at them from the threshold, clearly puzzled at seeing both of them. They watch as Mina shuffles to her own locker and begins putting away her things. 

"Any particular reason why both of you are here before the sun's even up?" she asks mildly. "I know you're not due for surgery until this afternoon, Jihyo-yah. And Satang, you don't even work here."

Before Sana can reply and attempt to explain herself, Jihyo beats her to it. 

"Sana's trying to win the best girlfriend award," she says cheekily, deftly side-stepping when Sana reaches out to smack her shoulder.

Mina hums in understanding and there's an equally amused look in her eyes when she turns to Sana. "Well, for driving 45 minutes to Gapyeong at the crack of dawn, you'll definitely win it. No doubt about it."

Sana feels like strangling both of them. Or strangling all of her friends really, because there's only so much teasing she can take. And it's making her imagine a whole elaborate future with Nayeon - years and years together - and they're not quite at that stage. Not yet at least.

"If you two are  _quite done_ ," Sana half-snaps, turning on her heels and sort of stomping towards the door. "I'm leaving." 

She pointedly ignores the soft chuckles that accompany her out of the door.

 

 

 

Her phone beeps just as she rounds the corner and Sana doesn't waste any time opening up the message.

**Im Nayeon:** Morning, my sunshine :) You're probably still in lala land, dreaming of me I hope :D  Text me when you're up, okay?

Sana flushes a little because it hits a little too close to home; she hasn't really stopped dreaming about Nayeon, not even now when there's longer bitter longing and regret driving the dreams. 

The spark of warmth in her chest grows into a wildfire when she realises that texting Sana good morning is quite literally one of the first things Nayeon does the moment she wakes up. 

She's absorbed in typing back a reply that she's not quite paying attention to her surroundings. Something warm and hard crashes right into her and Sana stumbles. She would have fallen right onto her ass if not for the strong arm that shoots out and steadies her.

Taking a deep breath, Sana lifts her gaze, about to apologise profusely, when she notices the stitched name over the white coat the girl is wearing.

"Yem Yem-ie?"

The girl,  _Yerim_ , takes a step back and allows Sana to straighten herself. There's a harsh crease in between Yerim's brow, a stark contrast to the muted blonde tendrils that frame her face, fading into waves of soft pastel pink over her shoulders.

Yerim tilts her head slightly and peers at Sana carefully, studying Sana's face before she lets out a little squeal of recognition. 

"Sana unnie!" Yerim exclaims, taking Sana by surprise at how warm her voice is. It's Sana's turn to be a little wrong-footed when Yerim reaches for Sana's hand and squeezes earnestly. "It's so good to  _finally_  meet you."

"Nayeon unnie talks about you  _all_  the time," she continues before Sana can get a word in edgewise. "Even back when we were in med school. We should go out for dinner together, unnie."

Sana blinks when Yerim stares expectantly at her, and Sana can't find it in her to say no to that face, so she just smiles. 

"Of course, we can Yerimmie," she says, smile widening when Yerim grins and squeezes Sana's hand excitedly. 

They're interrupted by Yerim's pager and the younger girl sets off running but not before throwing her arms around Sana in a brief hug. 

"See you soon, unnie!" she calls out over her shoulder, just before she disappears around the corridor, skidding slightly on the waxed parquet floor.

Sana bursts into laughter at the sight. Yerim somehow reminds her of Nayeon a lot; they have the same bright personality and resembles Squirtle far too much. It's no wonder they're so close to each other.

Sana likes her a lot already and can tell that she'd have no problems getting along perfectly well with Yerim. As she exits the glass doors of the hospital, she reminds herself to tell Nayeon off for not introducing her to Yerim sooner. 

 

 

 

The sky is a little overcast when Sana gets out of her car. The parking lot is mostly empty; even after her stop at the hospital not too long ago, it's still a little too early for people to start visiting. 

Sana takes a deep breath of cold wintry air, and opens the passenger door of her car to retrieve the bouquet of purple orchids on the seat. She cradles the bouquet carefully and makes her way slowly up the marble steps. 

Her heart grows heavier with every step she takes and by the time she reaches her destination, Sana  _aches_ , and there are tears threatening to spill down her cheeks.

"Hi, Papa," she breathes, resting her fingers over the glass that protects his urn and portrait. 

She places the orchids - her dad's favourite flowers - into the hanging vase on the wall carefully and then tries her very best to smile for him. 

"I just - I just wanted to see you," she whispers, brushing away the stray tear that falls down her cheek. "I miss you.  _So much_. "

There are so many things that Sana wants to say; about how she and Nayeon have found each other again, about how she's happier than she's ever remembered being in a long long time.

But no words come to her so she just stands there, in front of her father's ashes, for a long moment.

She figures he already knows everything she wants to say anyway. She can only hope that he's proud of her for fixing things with Nayeon, the person he has always trusted the most when it comes to taking care of his only daughter. 

 

 

 

It's almost noon by the time Sana makes the long drive back home from the columbarium.

She purposely chooses a route that will take her past the hospital. It's a little silly how she simply desires to drive past a  _building_  Nayeon is currently in. It's not like Nayeon will even know she's passing by. But then again, when it comes to Nayeon, Sana has long since passed the point of caring. 

At a red light three blocks away from the hospital, Sana reaches for her phone and scrolls through it to find the selfie Nayeon sent her earlier; a shot of her with the coffee cup pressed to her cheek, with a smile so wide her eyes turn into crescent-shaped moons. 

Sana is too absorbed in memorising the contours of Nayeon's smile to register the loud screeching of tires. 

When she looks up, it's already too late.

There's a split second before the truck rams right into the side of her car.

Sana's head smacks hard against the window. There's blood at the back of her throat and her vision is blurring. Every breath seems to take too much effort and it  _hurts_.

Somehow, through the haze of blinding pain, Sana registers how her phone is still clutched in her hand. 

Nayeon's smile is the last thing she sees before her eyes slip close and everything fades away.

 

 


	6. interlude: the heart of the matter (i)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have given up on being surprised anymore at how long this chapter ended up becoming.
> 
> In any case, I'm really sorry for the long wait between updates. Before you read on, just two very important things:
> 
> 1\. This chapter and the next two are part of an interlude that explores the past. I promise we'll get around to last chapter's cliffhanger after the interlude. Hang in there!
> 
> 2\. This chapter has a **trigger warning**. It directly references the time [Nayeon saved Sana](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkOYjlxJOCk) from almost drowning.

 

 

It's the first day of school and Nayeon, just like all the other eager first-graders, is engrossed in a game of tag with her friends. She had been more than a little upset earlier when she found out that she's the only one in a different class. She'd spent the first three periods sulking by herself in a corner of her classroom until they're let out for recess and she steps outside only to see Jeongyeon and Jihyo waiting for her with matching toothy grins.

Nayeon weaves through the other kids, in hot pursuit of a laughing Jeongyeon, who has the unfair advantage of longer legs. She dodges past two boys wrestling on the ground and then trips over a pair of splayed legs, clad in bright pink sneakers.

Nayeon stumbles but manages to catch herself just in time. She turns furiously to the owner of pink sneakers, but the indignant scowl on her face melts away when she registers that the girl before her is  _crying_ , tears spilling over her chubby cheeks. 

She pauses and bites her lip as she tries to decide what to do. Underneath the mess of tears and snot, Nayeon vaguely recognises the girl as one of her new classmates; dimly recalls bright eyes peering curiously at her when Nayeon was sulking in self-imposed time-out. 

After another brief second of hesitation, Nayeon approaches the crying girl and crouches down carefully. She winces when she notices the angry red scrapes on the girl's knees, bloody and painful looking. The girl must have tripped and scrapped her knee on the rough gravel. 

Nayeon quickly removes the bandana her mum had tied around her hair in the morning and tries her best to dab at the blood. The girl only cries harder, almost wailing hysterically now and Nayeon hastily apologises. Not that the girl even hears it.

"Don't cry!" Nayeon half-yells but she's only met with more ugly sobs so Nayeon does the next best thing she can think of. 

She begins humming  _You Are My Sunshine_  then starts softly singing, increasing in volume with every word until the girl notices and stops wailing, blinking blearily at Nayeon instead. Nayeon puts on her best heart-shaped smile and continues singing, holding the girl's gaze. Her sobs have tapered off into occasional sniffles now and Nayeon is relieved.

"Don't cry," Nayeon repeats when she ends the song, softer this time. She reaches over and cups the girl's reddened cheeks, using her thumb to brush away lingering tears. 

"It's okay, see? No more bleeding," Nayeon lifts her now blood-stained bandana and shows the girl who only hiccups, bottom lip trembling.

"Thank - Thank you," the girl croaks out and her eyes are shining brightly again, even if they're a little red and swollen from all the crying.

"You're welcome, sunshine," Nayeon's smile widens when the girl lets out a bashful giggle at the nickname. 

There's a spark of pride flickering in Nayeon's chest at having managed to make the girl smile. She holds out her hand and helps the girl to her feet. They hobble together to find a teacher and Nayeon doesn't complain, not even when the girl squeezes her arm a little too tightly and leans on her a little too much for support along the way.

 

 

The next morning, Nayeon learns that the girl's name is Sana, when she finds a carefully written note and a bag of Hershey's Kisses in her cubby hole. 

Nayeon looks over her shoulder to search the classroom until her eyes land on Sana. Sana smiles brightly back at her, and blows Nayeon a kiss.

Nayeon turns away, smiling to herself as she puts the note and Kisses into her backpack. She thinks that sunshine seems to be a perfect nickname for Sana who looks so sunny, like she's  _glowing_ , despite the large white bandaids covering her knees.

 

 

They don't really become close friends even after all that. They're seated on opposite ends of the classroom and during recess, Nayeon is too busy running around with Jeongyeon and Jihyo while Sana spends all of her time with a girl from another class that reminds Nayeon of a hamster; her cheeks always seem to be stuffed full of snacks. 

It all changes half-way through the school year, right after their term break.

 

 

The authorities classified it as a minor car crash. There was no loss of life, and the rest of her family had walked away relatively unscathed. Only Nayeon suffered - her left leg fracturing in three different places from the impact of the other vehicle crashing straight into her side of the car. 

The doctors tell her parents that Nayeon will make a full recovery; she won't be robbed of her ability to walk or run, and even though her left leg will always be weaker, Nayeon is young enough to learn how to shift her balance and compensate for it. 

Still, Nayeon spends four days in the high-dependency paediatric ward, drifting in and out of a drug-induced sleep. 

On the fifth day, she wakes up disoriented and is even more confused to see Sana sitting by her bedside. Sana's chubby cheeks are tinged red, like as though she'd been crying and Nayeon can't quite piece together why Sana is here.

She makes a noise at the back of her throat and Sana's head snaps towards her immediately. 

"Nayeonnie," Sana says, and it all sounds strangely muffled to Nayeon but she tries for a smile anyway because Sana looks like she's about to burst into tears again. "Does it hurt?"

Nayeon swallows and only manages a nod. Sana's lips quiver and Nayeon wants to reassure her but her eyelids are growing heavier again. Nayeon tries to fight the drowsiness but she's so  _tired_  and it takes too much energy so she just gives up, letting the sleep consume her.

 

 

It's almost 2 months later when Nayeon returns to school. There's no longer a stifling cast binding her entire leg but the metal plates and screws beneath her skin will remain until her bones have properly healed. 

Nayeon is surprised to see Sana sandwiched in between Jeongyeon and Jihyo when her mum's car pulls up to the school's foyer. Sana immediately offers her arm for Nayeon to hold on to as they make their way slowly to the classroom, Jeongyeon and Jihyo trailing behind them with Nayeon's backpack and lunchbox.

She's even more surprised when Sana plops down into a seat right beside her, instead of at the other end of the classroom. Nayeon doesn't question it though when Sana turns to her with her usual bright sunny smile and offers Nayeon the first pick from the box of crayons on the table. Then, she nudges a piece of paper in Nayeon's direction and picks up her own crayon. 

When the first bell finally rings and their teacher calls for attention, Sana gently pushes her completed drawing towards Nayeon with a bashful little smile.

"Present," Sana tells her, eyes twinkling. "For you."

It's a drawing of Nayeon with what looks like angel wings, flying over a multi-coloured rainbow. Nayeon takes it with a delighted squeal that makes Sana's eyes disappear into half-moon crescents. She keeps it carefully in her plastic binder and asks her mum to put it up on the fridge when she gets home that afternoon. 

She learns much later that Sana had insisted on switching seats; had badgered their teacher about it everyday without fail until she finally got her way.

 

 

They're barely past a week into the new school year when they get sent to the principal's office for the first time. 

Nayeon is considerably better now; no longer walking with a limp even though the ugly scars have yet to fade away completely. There are still metal screws holding her bones in place but they don't bother her or hurt much anymore and soon, her doctor says, Nayeon will be able to get rid of them forever.

They're sitting together in a heap underneath the shade of some trees, after school lets out. Nayeon is leaning against the tree trunk with her legs stretched out in front of her. Sana is pressed up against her side and animatedly telling Nayeon about the weekend she'd spent in Jeju with her parents. Jihyo is reading, eyes squinting slightly in the bright sunlight. Momo, whom Nayeon had finally been properly introduced to, has her head on Jihyo's lap, drowsy and close to dozing off. Jeongyeon is sprawled on her back beside them, absorbed in her Nintendo DS. 

It's the first Friday of the month, the designated playdate day, which means they're waiting for Jeongyeon's mum to pick all of them up and then swing by the private Japanese International School five blocks away to pick Mina up too. 

Nayeon can barely contain her excitement when she thinks of all the fun they're going to have later. After her accident months ago, the six of them had grown closer, despite the fact that Mina doesn't even go to the same school as the rest of them.

Her excitement is cut off abruptly when white hot pain shoots suddenly up her left leg, radiating upwards from her ankle. It  _hurts_  so badly that instant tears spring to Nayeon's eyes and she's crying out loud before she can stop herself. 

Through a haze of blinding pain and tears, Nayeon registers Sana pummelling her tiny fists all over Park Hyunwoo who had - in his haste to run after his friends - stepped on Nayeon's ankle, his entire body weight bearing down right over the spot where a metal screw is embedded into her bone. 

She dimly hears Jeongyeon murmuring soothingly, a protective arm around Nayeon's shoulders, as Nayeon tries to stifle her sobs. Momo and Jihyo are on their feet, trying to drag Sana away from Hyunwoo.

"Sana," Nayeon chokes out, gulping in large mouthfuls of air and forcing herself to swallow back her tears. Hyunwoo has begun to cry himself and Sana still doesn't show any signs of stopping. "Sana.  _Sunshine_."

It's only then that Sana looks up, gaze snapping to Nayeon's face. Her hair has come undone from its neat ponytail and there are angry blotches of red on her cheeks. Her eyes soften though when they meet Nayeon's watery ones and she's at Nayeon's side in a flash, shaking off Momo and Jihyo's hold on her.

"Are you okay?" she asks gently, crouching down on one knee and tilting her head in worry as she takes in the tear tracks on Nayeon's face and the way Nayeon's breath hitches.

Nayeon only manages a nod before Sana is dragged away to the principal's office by one of the teachers. Taking a deep breath, Nayeon turns pleading eyes to Jeongyeon who wordlessly helps her to her feet and then crouches down so that Nayeon can clamber up onto her back.

Jeongyeon piggybacks her all the way to the principal's office, with Jihyo and Momo trailing along behind them. Her leg still hurts but Nayeon insists on explaining the situation to Mrs. Choi, just so that Sana won't get punished too badly.

Later, when Nayeon asks Sana why she did it, Sana just frowns at Nayeon incredulously.

"Because he  _hurt_  you," she tells Nayeon matter-of-factly, in a tone that brokered no further argument.

They never talk about it again, not even when Nayeon accompanies Sana in the timeout corner every day for the rest of the week.

 

 

Three months later, when Nayeon has to undergo day surgery to remove all the metal plates and screws, Sana is once again a fixture by Nayeon's bedside for the week she spends recovering at home. 

She drops by immediately after school, often with the other girls in tow, and stays long after everyone else leaves, only reluctantly leaving when her dad comes to pick her up after his shift ends.

Every time Sana has to leave, it's with a reassuring squeeze to Nayeon's hand and promises of seeing her again the next day.

 

 

By the time they're ten, the six of them are inseparable. So it's no real surprise to anyone that all Nayeon asks for when her birthday comes around is a sleepover with five of her most favourite people in the world. 

Her room is too small for all six of them so her dad pushes all the living room furniture to one side and then her mum lays futons all over the floor for them.

They spend the night attempting makeovers on each other while watching Disney movies then segue into a raucous dance party that's more laughter than actual dancing. By the time they're all huddled under the covers in the dark, Nayeon's heart feels like it's about to burst from how perfect it all was, and how  _happy_  she is.

She's sandwiched right in the middle, in between Sana and an already snoring Momo. Nayeon is just about to drift off to sleep herself when she feels a weight roll right on top of her.

Sana's hand comes up to cover her mouth, just before Nayeon manages to shriek in surprise. For some reason, her heart is racing a little faster and Nayeon can't really focus on anything except how Sana's eyes sparkle at her even in the semi-darkness. 

"Happy birthday, Nayeonnie," Sana grins down at her and Nayeon is suddenly seized with an intense affection for the girl before her who has grown to become one of her closest, bestest friends.

"You already wished me that, silly," Nayeon quips, using her hand to brush back Sana's bangs from falling over her sparkling eyes. 

Sana's grin morphs instantly into a smirk, and there's a satisfied triumphant look dancing all over her face. Nayeon knows why. Sana was gleeful about it the entire day; about how she had been the first to wish Nayeon  _Happy Birthday_ , had timed her wish perfectly at the stroke of midnight, even if she was forced to say it over the phone instead of in person. 

Nayeon rolls her eyes and nudges at Sana's side with her elbow. Sana whines but stays stubbornly in place, refusing to move. 

There's a beat as they just stare at each other, Nayeon's heart thudding loudly in her ears.

"I want to be the first and the last to wish you," Sana finally tells her quietly and her smirk has sobered into one of the softest smiles Nayeon has ever seen. 

Before she can reply, Sana leans down and presses a swift kiss to her cheek then rolls off Nayeon and settles back on her own pillow. 

It's nothing new. Sana has always been affectionate; always quick to offer kisses to anyone she's close to, whether they want her to or not. 

Still, Nayeon feels her cheeks burn and her stomach swoops uncomfortably, like the feeling she gets on a roller coaster. She shakes it off and turns on her side so she can snuggle up against Sana's back, who only hums sleepily in return. 

Nayeon spends the last seconds of her tenth birthday breathing in the smell of Sana's shampoo, and wishing with all her heart for more perfect birthdays, just like this one.

 

 

Nayeon gets her wish and enjoys another birthday just as perfect as her tenth one. And then everything starts falling apart, just before she turns twelve.

 

 

It's raining heavily, one of the worst thunderstorms in months, and Nayeon is soaked to the bone, teeth chattering uncontrollably as she stands in front of the Minatozakis' front door and waits for someone to answer it. 

There's a part of her that doesn't quite understand how she ended up here, in front of Sana's door, when Jeongyeon lives just around the corner from her. Nayeon's feet had taken her here almost on auto-pilot and by the time she registers where she is, she's already in the elevator heading up to Sana's floor. 

"Nayeon?" Sana's dad takes in Nayeon's shaky breathing and the way she's trembling from the cold, and yells over his shoulder for his wife.

He ushers Nayeon inside, his arm a warm weight around her shoulders, and settles her onto the sofa before rushing off to get some towels. Mrs. Minatozaki appears in the living room in her nightdress, eyes tempered with concern the moment she sees Nayeon. Sana is nowhere to be seen but it's past midnight and Nayeon knows Sana had gone to bed early tonight, still nursing a mild flu she caught from Mina the other day. 

She's turning twelve in 2 weeks and it's not how Nayeon thought the lead-up to her birthday would be like - bundled up in towels and a warm blanket on the Minatozakis' sofa. She's grateful that Sana's parents don't comment on her sudden appearance in their home so late at night even though Nayeon can see the questions burning clearly in their eyes. Instead, they just make her hot chocolate and sits with her as she finishes it. 

"We'll set up the extra bed for you in Sana's room, sweetie," Sana's mum says as her fingers work gently through the tangles in Nayeon's damp hair. 

Nayeon takes another sip from the mug in her hands and shakes her head in reply. She doesn't want to wake Sana up - Sana would insist on cuddling with Nayeon to make sure she's okay and Nayeon doesn't want Sana to miss out on her rest, especially not when she's sick.

In the end, after much convincing and protesting, Nayeon gets her way and both of Sana's parents help her settle on the sofa for the night. 

"Sweet dreams, Nayeonnie," Sana's dad smiles softly, even as his wife presses a gentle kiss to Nayeon's forehead.

It's the way they show such tender care for her that makes Nayeon feel like crying all over again.

 

 

Nayeon startles awake when a warm weight presses against her back, snuggling into the warmth of her blanket. 

It's still dark and Nayeon can barely see anything but then there's an arm around her waist, accompanied by the smallest of sniffles. 

"You shouldn't be awake, sunshine," Nayeon murmurs, even as she sinks further into Sana's embrace. 

Sana ignores her in favour of tangling her fingers with Nayeon's own and traces her thumb over Nayeon's knuckles soothingly. 

"Were they fighting again?"

Nayeon shudders before she can stop herself, swallowing hard as she recalls the vicious way her parents were screaming at each other; how they were so absorbed in their fight that they don't notice Nayeon slipping out the front door.

"It was -" Nayeon begins tremulously, feeling the sting of tears prickling the corners of her eyes. "It was bad, Sana. I think - when I go back tomorrow - my mum - I think she's not going to be there anymore." 

"It's okay," Sana soothes as Nayeon begins to cry. "It's going to be okay."

Nayeon knows nothing will ever be the same again but right now, with Sana a solid rock for her to hold on to, Nayeon believes her. As long as she has Sana, as long as she has her friends, Nayeon knows it will all be okay in the end. 

 

 

She wakes up a couple of hours later with a mouthful of Sana's hair and Sana's limbs thrown haphazardly over her. 

If it was anyone else, Nayeon would probably panic or feel suffocated but it's  _Sana_ , who has no real grasp of the concept of personal space and is affectionate even in her sleep. Besides, the sofa isn't exactly big enough for two people to comfortably sleep in. 

Carefully, she manages to untangle herself from Sana's warm hold. Sana doesn't even stir, just curls up further into the sofa. Nayeon tucks the blanket a little more securely around her then heads for the kitchen, following the smell of miso soup.

She stands uncertainly on the threshold when she reaches the kitchen, watching Sana's dad humming to himself as he stirs the soup in a large pot on the stove before turning to the table and starting to make onigiri with some animal-shaped moulds. 

"You wanna try make one too, Nayeonnie?" he offers without looking up from where he's decorating a puppy-shaped one. 

When Nayeon hesitates, he lifts his gaze and smiles reassuringly at her. He has the same sunny smile as Sana does and that, more than anything else, makes Nayeon step into the kitchen and take the rabbit-shaped mould he's holding out for her.

A minute later, a tiny pleased gasp escapes her throat when a perfectly shaped rabbit pops out onto the plate in front of her. 

Sana's dad hums for a moment then carefully adds eyes and an exaggerated toothy smile using some seaweed. 

"There," he says, in a voice as kind as the cheeky glint in his eyes. "Now it looks  _just_  like you."

Nayeon can't help the way a delighted toothy grin breaks out onto her face - the first time she's really smiled since slipping out of her front door yesterday.

He grins right back at her and then pushes the large bowl of rice and animal-moulds towards her.

By the time Sana finally wanders into the kitchen, blearily rubbing sleep from her eyes, Nayeon is laughing around the last bite of her onigiri at yet another silly joke Sana's dad is telling her.

 

 

Later, when it's time to head back to her own place, Nayeon isn't entirely surprised when Sana quietly puts on her shoes too. Sana doesn't say anything the entire time they're walking back, not even when Nayeon visibly tenses up with every step they take.

When they turn into Nayeon's apartment complex, there's a familiar figure waiting for them just outside Nayeon's lift lobby. 

Jeongyeon spots them immediately and hurries over in quick strides. Before Nayeon can blink, Jeongyeon has already pulled her into a tight hug, one hand cupped gently over the back of Nayeon's head. Sana must have called and told her what happened, knowing that Jeongyeon is the one other person who can make Nayeon feel better when she's upset.

Nayeon feels a familiar prickling in her eyes and tries her best to breathe through it. Jeongyeon lets her go after a moment but keeps a comforting hand on Nayeon's shoulder. 

"Whenever you're ready," Jeongyeon tells her softly, even as Sana holds out her hand, offering an anchor for Nayeon to latch on to. 

Nayeon walks into her home like that, sandwiched in between her friends and finding strength in the comfort they wordlessly offer.

They find her dad slumped in his armchair, head in his hands and bottles of soju at his feet. There's a stifling cloak of defeat and bitter resignation that seems to rest unforgivingly on his hunched shoulders.

When Nayeon calls for him, he lifts a harrowed gaze to meet her own pained one. Nayeon waits as he struggles to find words, all the while squeezing Sana's hand hard enough to hurt. After a long moment, he shifts his gaze to the wall behind Nayeon and takes another long sip of soju; it's not quite an apology and not quite an explanation either.

 

 

Even later, when Nayeon is sitting on the edge of her bed with puffy eyes and the occasional sniffle, she dimly registers urgent whispers from somewhere just outside her room. Nayeon rubs the back of her hand over her eyes tiredly, then blinks when someone gently tugs her hand away. Sana's face swims into blurry view. 

"Nayeonnie," she says, cupping Nayeon's cheek. Nayeon struggles to focus on what Sana is saying.

"I think we should give your dad some space. Come sleep over at mine for a few days, okay?"

Nayeon just nods numbly then allows Sana to pull her into a one-armed hug, resting her tear-stained cheek on Sana's collarbone. Sana keeps a protective hold on Nayeon, even as she carefully instructs Jeongyeon which of Nayeon's clothes to pack into her overnight bag.

 

 

Nayeon becomes more or less a semi-permanent fixture in Sana's home after that. The extra bed is set up in Sana's room and remains there until half of the room sort of becomes a catalogue of things that belongs to Nayeon.

Her dad gradually grows more and more emotionally distant, preferring to escape into his work rather than deal with Nayeon, a walking reminder of his failed marriage. They never speak about her mother again, and Nayeon does her best to take everything in stride. She doesn't really let herself wallow, not when her friends provide the best of distractions.

 

 

It's the last day of the summer holidays before they all start middle school. To make the most of their last day of freedom, as Jihyo and Jeongyeon have taken to calling it, all six of them head to Yeouido Park for a picnic.

Nayeon had imagined a pleasant afternoon lounging underneath some trees and taking in the scent of nature. Instead, she's perspiring excessively and trying not to melt in the blistering hot sun. The trees they've set up their mats under offer little protection and Nayeon finds herself scowling at the branches over her head. Like as though that would help. She has no idea how everyone else seems to be getting along just fine in the heat, and have even decided to go  _cycling_  of all things. 

A finger pokes her cheek and Nayeon turns to direct her scowl at Sana who only lifts an amused eyebrow at the ugly look on Nayeon's face.

"You're supposed to be having fun, Nayeonnie," Sana chides, poking Nayeon's cheek again.

"I'm too busy  _dying_  from the heat," Nayeon huffs impatiently, swatting Sana's hand away. 

Sana only rolls her eyes and fishes out a small battery-operated fan from her bag. She switches it on and hands it to Nayeon. "Here you go, princess."

"Thanks," Nayeon mumbles grudgingly, then lets her eyes drift close as she enjoys the relief the fan offers her. 

There's a low chuckle then Sana's hand comes up to wipe away the beads of perspiration on Nayeon's hairline. "I'm going to go cycling with the others. Try not to miss me too much while I'm gone, okay?"

Nayeon just grunts in reply as she waves Sana off, not bothering to open her eyes. She hears Sana shifting around and getting to her feet, then excitedly calling for Momo as she hurries off to the Bicycle Rental shop where the rest of their friends are. 

"Get a twin bicycle with Momo or one of the others!" Nayeon yells after her, opening her eyes with a jolt when she remembers that Sana's not allowed to ride a bicycle on her own after the last time she had a minor concussion from somehow flying over the handlebars. "And get protective gear!"

Nayeon sighs as Sana only turns back and waves at her, before happily skipping away.

 

 

"Nayeonnie."

Nayeon opens her eyes blearily, a little disoriented from having drifted off to sleep not long after the others went off to cycle.

She blinks, taking in the sight before her - Momo with a vaguely guilty pout on her face, as she hitches Sana further up her back. Sana's face is suspiciously flushed, half-buried in Momo's shoulder.

Nayeon's gaze trails downwards and she jolts upright, eyes widening when she registers the nasty bloodied scrapes on both of Sana's knees. 

"What happened?" Nayeon demands, even as she scrambles for her backpack and pulls out the first aid kit that she always carries with her - an unfortunate necessity given how clumsy and injury-prone Sana is. Nayeon motions for Momo to let Sana down and she does so gingerly, careful not to jostle Sana too much or hit her angry red wounds.

"What happened?" Nayeon repeats, turning a fierce eye to Momo who shrinks back slightly. 

"We were going too fast," Momo's voice is tiny and she's not quite meeting Nayeon's gaze. "Satang lost her balance."

Nayeon heaves a deep sigh, and directs her next words to Sana, who is still keeping her face partially hidden from view. 

"I  _told_ you to get protective gear."

"I'm sorry," Sana mumbles, finally lifting a watery gaze. Her lips are pressed together into a thin line in an effort to keep the unshed tears from falling. 

Nayeon softens at the sight and sighs again. She uses the tweezers she finds in the first aid kit to pick out the debris stuck to Sana's wound, wincing herself when Sana's lip wobbles dangerously. 

"Don't  _cry_ ," she murmurs, an echo of her words to Sana from when they first met years ago in the school playground, in a situation uncannily similar to the one they're in now. 

Sana sniffles, a tiny broken sound that Nayeon doesn't have the heart to hear again. So just like she did years ago, Nayeon begins humming  _You Are My Sunshine_ , singing softly under her breath to keep Sana distracted. Momo joins in after the second line, fingers tangled with Sana's in sympathy and solidarity. 

Between both of them, they manage to get Sana smiling again. By the end of Momo's horribly off-tune second solo rendition of the song, Sana's giggling, the pain from her skinned knees long forgotten. 

Nayeon chuckles at the sight and can't help but admire how pretty Sana looks as she's laughing out loud. She peels off the adhesive from the plasters in her hands and very carefully, secures them over Sana's now clean wounds.

"There you go," Nayeon presses a quick kiss over the plaster on each knee for good measure. "Be more careful next time, sunshine."

Sana's eyes crinkle when they meet Nayeon's gaze. She lets go of Momo's hand and scoots forward until she's pressed up against Nayeon's side with her legs draped over Nayeon's lap. Nayeon allows it, and doesn't say anything despite how unbearably hot it is and how sticky she feels all over. 

There's that familiar uncomfortable swooping feeling in her stomach when Sana presses a thank you to Nayeon's cheek. She doesn't have time to dwell on it though, not when Jihyo, Jeongyeon and Mina return and it's time for lunch.

 

 

"I already told you," 15-year-old Nayeon bristles when Sana turns up in the doorway of the room with a familiar wedding card in her hands. "I  _really_  don't want to talk about it, Sana."

Sana of course, ignores Nayeon, stepping right into the room and closing the door behind her so her parents can't hear them. Nayeon makes an annoyed noise at the back of her throat and slams her pencil down on top of her Algebra homework with more force than necessary. 

She has no idea why Sana keeps insisting on pushing all of her buttons when they've been arguing about this on and off for the past  _two weeks_. Sana is nothing if not relentless to a fault, always wearing people down until she gets her way. Coupled with her innate altruistic nature to be unconditionally supportive and empathetic, Sana often toes the line of being too invested and over-involved in the lives of those she cares about. Nayeon has never minded though because it makes Sana one of the best and most fiercely loyal friends she could have ever asked for.

Right now though, Nayeon  _hates_  this part of Sana, hates how her best friend just doesn't know how to draw the line or when to give up and back off. 

"Nayeon," Sana begins sternly, one hand cocked on her hip and an almost disappointed look on her face. "It's _your mother's wedding_. You're going to regret it if you don't go."

Nayeon scoffs. "If she really wanted me there, she should have called or turned up in person, not send a stupid card."

Sana sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose like as though she's trying her best to control her own temper and not match Nayeon's fiery tone. 

"You changed your number ages ago, Nayeon-ah," Sana tells her pointedly. "And you're never home. You spend more time here instead, especially after your dad got posted to Hong Kong. How else was she supposed to reach you?"

The truth in Sana's words only makes the anger simmering at the bottom of Nayeon's stomach boil over. 

"Well then, maybe she should have thought twice about  _leaving me behind_  in the first place," Nayeon snaps before she can stop herself. 

It's an ugly truth clouded over with bitter resentment, something Nayeon has been holding to herself for years now ever since she came home to find the ruins of her parents' marriage. She has never once expressed the sentiment out loud though and she can tell from the wide-eyed look on Sana's face that Sana is taken aback at the admission. 

Then, Sana's eyes soften and the hint of pity Nayeon sees reflected in them stings enough for her to clumsily push past Sana and run out of the house before Sana can say anything else.

 

 

Nayeon doesn't go very far. She ends up in the little park near Sana's estate, sitting on the swings morosely, all her anger having faded away not long after she left the house.

The sun has long set and there's only the sound of crickets to accompany her in the empty park. Nayeon is emotionally drained by now, yet not quite ready to head back and face Sana, not after her outburst earlier.

"You know, I've always found this exact spot the best when I need some time alone," a voice sounds from behind her.

Nayeon turns around, startled, before relaxing slightly when she realises it's only Sana's dad, peering at her with a piercing gaze over his black-rimmed glasses.

He takes a seat on the empty swing next to her and hums thoughtfully at the star-strewn sky above them. Nayeon watches him warily out of the corner of her eye, wondering if he's about to launch into a Sana-like tirade at her for running out of the house the way she did.

"When I was thirteen," he begins, keeping his gaze locked onto the stars. "My father had an affair. My mum found out and threw him out and that was the last I ever saw or heard from him in years." 

Nayeon turns to him in surprise. For all the mornings she's spent sharing inside jokes with him in the kitchen, they've never talked about anything quite this serious before.

A rueful smile breaks over his face when he meets Nayeon's eye. "I resented him for leaving. Hated him even more when I heard he remarried. Like it was that easy for him to throw away the family he already had and exchanged us for a newer, better version."

"Why - Why are you telling me this?"

There's a moment where he just holds her gaze, as though considering his next words very carefully. Then he lets out a weary sigh and turns back to look at the stars again. 

"A few years ago, I went back to Japan for a work trip. Bumped into my uncle. He told me my father had been looking for me for years. That he was in a hospice, that he was  _dying_  and his last wish was to see me. He gave me the address."

Sana's dad heaves another deep sigh before continuing. 

"I never went. Why would I when he had caused my mum and me so much pain?" He turns to look at Nayeon again, undercurrents of regret lining his face. "He died a week later. I thought I'd feel relieved when I heard. Thought I'd finally have closure. But... how can I when there are so many things left unresolved between us?"

Nayeon swallows around the sudden lump in her throat that had formed when she saw the deep anguish pooling behind his black-rimmed glasses. 

"I'm - I still don't understand - "

"Because you're like a  _daughter_  to me," he interrupts, voice heavy from the weight of all the sincerity that accompanies every word. "And I never want you to make the same mistake I did, Yeonnie-yah."

Nayeon takes a deep breath as her vision begins to blur dangerously, especially at the affectionate nickname he and Sana's mum have taken to calling her lately. 

"The wedding's tomorrow morning. I don't think there are trains or buses running now," Nayeon says in a tiny voice, staring down at her shoes. "I'll never make it to Busan in time."

"I'll drive you," he tells her simply.

"I don't have anything to wear."

"Sana and her mum have already packed a dress and some clothes for you. They're in the car."

"Mina has a ballet recital - "

"Which starts at 5 in the afternoon," He cuts in swiftly with a raised eyebrow, clearly seeing through all of Nayeon's weak attempts to find a valid excuse. "You'll be back long before that."

He holds out his hand and Nayeon sighs as she takes it, allowing him to pull her up from her swing and lead her to the car.

 

 

Hours later, they finally pull up outside the Hilton hotel in Busan. Nayeon gets out of the car uncertainly then just stands beside the passenger door, frozen in place.

Sana's dad waits patiently, Nayeon's dress and overnight bag draped over his arm, as Nayeon stares up at the hotel's facade, steeling herself. 

It takes a while before she finally finds the courage. She turns to him and takes her things. The dress feels too heavy in her arms and Nayeon sighs.

"It'll be okay, Yeonnie," he assures with a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I'll go find a motel to stay in and I'll pick you up after the wedding, okay?"

It makes Nayeon feel like crying all over again, the lengths he's going to because he genuinely cares for her, like as though she really is his own daughter.

Swallowing hard, Nayeon offers him a tiny smile.

"Thank you, Papa," she murmurs, and the weight she's been carrying around since the arrival of the wedding card seems to lift slightly at the pleasantly surprised look on his face.

"Don't mention it," he squeezes her shoulder reassuringly before sending her on her way.

 

 

They get stuck in a massive traffic jam on the way back to Seoul the next day. By the time they finally pull up to the recital hall, it's already past 5 o'clock. 

Papa chuckles, when they spot a familiar figure sitting on the stone steps, biting her nails anxiously. 

"Don't stay mad at her too long, okay?" he comments mildly, as Nayeon unbuckles her seatbelt. 

Nayeon lets out the softest of sighs. "I was never really mad at her in the first place."

Papa makes an assenting noise at the back of his throat, then waves her off with a grin.

Nayeon watches his car drive away for a second before walking slowly towards the recital hall steps. Sana still hasn't noticed her - too absorbed in checking her phone and biting her nails.

"Sunshine," Nayeon calls softly when she's at the bottom of the steps. She doesn't bother to hide her smile when Sana lifts a startled gaze then leaps to her feet.

In her haste to get to Nayeon, Sana trips over a missed step and Nayeon watches with mounting horror as her best friend tumbles down the rest of the steps and lands dramatically in a crumpled heap at the bottom.

 

 

"You did very well, Nayeon-ah," Dr. Park observes in his deep, reassuring voice as he wraps the last layer of fibreglass around Sana's cast. 

Nayeon only realises he's talking to her when Sana squeezes her hand. She spares a glance downwards, where Sana's good hand is tangled with hers. Nayeon was initially going to wait in the waiting room but Sana's frame kept trembling with tiny aftershocks of pain and anxiety - Sana hated the hospital, no matter how many times she's had to visit for various injuries. So Nayeon stayed, and tried her best to be a solid presence of comfort for Sana as Dr. Park treats her fractured wrist.

Sana squeezes Nayeon's hand again, and Nayeon blinks, remembering that she still hasn't said anything in reply. She flushes and lifts a sheepish gaze to meet Dr. Park's kind ones.

"I tried my best," she mumbles, cringing internally when she recalls the clumsy splint she had gingerly fixed onto Sana's broken wrist, all the while trying to keep her mounting panic from showing and sending Sana into even more distress. 

"You still did well," Dr. Park insists with a tiny smile. Then a thoughtful look passes over his face and he peers at Nayeon, looking suddenly serious. "You'll make a great doctor some day."

Nayeon blinks at that, taken by surprise because she's used to dealing with doctors and being around doctors, what with that old childhood accident, and all the times she's accompanied Sana to the emergency room. But she's never really thought about being a doctor herself. 

Seeing her slightly startled reaction, Dr. Park's smile turns kind. "You have a natural flair for it, I can tell. We have volunteer programmes if you're interested to get a feel for it."

"Thank you," Nayeon murmurs, not quite sure what else to say in reply.

Before she can struggle to think of something, there's a commotion in the corridor just outside and then the door to the treatment room gets flung wide open. Jihyo, Momo and Jeongyeon tumble inside in a cacophony of noise. Mina follows directly behind them, glittery stage makeup still on her face which wrinkles into a deep frown the moment her eyes land on the cast over Sana's wrist.

Dr. Park laughs out loud and waves away all their jumbled questions, especially his own daughter's particularly loud queries. 

"Use your indoor voice, girls," he chastises fondly, raising his voice so that he can be heard over everyone else. "It's just a hairline fracture. You're free to go, Sana-yah. I'll see you again in six weeks?"

Sana only nods, a watery smile tugging at the corner of her lips. 

Dr. Park leaves after more instructions, but not before pressing a kiss to the top of Jihyo's head and reminding her to not come home too late and miss dinner. 

Nayeon lets go of Sana's hand and takes a measured step backwards so that the rest of them can crowd around Sana.

She watches as Momo and Jeongyeon start squabbling over who gets first dibs to draw on Sana's bright pink cast, watches as Sana's smile widens into a toothy grin and finally, finally feels the knotted ball of panic and worry in her chest slowly come undone.

 

 

"You're  _crazy_ ," Jeongyeon bites out incredulously, running her hand through her hair in frustration and looking at Nayeon like as though she had grown two heads.

Nayeon bites the inside of her cheek to resist the impulse to point out how Jeongyeon is clearly overreacting. 

"Please, Jeongie," Nayeon ignores the way Jeongyeon's eyes narrow at the nickname. Nayeon only ever calls Jeongyeon that when she wants something; a fact that is clearly not lost on Jeongyeon. "It's her  _first_  real photoshoot. For an actual  _magazine_. I have to be there to support her."

"We  _all_  want to be there to support her," Jeongyeon points out with a sharp flick to Nayeon's forehead that makes her flinch. "But we have  _classes_ , Nayeon. Ever heard of those?"

"This is more important, okay," Nayeon insists stubbornly, rubbing the red spot on her forehead and shooting Jeongyeon an indignant glare.

The delighted wonder in Sana's eyes when the talent scout approached her when they were on their way home from school 2 weeks ago, flashes through Nayeon's mind.

For as long as Nayeon can remember, Sana has always dreamed of being on stage; was a natural at it and Nayeon cannot imagine anyone else more suited for it. There's just something about Sana that makes it impossible not to be drawn in by all her charms; Sana is too much like the sun, lighting up every room she enters with infectious warmth and energy. 

Getting scouted  _on the streets_  in school uniform no less, is a huge thing; a step in the right direction, even if Sana was scouted for a modelling agency instead of an entertainment company. Nayeon knows it will only open more doors for Sana in the future. What kind of best friend would she be if she doesn't support Sana's dream? 

So, Nayeon squares her shoulders back and tilts her chin defiantly at Jeongyeon who looks highly disapproving. 

"It's a  _terrible_  idea," Jeongyeon crosses her arms in a clear refusal to yield. "You probably can't even get in the venue anyway. Seungyeon unnie says these kind of things are always closed-doors."

"I'll wait outside. Besides, she's still recovering from that broken wrist."

"It's been  _five months_ since she had her cast removed."

" _Please_ , Jeongie," Nayeon repeats, then juts out her bottom lip into the pout Nayeon knows Jeongyeon  _hates_  if only because she can never find it in herself to say no every time Nayeon does it.

There's a tense beat of silence as Jeongyeon pointedly attempts to ignore Nayeon's pout and her puppy-eyed look. It's only when Nayeon breathes out Jeongyeon's name in a tiny wobbly exhale that Jeongyeon's resolve starts to crumble then disappears altogether. 

"Urgh,  _fine_ ," Jeongyeon throws her hands up in the air dramatically. "But you  _owe_  me. And if you get caught and land yourself in detention - " 

"It'll be worth it."

Jeongyeon just sighs in resignation, shaking her head and muttering mutinously under her breath as she stalks off to find Jaebum and Jackson.

 

 

Nayeon is distracted for the rest of the day, barely paying any attention in all of her classes. Instead, she watches the clock on the classroom wall almost obsessively, counting down the minutes to their break. 

It almost gets her in trouble during Chemistry when Mr. Kim calls on her to answer a question. If not for Mina's quick scribbling of the answer on Nayeon's textbook, she would have definitely landed herself in detention and not for the right reasons. 

When the bell for recess rings, Nayeon hangs back, taking her time to pack up. She knows it's her cue to leave when loud shrieks start from the cafeteria then seems to echo throughout the entire school. 

Swinging her backpack over her shoulder, Nayeon breaks into a light jog out of the classroom. She dodges past flustered teachers running in the direction of the cafeteria, and runs in the opposite direction, towards the school gates.

By sheer luck and the mass epic food fight she knows Jeongyeon convinced Jackson and Jaebum to start, Nayeon manages to slip out of the school unnoticed. 

Still, she doesn't stop running until she's reached the subway station and well on her way to Sana on the other side of town.

 

 

She spends the next two weeks in detention, along with Jackson and Jaebum who didn't seem to mind in the slightest after Nayeon coughs up her end of the deal and gives them the promised hundred thousand won each. 

Nayeon thinks it's all worth it though, is reminded of that fact every single day when Nayeon comes out of the detention classroom to find Sana waiting with the same bright-eyed smile that lit up her face when she discovered Nayeon shivering in the cold outside her photoshoot venue. 

Nayeon would never trade that for anything, would rather spend weeks in detention than give that up.

It's what she tells Jeongyeon too, and then finds that she doesn't care very much when Jeongyeon only shakes her head in disapproval and calls her crazy again.

 

 

When they enter high school, it's no real surprise to anyone that Sana's the first out of all of them to get a boyfriend. She's always had a steady string of admirers who are drawn like moths to the flame of her alluring charms, her bright energy and natural aegyo, and the way Sana looks at you when you're speaking like as though you are the centre of her universe.

Nayeon understands of course because it's  _Sana_  and no one can deny how endearing she is. Still, she cannot bring herself to actually  _like_  Kim Jinhyuk even though Sana had been almost giddy with happiness when one of the most popular boys in school had asked her out. 

"If you glare any harder, you're gonna burn a hole into the back of his head."

Nayeon tears her gaze away from a giggling Sana and Jinhyuk at the other end of the cafeteria with some difficulty and scowls at Jihyo who only raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow.

"Don't be stupid," she huffs and with barely concealed reluctance, picks up her fork.

"Why do you hate him so much anyway?" Jihyo asks mildly after a minute of watching Nayeon stab repeatedly at the meatballs on her plate.

"He's a _dick_ ," Nayeon bites out, meeting Jihyo's questioning gaze fiercely. It comes out harsher than she intended it to, wrapped around an unmistakable undercurrent of venom.

Jihyo tilts her head and studies Nayeon a little too intensely for her liking so she looks away and naturally, her eyes land on the far corner of the cafeteria again. 

"You barely know him, Nabongs."

"Whatever. He's  _still_ a dick. All boys are. And he's going to  _break_  Sana's heart. I just know it."

Nayeon scoffs derisively when she sees Jinhyuk put his baseball jacket over Sana's shoulders. It's not even cold in the cafeteria and Sana's warm enough in the sweater she stole from Nayeon the other day. She watches as Sana smiles at him brightly, feeling something in her stomach curdling unpleasantly at the sight. 

She ignores it though because  _what the hell_ , Jinhyuk's arm has somehow found itself around Sana's shoulders and he's leaning in to press a kiss to her cheek and  _urgh_.

Nayeon is too busy glaring daggers at Kim Jinhyuk to register Jihyo's deep-seated frown as she takes in Nayeon's reaction. When Sana and Jinhyuk get up to leave the cafeteria a minute later, there's a thundercloud hanging ominously over Nayeon's head as her eyes follow their every move.

Again, she completely misses the careful way Jihyo is watching her, misses the way Jihyo's frown shifts into dawning comprehension and a barely stifled gasp of realisation.

 

 

By the time Nayeon ends her volunteer shift at the Park Family Hospital and gets to Jackson's place for the obligatory end-of-semester celebrations, the party is already well under way. She muscles her way through the crowd of dancing bodies on the front lawn and squeezes inside. 

Music is blaring at a deafening volume and Nayeon feels the beginnings of a terrible headache. She scans the crowd, trying to look for Sana or any of the other girls. Nayeon  _hates_  parties, doesn't even like drinking even though they've all had a taste of soju and hard liquor stolen from Jihyo's parents' alcohol cabinet the other day. Besides, they're all  _underage_  and god, what  _idiots_ , she thinks, wrinkling her nose in distaste at the entire boy's baseball team and the beer pong they've got going in the middle of the living room. 

She spots a familiar short-haired brunette and immediately stalks over, rolling her eyes as she dodges past some of her dancing classmates. 

"There you are," Nayeon yells over the music the moment she's close enough, gripping Jeongyeon's elbow to get her attention. "Where's Sana?"

"Hello to you too," Jeongyeon takes a sip from the plastic cup in her other hand. "And I don't know. Somewhere."

"What do you mean  _you don't know_?" Nayeon tightens her grip on Jeongyeon's elbow, annoyed. "I  _told_  you to watch out for her. She has an audition for JYP tomorrow!"

"She's  _seventeen_ , not seven,"Jeongyeon scowls, wrenching her arm out of Nayeon's death grip. 

Before Nayeon can retort, Momo turns up, stumbling against Nayeon's side. Nayeon frowns as she takes in the blotches of red on Momo's cheeks and the way her eyes are glazed over. 

"How much did you drink?" Nayeon questions, a little worried because Momo looks like she's about to pass out any minute. 

Momo mumbles something unintelligible and buries her face into Nayeon's shoulder. Her mouth presses against Nayeon's throat, sticky from the alcohol. It startles Nayeon for the briefest of seconds before she grits her teeth and adjusts Momo's arm that's looped around her waist so that Momo doesn't bring both of them down to the floor.

"Seriously, Momoring," Nayeon can't help nagging even though she knows Momo's probably too far gone to be paying any real attention. 

"Just a few shots with Satang."

"With Sana? Well, where is she now?" 

Momo's eyes flutter at the question but she doesn't reply and only clings on to Nayeon harder. She whines when Nayeon nudges her painfully in the ribs.

"Where's Sana, Momo?" Nayeon repeats, ignoring Momo's feeble whines and nudging her again until Momo lifts her head from Nayeon's shoulder with a disgruntled pout.

"Making out with Jinhyuk in the kitchen," Momo tells her, face wrinkling with distaste. Jeongyeon wolf-whistles then starts laughing when a tipsy Momo attempts to join her and sounds like a dying cat instead.

Nayeon can't help it. She balks at the image that assaults her mind with Momo's words, stomach twisting unpleasantly. Just like a cliche movie scene, the crowd somehow shifts and Nayeon has a sudden clear view of Jackson's kitchen. 

The same kitchen where Sana is pressed up against the fridge, arms looped around Jinhyuk's neck. They're kissing and completely absorbed in each other.

The knot in Nayeon's stomach twists viciously and she feels bile rising up her throat. 

"Fuck it," she mutters under her breath, then steals Jeongyeon's cup and downs everything in a large gulp. It burns all the way down her throat and settles uncomfortably in her stomach.

She should stop to think about it, about the way her stomach is twisted into unrelenting knots at the sight of her best friend and her boyfriend. But Nayeon has never been very good at acknowledging or processing what she feels; she's always had Sana to help her through them. 

So Nayeon does the next best thing and gently untangles from Momo and passes her over to Jeongyeon instead. She ignores the way Jeongyeon frowns, and heads for the dining table where the alcohol is.

 

 

Her head is pounding and everything seems to be spinning. Somehow, Nayeon stumbles into an empty bathroom and vomits hard into the toilet bowl. Her stomach is churning and she just keeps throwing up, emptying the entire contents of her stomach with her knees pressed into the cold bathroom tile. 

A cool hand cups the back of her neck. "Oh, Nayeon."

"Don't," Nayeon manages, breathing hard as she heaves again. "I'm fine."

She hears Jihyo let out a soft sigh as she kneels beside Nayeon and rubs her back soothingly.

When she's finally done throwing up, Jihyo helps her to lean against the side of the bathtub. It's only then that Nayeon registers Mina's presence in the room when the girl flushes the toilet and quietly hands Nayeon a glass of water. She feels an irrational urge to laugh at the way the three of them are cramped into the tiny bathroom. 

There's an unreadable look on both their faces that Nayeon cannot process at all so she just takes shaky sips of water and leans against Jihyo. Even as the whole world spins around her and she feels like utter shit, Nayeon finds that she's thankful neither of them asks what she was thinking drinking almost her entire body weight in tequila. 

"Jeongyeon already took Momo home," Mina murmurs, wiping the sweat off Nayeon's forehead with the palm of her hand. "Let's get you home too. Okay?"

Nayeon wants to ask about Sana but it only brings about another wave of nausea so she just swallows down the question and nods, allowing both of them to help her to her feet.

 

 

Her alarm blares, rudely dragging Nayeon out of her drunken slumber. The sound cuts into the fog in her brain unapologetically, bringing with it the pain of a thousand tiny blades slicing across her temples.

Nayeon groans and pulls the comforter up over her head, curling into a fetal position. Her head  _hurts_. There's a terrible taste of bile in her mouth and Nayeon vaguely recalls throwing up in one of Jackson's bathrooms. 

God, she's  _never_  drinking again in her life.

The alarm keeps blaring and every beep only worsens the pounding in her head. Nayeon groans again as she forces herself to sit up, fighting the wave of nausea that comes with the movement. She fumbles for the snooze button and in the brief reprieve of silence that follows, takes a minute too long to register the bottle of Pocari Sweat on her bedside table.

She stares uncomprehendingly at it, unsure if she's hallucinating because she knows she hasn't gone grocery shopping in weeks; had no real need to when she spends most of her time in school, volunteering at the hospital, or hanging out at one of her friends' homes.

"It's supposed to help with the hangover," a familiar voice calls out, enough to startle Nayeon and make her jerk in surprise which only makes her nauseous all over again. 

Nayeon squeezes her eyes shut and swallows a few times to keep herself from throwing up again. She feels the bed dip but keeps her eyes closed and doesn't protest when Sana settles beside her and pulls Nayeon into a loose one-armed hug.

"Here, drink," Sana murmurs in a soft, soothing voice as she lifts the bottle of Pocari Sweat to Nayeon's lips.

Nayeon complies obediently, and allows Sana to fuss over her when some of the liquid spills down her chin. 

"Thank you," she curls a little more into Sana's side and breathes in the sweet scent of Sana's favoured perfume. The one that always reminds Nayeon of cotton candy and warm summer days in the amusement park. 

Sana hums, using her free hand to card gentle fingers through Nayeon's hair. "I ordered some Abalone Porridge for you. Sleep, okay? I'll wake you up when the delivery guy gets here."

It takes Nayeon a full minute to process what Sana just said before she pulls away and squints at her best friend. 

"But what about your audition?" 

Sana's lips tighten for the briefest of seconds and she tilts her head slightly, studying Nayeon with a piercing intensity that she's unaccustomed to. Blearily, Nayeon realises that Sana's dressed in one of Nayeon's oversized sleep shirts and there's still a smudge of mascara around Sana's left eye. Sana must have come over sometime after Jihyo and Mina got Nayeon home from Jackson's party which doesn't really make much sense because the last time Nayeon saw her, she was glued to her boyfriend by the lips. 

Somehow, Nayeon feels like she's missing pieces of a puzzle that she's supposed to put together. The way Sana is looking at her doesn't help; it's as though Sana is barely resisting the urge to point out something glaringly obvious that Nayeon is missing. 

Nayeon's head gives another particularly painful twinge and she groans, squeezing her eyes shut and massaging her temples with a shaky hand. 

There's the softest of sighs then Nayeon is pulled gently until she's lying down, her head in Sana's lap. Gentle fingers card through her hair again, soothing Nayeon enough for her to feel herself start drifting off.

Just on the edge of sleep, Nayeon dimly registers warm lips pressing against her temple and the quiet exhale that follows. 

"You're always going to be more important than any audition, Nayeonnie."

 

 

Later, Sana insists on spoon-feeding Nayeon the Abalone Porridge she ordered, pointedly waving away all of Nayeon's feeble protests that she's feeling much better after her nap.

Nayeon gives in of course; she can never find it in herself to say no to Sana anyway. 

Neither of them mention nor talk about the hickey branded like a mark at the base of Sana's throat, even after the tenth call from Jinhyuk that goes unanswered on Sana's phone.

 

 

Things go back to normal after that and life goes on as it should. Until everything changes months later, mid-way through their final year of High School. 

 

 

 

**Park Jihyo** : Toilet on the 4th floor, near the Music Rooms. Now.

Nayeon makes her way out of her Advanced Biology class, frowning at her phone and waiting expectantly in case Jihyo sends anything else. After a minute, when it becomes clear that no other messages are forthcoming, a general sense of foreboding settles in the pit of Nayeon's stomach. 

Jihyo is only ever that curt when it's an  _actual_  emergency. Nayeon breaks off into a run for the stairs, almost tripping over her own feet in her haste. 

By the time Nayeon skids to a stop outside the toilet door, she's breathless from the physical exertion and the anxiety from countless possible scenarios running through her head. 

The door bangs open before she can enter and she's unceremoniously yanked inside by the elbow. 

"What the hell, Jihyo!" Nayeon scowls at the other girl who has an uncharacteristically furious look on her face. 

"You're right. He  _is_  a fucking dick," Jihyo says with enough venom in her voice to make Nayeon stop scowling and furrow her brows in confusion instead.

She's about to ask  _who_  exactly Jihyo is referring to when there's a barely suppressed sob coming from somewhere behind her. 

Nayeon whirls around, heart already rapidly sinking in her chest. She's at the other end of the room in a few quick strides. 

Mina doesn't even blink as she gently unhooks her arms from around Sana's trembling frame and allows Nayeon to take her place instead. Sana curls into Nayeon immediately, burying her face into the crook of Nayeon's neck. 

"It's okay, sunshine," Nayeon murmurs as calmly as she can despite the growing alarm in her chest when Sana sobs harder, tears staining the fabric of Nayeon's uniform. 

Over the top of Sana's head, Nayeon takes in Jihyo's pursed lips, the hard set of Jeongyeon's jaw, the way Mina looks torn between concern for Sana and barely controlled anger. Even Momo has a murderous glint blazing in her eyes;  _Momo_ , who has always been too soft and gentle to even hurt a fly. 

Nayeon catches Jihyo's eye and lifts a questioning eyebrow but it's Jeongyeon who opens her mouth instead.

"Sana and I caught the fucker making out with Choi Seohee by the bleachers," Jeongyeon grits out in an undertone, muscle twitching fiercely along her jaw.

A flash of white, hot anger cuts straight through Nayeon's mounting concern at the way Sana's breath keeps hitching. She's forced to bite down hard on the inside of her cheek to resist the urge to storm off and find Kim Jinhyuk so she can punch his face and then  _claw his fucking eyes out_. 

Because that's not what Sana needs right now. So Nayeon simply tightens her hold on Sana, cradling the back of Sana's head with a gentle palm and pressing a comforting kiss to Sana's temple.

"It's okay, sunshine," she whispers, keeping her voice low and soothing. "It's okay. I've got you."

 

 

Two days later, when the teachers are busy with a staff meeting, the entire boy's baseball team corners Kim Jinhyuk by his locker.

Nayeon watches from the other end of the corridor as a blur of rainbow colours arch out of the cups thrown with unerring precision in Jinhyuk's direction. A vicious kind of satisfaction spreads like wildfire in Nayeon's chest as Jinhyuk splutters indignantly, trying to blink slushie out of his eyes, his once perfectly styled hair a slopping blue mess over his forehead.

There's a harried intake of breath from somewhere beside her; Sana, who had no idea this was coming for her ex-boyfriend. Still, when Nayeon steals a quick glance at her, the corners of Sana's lips are quirked ever so slightly despite the shell-shocked look on her face. 

Jaebum catches Nayeon's eye from where he and Jackson have vice-like grips on Jinhyuk's arms, holding him in place even as he tries to break free, alternating between spitting out angry insults at the boys who slushied him and the crowd of students openly laughing at him.

Gently, Nayeon untangles Sana's fingers from where they are twisted into the fabric of her school blazer and lets Momo take Sana's hand instead.

When she takes a step forward, flanked by Jeongyeon, Mina and Jihyo, she can feel the weight of the entire crowd's attention focused on them. Nayeon ignores the pointed staring and hushed whispers, taking deliberately purposeful strides towards Kim Jinhyuk, who has fallen silent and is now eyeing the four of them wearily. 

Jinhyuk opens his mouth the moment they stand in front of him but Nayeon doesn't give him a chance. The resounding slap she lands on his left cheek seems to echo throughout the suddenly silent corridor.

" _That's_  for breaking Sana's heart," Nayeon tells him, lips twisting into the sweetest of smirks when he stares down at her with angry, humiliated eyes. "If you  _ever_  come anywhere near her again, it won't be just slushies next time."

She doesn't bother giving him the satisfaction of replying, walking away immediately after she's said her piece, leaving the other three to continue where she's left off. 

Her palm stings like hell but it's a small price to pay, is nothing really, when put against the sunshine dancing across every line of Sana's face when Nayeon catches her eye.

 

 

"Thank you," Sana's voice shakes tremulously, heavy with emotion as she looks at each one of them in turn.

They're all gathered in Nayeon's living room; an impromptu sleepover after what happened in school earlier. 

"Don't be silly," Jihyo chides, even as Sana pulls the two nearest to her (Mina and Momo) into a messy hug, pressing swift kisses to each of their cheeks.

Nayeon watches with a fond smile as Sana does the same to Jeongyeon who abandons her tsundere nature for a minute to hug back just as hard, before moving on to an exasperated Jihyo.

When Sana finally lets Jihyo go, her gaze seeks out Nayeon immediately. There's a brief, aching moment of them just staring at each other before Sana shifts forward and tugs on Nayeon's hand, the one she used to slap Jinhyuk with.

Tenderly, with a quiet kind of reverence that makes Nayeon's stomach swoop in an all too familiar way, Sana lifts Nayeon's hand and presses her lips against the cradle of Nayeon's palm. Nayeon blinks, trying her best to process what just happened through the sudden fog in her head, but  _can't_  because Sana shifts again. 

This time, there are soft hands cupping her cheeks and then lips come to rest on the cool skin of Nayeon's forehead. Nayeon's eyelids flutter and her stomach swoops again. Her mind is hazy and she struggles to focus but Sana's looking at her with so much warmth and  _oh, this must be what it's like to look directly at the sun_. 

"Thank you, Nayeonnie," Sana whispers, quiet and somehow intimate, like it's a private moment she only wants to share with Nayeon despite the four other girls in the room. 

"You're welcome, sunshine," Nayeon murmurs with just as much sincerity, adjusting her position when Sana moves to curl up beside her.

Nayeon is too preoccupied with making sure Sana has enough space to notice the silent significant looks the rest of her friends are sharing with each other after witnessing the intimate exchange.

Nayeon is also too preoccupied to properly process the swooping feeling lingering in her stomach and the way her heart seems to be skipping every other beat. 

Even if everyone else can see it, Nayeon still hasn't pieced it together - what it means when Sana's sunlight effortlessly eclipses everything else that holds even the tiniest bit of significance.

 

 

Nayeon sighs as she settles back against the hard wooden bench, trying to catch her breath. She really needs to start exercising more because who the hell gets so winded after cycling barely 20 minutes. And she's  _eighteen_ , not eighty. 

There's an amused chuckle from somewhere to her left and Nayeon turns to throw Momo a sullen glare. It dissolves immediately into a frown at the shadow of a wince that passes over Momo's face when she plops down beside Nayeon.

"You should have said something if your ankle still hurts," Nayeon admonishes, narrowing her eyes when Momo merely shrugs nonchalantly.

Momo takes a long sip from her coconut coffee, mumbling her defence around her straw. "It's just a  _sprain_ , I didn't like break it or anything."

"You almost  _tore your ligament_ ," Nayeon points out, exasperated more than anything else because Momo can be ridiculously headstrong when it comes to the limits of her own body. "And you strained it even more when you kept practising for that dance competition despite doctor's orders for  _complete bed rest_."

She's also a little bit annoyed at her own self for letting Momo join her in the first place. She should have insisted Momo rest instead, no matter how hard it is to say no when Momo starts pouting. It's not like she hasn't cycled alone by the Han River before. 

"Stop it," Momo pokes at the frown creasing Nayeon's forehead with a well-placed finger. "It doesn't hurt too badly, okay? And, I  _wanted_  to join you."

Nayeon sighs, giving in when she recognises the defiant tilt of Momo's jaw and the challenge burning in her eyes.

They lapse into silence, broken only by Momo sipping noisily from her drink, seemingly making a game out of how loud she can be before Nayeon tells her to cut it out. 

Nayeon only shakes her head fondly, lips twitching at the cheeky grin Momo flashes her.

 

 

"Have you guys gotten your matching dresses yet?" Momo asks just as they're turning the corner into Momo's street.

"What dresses?" Nayeon is distracted, looking around to make sure there are no cars coming. She wraps an arm around Momo and pulls her closer, just in case. 

"For you and Sana?" At Nayeon's confused look, Momo rolls her eyes. "For prom."

Nayeon's frown deepens. "We're not going together. And I've already decided not to go for prom, anyway. It's stupid."

"Well, Sana said you were," Momo shrugs, slipping out of Nayeon's loose hold when her apartment building looms into view.

There's a flicker of emotion dancing in her eyes that Nayeon cannot seem to read at all. Even though Momo hugs her goodbye before skipping off into the lobby, Nayeon can't quite quell the wrong-footed feeling building inside her; Momo and her have grown close enough over the years to develop a kind of telepathy that's unique to their friendship. 

This time though, Nayeon cannot seem to navigate or figure out the thoughts running through Momo's head. 

She gets distracted, puzzling it over and over in her mind, that she doesn't realise where she's heading until she's standing right in front of Sana's door. If it was anyone else's house, Nayeon might find it in herself to be slightly alarmed. As it is, she merely keys in the passcode and slips inside.

The house is quiet when she toes off her sneakers and places them neatly in the top right-hand corner of the shoe cupboard like she's done countless other times before.

There's light spilling out from underneath Sana's closed bedroom door which makes Nayeon feel strangely relieved that she's still awake; Sana has always been a light sleeper and would wake up no matter how quietly Nayeon tries to sneak into the room. 

She opens the door without knocking and is greeted with one of Sana's softest smiles, hidden behind her wire-rimmed glasses.

"Are Papa and Mama already asleep?" Nayeon asks, sinking down spread-eagled onto the spare bed that has remained unmoved from the corner of the room for years now. She wriggles her toes then attempts to remove her socks without using her hands, too lazy to sit up again. 

Sana lets out a tiny hum in reply, then rolls her eyes when Nayeon lets out a frustrated whine. She closes her book and puts it down on the nightstand. Before Nayeon can blink, Sana is already sinking down on the edge of Nayeon's bed. She puts Nayeon's feet over her lap then yanks both socks off. 

"Thanks," Nayeon grins a little sheepishly. 

Sana just hums again then wraps slender fingers around Nayeon's left ankle and uses her thumbs to knead the sole of Nayeon's feet in gentle measured circles. 

Nayeon lets out an appreciative moan. She melts further into the bed, eyes fluttering close and feels herself slowly drifting off.

"Did you have a good time with Momo?"

Nayeon blinks her eyes open with some difficulty, struggling to focus because she's really  _really_  comfortable right now. It doesn't help that Sana has magic hands - always giving the best massages to soothe away exhaustion and knotted muscles. 

Sana's looking at her expectantly though and Sana's mention of Momo's name jolts the memory of their conversation earlier back to the forefront of Nayeon's mind. 

For some reason, Nayeon hesitates; feels the question get trapped by sudden weeds in her throat. There's a strange feeling swirling beneath her breast bone that tells her this is them teetering on the edge of uncharted territory, one Nayeon has no real idea how to navigate.

As always, Sana is effortlessly attuned to every shift in Nayeon's mood, no matter how miniscule. She stops her kneading of Nayeon's foot and peers at Nayeon over her glasses, her face an open question.

"Are we - " Nayeon breaks off then squirms, shifting backwards until she's sitting up against the headboard. A flash of hurt passes over Sana's face when Nayeon's feet slip out of her lap, and there's a clear distance between them on the small bed. It's enough to make Nayeon panic and blurt out her question hastily.

"Are we going to prom together?"

Sana blinks uncomprehendingly and Nayeon counts one second, two seconds, three seconds, before the mild confusion in Sana's eyes clear and then to Nayeon's bewilderment, Sana's lips twitch like she's trying hard to suppress a smile.

"Who else would I be going with?" 

"But why would you want to - I mean," Nayeon falters when Sana raises a perfectly poised eyebrow in challenge. "You must have a million boys wanting to go with you."

Sana lets out a light chuckle, laced with a hum of amusement, then rolls her eyes at the baffled look on Nayeon's face.

"Don't be silly, Nayeonnie. Our school doesn't have a  _million_  boys."

Despite the amused crinkle at the corner of her best friend's eyes, Nayeon remains unconvinced. Sana has always been popular with the boys in school, even more so after her terrible break-up with that Kim Jinhyuk idiot. Just two days ago, Nayeon was cornered by a stammering baby-faced  _freshman_  who had shoved a fan letter for Sana into Nayeon's hands before running off in embarrassment.

Unsurprisingly, Sana easily follows the path of thoughts currently circling around Nayeon's mind because she rolls her eyes again then reaches for Nayeon's ankle. She tugs hard enough for Nayeon to slide back down the bed. Sana pointedly ignores the indignant yelp Nayeon lets out and the half-hearted glare that accompanies it. 

"You're the  _only one_  I want to go with, okay?" Sana's voice carries a matter-of-fact tone of finality, one that effectively signals Nayeon to drop the subject. As if it's that easy.

Still, Nayeon finds herself swallowing down everything else she had wanted to say. She knows it's pointless to argue with a determined Sana; it's not like Nayeon will ever win anyway. She's never mastered the art of saying no to the girl before her, not once in the eleven years they've been best friends.

Instead, she allows Sana to continue massaging her feet, closing her eyes and just soaking in the moment. Once again, Nayeon feels herself start to drift off slowly which is why it takes her a full minute to register Sana's quiet voice that breaks the peaceful silence in the room.

"I'm sorry if it's selfish. I want to be the only one that gets to share all of life's biggest milestones with you. Even if you think it's a stupid one."

Nayeon's eyelids are so so heavy but she forces herself to crack them open, enough for her to blearily take in Sana who for some reason, has cheeks tinged slightly pink despite the intense gaze she keeps locked on Nayeon's face. 

"You're not selfish, sunshine," Nayeon mumbles, her words tripping over each other as she fights to hold on to the last shreds of consciousness before sleep overtakes her. "And it's not stupid. Not if it's with you." 

Nayeon falls asleep before Sana manages to reply so she completely misses the fond smile that breaks out on Sana's face or the way Sana presses a kiss to her temple, lingering for a significant beat before pulling away. 

If she were awake, Nayeon would have felt it; the way something shifts imperceptibly between them, tilting years of steady, unwavering friendship off-balance and pushing them far out into uncharted waters.

 

 

Prom, when it happens at the end of the month, is surprisingly uneventful.

Nayeon wears a pretty dress in a subtle pink shade that perfectly complements Sana's own. They look  _good_  together, beautiful even, in an ethereal kind of way that somehow makes that ever-familiar swooping feeling linger uncomfortably in Nayeon's stomach. 

Papa insists on taking a million photos before allowing them to leave the house and even though Nayeon voices her reluctance repeatedly throughout the entire process, she still saves every single photo, thumbing through them fondly before she falls asleep at night.

 

 

"We're rooming together right?" 

"Of course," Nayeon replies distractedly, trying to work out how to fit her third pair of shoes inside her already-full luggage bag.

Sana sighs exasperatedly then takes the shoes and stuffs them into her own bag before zipping it shut. She raises her eyebrows when Nayeon blinks in surprise, then blushes a pretty shade of red when Nayeon leans over and presses a fleeting thank you to her cheek. 

Nayeon can't help the laugh that bubbles up her throat at the sight because Sana, who has never been shy about showering others with affection, always gets a little embarrassed when she's the one on the receiving end.  

Sana's eyes narrow dangerously when Nayeon's amused giggles continue. "Remind me again why you need  _three_  different pairs of shoes?" 

"You  _know_  why. It's our graduation trip. I want to be well-prepared."

"We're only going to Tokyo. _For a week_."

"And I can't possibly wear the same shoes to Disneyland and Harajuku and Shibuya and - "

"You're ridiculous," Sana cuts in, lips quirking with barely disguised amusement.

"Ridiculously well-prepared," Nayeon corrects, puffing out her chest proudly and making Sana's eyes crinkle. 

It's Nayeon's turn to narrow her eyes and glare at Sana's half-baked attempts to hide her giggles. 

"Whatever," she huffs, throwing a sock in Sana's general direction which her best friend manages to dodge easily despite all the giggling. "You love me anyway. Ridiculous or not."

Sana's laughter tapers off abruptly and there's a loaded pause that hangs for far too long in the air between them. For some reason, Nayeon is holding her breath, brain rapidly scrambling because this awkwardness is something she has no idea how to deal with, has actually never once came across in all the years of her friendship with Sana.

She opens her mouth, to take the words back or just say something,  _anything_  to bring the balance back. 

Sana beats her to it though. 

"Yeah, I do love you."

Sana says the words quietly but they're laced with a fierce kind of sincerity that only throws Nayeon even more off-balance than she was before. 

So, she does the only thing she can think of to do before awkward silence descends between them  once again.

"Of course you do," Nayeon throws out lightly, forcing a big, toothy grin onto her face. It hides the way her heart stutters dangerously in her chest. "Now, more importantly, how many pairs of sunglasses do you think I need? I was thinking five but maybe six would be a better - "

Before she can finish her sentence, a pink sweater lands squarely over her head and Nayeon splutters in shock. She yanks the offending material off her face and glares at Sana, only to join in Sana's infectious laughter barely thirty seconds later.

They laugh until Nayeon's sides hurt and there are tears of mirth running down her cheeks. She's long forgotten what exactly is so funny but she'd gladly take uncontrollable laughter with Sana over awkward, stilted silences any day.

 

 

Days later, Nayeon would look back and think how utterly ridiculous it was that she was so wholly prepared to take on every conceivable fashion-related emergency in Tokyo, yet was in no way equipped for the most terrifying moment in her life that blindsided her completely on the last night of their trip.

 

 

The room is a flurry of activity, a palpable thrum of pure panic laced with urgency hangs ominously heavy in the air. 

In the middle of it all is Sana, pale and impossibly still on one of the beds.

Jihyo is pacing up and down the length of the room, conversing in rapid fire speed with her father, an ocean away in Seoul. She repeats his instructions out loud, trying her best to keep her voice steady. 

Mina - always perfectly composed no matter what storm comes her way - follows the instructions carefully; placing two pillows underneath Sana's legs to elevate them and restore blood flow to the brain. It's only the slight trembling of her fingers when she takes Sana's pulse that betrays how shaken Mina actually is. 

Jeongyeon has a comforting arm around a sniffling Momo on the other bed. Even though Jeongyeon is murmuring soothingly in an effort to stop Momo's tears, her eyes are fixed on Sana, tracking every breath Sana takes like she's counting them in her own head. 

It's exactly what Nayeon is doing too; keeping her eyes locked onto the rise and fall of Sana's chest beneath the embroidered hotel bathrobe Nayeon had hastily wrapped her in. 

Nayeon swallows hard, and tries to breathe even though her lungs don't seem to be listening at all. She presses her back further against the wall behind her for support, gripping hard onto the fabric of her own pajamas for something to hold on to. Every pause in between Sana's breathing sends a new surge of fear washing over Nayeon until it's all she feels; utter terror at the fact that Sana could have - 

"Sana?" Mina's quiet voice somehow breaks through everything else that's happening and the whole room stills collectively. 

"Oh, thank god," Jihyo breathes when Sana's eyelids quiver then blink open. 

Nayeon lets out a shaky exhale but the wave of relief that should be overwhelming her doesn't come. Instead, what flashes through her mind is a cruel stream of images; Sana slumped with her face pressed against the side of the porcelain tub, just an inch above the surface of the heated water; Sana still unconscious even after Nayeon drags her out by the arms and hauls her underneath the shower; Sana's faint barely-there pulse no matter how hard Nayeon presses against the inside of her wrist; Sana's deadweight in her arms as she screams hysterically down her phone for Jihyo to  _get here right now_  - 

"Nayeon?"

Nayeon blinks, tearing herself away from the memories and forcing herself to meet Jeongyeon's eye instead.

"You okay?" Jeongyeon stands up from the bed, as Momo moves towards a barely-conscious Sana. She takes a step towards Nayeon, a concerned frown marring her features. 

Nayeon hastily takes an automatic step backwards. Then another and another. Until the handle of the main door jams unforgivingly against her side, a pain she barely feels over the utter fear coursing through her veins.

"I - I just need some air," Nayeon manages to say, right before she grasps the handle, pulls it open and escapes down the corridor.

 

 

By the time Nayeon wearily makes her way down the same corridor again, night has slipped into early morning. 

Every step she takes closer and closer to the hotel room seems to take an enormous amount of energy; energy she doesn't quite have after spending hours wandering down unfamiliar streets. 

She pauses right outside the door of the room. It's left slightly ajar and Nayeon knows it's for her; in her haste to leave earlier, she neglected to bring the keycard or her phone. 

The thought only makes another sob catch in her throat. How her friends care enough to make sure she could get back into the room safely, even though they have no idea where she went or when she would return. Even though  _Sana_  is the one everyone should be caring about most after what happened.

God, how  _foolish_  was she to think that taking a long walk would actually clear her head and quell that knot of paralysing terror lodged underneath her ribs?

Nayeon feels it even stronger now, pulsing in time with her heartbeat, pushing insistently against her lungs until she feels like she's breathing underwater.

With trembling fingers, Nayeon forces herself to push the door open and slip inside. 

In the dim light from the corridor outside, she can just barely make out the slumbering figures in the room. Mina and Jihyo are squeezed together in one of the beds, their bodies covered by only a thin sheet because Jeongyeon is using the comforter as a makeshift futon on the tiny floor space at the foot of the bed. 

Momo is tucked into the other bed, face half-buried in between Sana's shoulder blades and a protective arm around Sana's waist.

Sana who is a notoriously light sleeper, who would wake up no matter how quietly Nayeon tries to sneak into a room. Sana who is currently holding Nayeon's gaze, eyes bright and alert despite being roused from sleep. 

Nayeon swallows hard; she has no idea what to say, how to even explain why she fled the moment Sana regained consciousness. She has no idea how to navigate the storm of emotions surging inside her, let alone articulate it out loud. 

The aching moment stretches between them. Then Sana shifts, nudging Momo to move until there's a fraction of space on Sana's other side.

"C'mere." 

Sana's voice is a raspy whisper, and Nayeon can hardly hear her but there's the hand Sana is holding out to her; an anchor that has always grounded Nayeon through the very worst of storms. 

Before she can really process it, Nayeon has already gravitated towards the bed, sinking down in front of her best friend. Sana squeezes Nayeon's hand from where it's latched tightly on to Sana's own.

To Nayeon's horror, the harmless gesture makes her vision blur dangerously. Like as though she hasn't cried enough since she forced the lock open on the bathroom door hours ago. 

Sana shifts again then her other hand comes up to cradle Nayeon's cheek, thumb brushing over Nayeon's cheekbone and coming away smudged with the residue of Nayeon's ruined mascara. 

"I'm okay, Nayeon-ah," Sana keeps her palm against Nayeon's cheek, bleeding warmth into Nayeon's clammy skin from barely dried tear tracks. "I'm still here."

Nayeon takes a deep shuddering breath, and forces the tears back. She tries for a smile but knows she's not quite managing it from the way Sana's eyes soften further. 

"I know," she manages to croak out, gripping Sana's hand tight enough for it to hurt.

The ghost of a smile tugs at the corners of Sana's lips when Nayeon moves to lie down properly. There's barely any room but somehow, they shift into place; Nayeon's forehead resting against Sana's clavicle. 

"Sleep, Nayeonnie," she hears in a gentle murmur pressed against the side of her head. 

Nayeon counts the seconds until Sana's breathing evens out. Then, she moves her head ever so slightly, until she can hear the steady beating of Sana's heart right in her ear.

Nayeon spends the rest of the night sleepless; fearfully counting every single beat.

 

 

The next morning is another exercise in stilted awkwardness that begins the moment everyone wakes up, and heads back to their own rooms to get ready for check out. 

Nayeon is utterly exhausted, which offers a perfect excuse for her to not have to fill in the lingering silence as she and Sana get ready too.  

Still, she's relieved when the six of them finally meet up again at the lobby. They all say goodbye to Sana who's staying behind to wait for her parents to arrive for a short family vacation. A family vacation that Papa had initially extended to Nayeon too, only to have her decline because she wanted to pick up more volunteer shifts at the hospital. 

On hindsight, Nayeon is glad she's heading back to Seoul instead of tagging along. Maybe taking a long walk last night wasn't enough to clear her head. But maybe the distance and the ocean separating Sana and her this time would be just the thing she needs to figure everything out.

 

 

Nayeon startles awake for what feels like the 10th time, in another night of fitful sleep. It's been two days since  _Japan._ Yet, the knot of unnamed feelings and paralysing terror beneath her ribs is still very much present, a constant reminder that refuses to let go of its hold on her.

She fumbles to switch off the alarm beeping from her phone and heaves a sigh when it makes her remember the string of messages Sana sent over the past two days. All of which she left unread. 

Nayeon hates how she's being cowardly, hates how she hasn't yet figured out how to deal with  _Japan_  and all these damn emotions. 

Still, it's the first Sunday of the month. So Nayeon forces herself to get up, forces herself to get ready and take the bus to the dance studio on the other side of town. 

She has a promise to keep and despite the fact that she feels like breaking apart at the seams, Nayeon cannot bring herself to break yet another thing.

 

 

It's barely 8am when she enters the enters the studio. Nayeon stifles a yawn with the back of her hand and follows the soft strains of music coming from the room right at the end of hallway. 

When she's close enough to really hear the piece, Nayeon recognises it immediately as Stravinsky's  _Three Movements from Petrushka_.

A memory of listening to this very same piece swims to front of her mind; Nayeon must have been six or so, young enough to still curl up in her mother's lap as they spend the afternoon listening to some of her mother's favourite classical music pieces.

The memory makes a lump form in Nayeon's throat and the knot in her chest tightens impossibly. There's a familiar sting at the corner of her eyes and she takes a deep steadying breath to keep herself together.

When she pushes the door of the room open and catches Mina's eye in the mirrored wall, Nayeon barely manages to hitch on a weak smile in greeting. 

Mina goes back to dancing almost immediately, executing ballet movements with the same finesse and precision she always has even though she's stopped actively doing ballet for 3 years now. Family expectations are a heavy burden to carry, but Mina took it in stride with her usual effortless grace and made no protests when her parents urged her to give up something she's dedicated 11 years of her life to. Her only condition for agreeing to their wishes for her to study medicine was  _this_ ; time to revisit the dance studio and practise whatever she wanted every first Sunday of the month. 

It was actually _Nayeon's_ idea; a compromise she knew would make Mina happy despite Mina's seemingly unruffled stoicism when she told the rest of them there would be no more ballet recitals to attend, no more dreams of becoming a professional ballerina. Nayeon was the one who pulled Mina aside after that and convinced her to strike the compromise with her parents.

And so, it's Nayeon that gets the privilege of joining Mina every first Sunday of the month. Most of the time, Nayeon does her own things; she reads a book or catches up on schoolwork, or just sprawls out on the floor to watch a drama episode or two on her iPad.

Today though, Nayeon does none of those things. She knows it's pointless when her mind would inevitably start wandering back to  _Japan_ , reliving that terrible moment in their hotel room over and over again. 

So she just watches as Mina soars through the air in a perfect  _Grand Jeté_  before landing nimbly on her feet and seamlessly flowing into another movement. The smile that tugs on Nayeon's lips is more genuine this time and it widens slightly when Mina once again catches her eye in the mirror. 

Nayeon spends the next hour just watching Mina dance, letting her mind snag onto the fluid yet razor-sharp lines Mina forms with her limbs. It's a much better distraction, somehow keeping her grounded long enough to not think about  _Japan_  or Sana, about the knot of nameless emotions that only seems to grow larger and larger inside her, about the way it makes Nayeon feel like she's on the precipice of a cliff and only a step away from falling into a dark abyss. 

"Nayeon?"

Nayeon is abruptly pulled out of her reverie when Mina's cool hand lands on her cheek. Mina's thumb soothes over the line of her cheekbone and her eyes carry a softness that is too reminiscent of how Sana had looked at her back in that damn hotel room.

To her horror, a choked sob escapes from her throat and then Nayeon breaks completely, crying so hard her breath hitches dangerously. 

Mina's hand leaves her cheek to grasp Nayeon's hand instead, letting Nayeon hold on as she sobs uncontrollably.

Mina doesn't say a word; just keeps her fingers intertwined with Nayeon's own, thumb tracing soothing circles on the back of Nayeon's hand. 

It feels like an eternity later when Nayeon's sobs die down into the occasional sniffle. 

"I'm terrified," Nayeon manages, in a voice barely above a whisper.

There's silence for a beat and Nayeon feels herself teetering on the edge of panicking because Mina isn't saying anything and god, _she's not ready to explain or admit everything out loud_. 

"I know," Mina finally says, and Nayeon should have known because Mina and the rest of her friends have probably figured everything out, long before Nayeon ever did. 

Mina untangles her fingers from Nayeon's hand and pulls Nayeon into a one-armed hug instead. "But maybe... you need to be honest with yourself  _why_  you're so terrified in the first place, Nayeonnie."

Nayeon swallows hard, struggling to find the words and just feeling like crying all over again. 

"You can't avoid her, forever," Mina adds gently, squeezing Nayeon in a way that is comforting and reassuring at the same time.

It helps ease the storm brewing in Nayeon's chest just a little bit, enough for her to find the strength to admit what she's come to realise since  _Japan_. What she's really been afraid of all along. 

"I just - I don't want to lose her. I can't - I don't know what to do if I lose her."

There's a tiny sharp intake of breath before Mina exhales all at once. "You _won't_ , Nayeon-ah."

Mina pauses then shifts slightly so she can press a kiss to the side of Nayeon's head. "Trust me, Nayeon-ah. Sana's not going anywhere. You just need to stop avoiding her. _Talk_ to her and tell her how you feel."

 

 

"Here you go, Halmeoni," Nayeon says gently, so as not to startle the grieving widow beside her. 

She offers one of her warmest smiles as she holds out the styrofoam cup of tea for the older woman to take. "I don't know if you like tea, but everything else was sold out from the machine. I'm sorry it's not much but - "

"It's more than enough," Halmeoni interrupts, lips quirking into a soft smile despite the grief that pools in every line of her wrinkled face. "Thank you, sweetheart."

Nayeon watches as the woman takes a sip and sighs, leaning backwards against the hard plastic chair of the hospital waiting room. She wonders what words of comfort will ever be enough to offer to someone who has just lost the husband she was married to for fifty three years.

Nayeon had been about to head home after the end of her volunteer shift when she noticed the widow of a patient that passed away earlier in her shift, sitting alone in a corner of the waiting room. Something in the woman's stoic pose despite the utter devastation she must be feeling, struck a chord in Nayeon. Enough for her to head to the vending machine for a cup of something warm, something comforting.

"I'm really really sorry for your loss, Halmeoni." 

"You're too kind, sweetheart," a wrinkled hand reaches out to clasp Nayeon's hand. "I've lived a long happy life with my husband. And that's more than enough."

They lapse into silence, one that Nayeon fills by running her thumb over the papery-thin skin of Halmeoni's hand, knowing it's the simplest of gestures, yet wanting to offer some form of comfort anyway. 

The silence is only broken when Nayeon's phone vibrates in her pocket. She pulls it out with her free hand and unlocks it with a swipe of her thumb. 

There's a split second where her phone lights up with her and Sana's matching crinkle-eyed smiles; a selfie they took barely a week ago in front of the castle at Disneyland. For what feels like the millionth time since Disneyland and  _Japan_ , Nayeon feels her heart clench. The feeling only grows insistently when she registers that it's yet another message from Sana that now joins the rest of the messages sitting unopened in her inbox.

"That's a lovely picture."

Nayeon blinks, and fumbles, almost dropping her phone before she somehow manages to keep her composure. She shoves her phone back into her pocket and hitches a small smile onto her face before turning to face Halmeoni.

Kind, knowing eyes meet her own and Nayeon feels her smile freeze on her face. 

"What's her name?" Halmeoni asks gently, as if she can sense the mounting panic lacing through every single thought currently running through Nayeon's head.

It's the simplest of questions but there are layers beneath the spoken words that feels too much and terrifying all at once. Nayeon breathes, eyes slipping close for just a second, but it's enough for Sana's brilliant smile to burst into light behind her eyelids.

"Sana," Nayeon finally murmurs after another second. She takes a deep breath, and somehow feels a weight lift off her chest at the way Sana's name sounds out loud; a confession and a yearning at the same time.

"Her name is Sana," she repeats in a voice far steadier than the nervous tripping of her own heart; too full with a love she can no longer deny or explain away. 

Instinctively, Nayeon knows that whatever Halmeoni says next will be something that stays with her for a long time afterwards. 

Halmeoni studies Nayeon carefully for a moment then breaks into the warmest of smiles. "You two look  _beautiful_  together."

 

 

Hours later, the words are still stubbornly looping over and over again in her head. It's all Nayeon can think of and it takes her three tries to open her front door, before realising that it's somehow already unlocked in the first place. 

If she wasn't so distracted, Nayeon would have noticed the shoes that aren't hers tucked neatly in the corner of her foyer. If she wasn't so distracted, Nayeon would not have been caught completely off guard when she walks into the living room and finds Sana's blazing gaze locked onto her face. 

But then again, even before Nayeon's feelings made sense to her, Sana has always had that ability; to make Nayeon's world shift and tilt in ways she cannot fully understand. 

There's a palpable sense of anger in the way Sana has her arms crossed, in the way she has folded herself into the armchair that she always sits in whenever they're in Nayeon's apartment. There's also an undercurrent of hurt swimming in Sana's eyes despite the way she seems to pin Nayeon down with the fiercest of looks. 

"What are you doing here?" Nayeon's voice comes out smaller than she wants it to. Her hands shake as she removes her coat and drapes it over the back of the sofa. Nayeon braces her hands on the sofa, letting her fingers dig into the fabric for something to hold on to. 

Sana's eyes narrow dangerously and a muscle twitches along her jaw, but otherwise, she remains unmoving, without saying a single word. 

Silence heavy with unspoken tension fills the room and it weighs heavily on Nayeon until she can barely stand it any longer. 

"Did you, Papa and Mama decide to cut short the Kyoto trip? Because - "

"You've been avoiding me," Sana interrupts in a measured voice that somehow manages to add more weight to the tense air between them. "Why?"

Nayeon swallows thickly. She knows this is the time to be honest, to just come clean to her best friend, but the confession lodges stubbornly in her throat.

What comes out instead is a weak deflection; hiding timidly behind the feeble smile Nayeon somehow manages to force onto her face. 

"I've just been busy and - "

"I've known you since we were  _seven_ , Im Nayeon," Sana cuts in, voice even sharper this time. Nayeon tries her best not to flinch but fails anyway at Sana's next words. "So please don't insult the eleven years of friendship we have by  _lying_." 

Nayeon takes a shaky breath. Then another. Then just ends up hanging her head in shame, her gaze now trained on the way her fingers are digging into the fabric of the sofa. 

She feels the sting of tears clouding her vision which is frustrating because telling someone you're in love with them shouldn't be this hard and - 

"You what?"

Nayeon's blood runs cold because  _oh my god_ , did she accidentally say that out loud? 

She lifts her gaze tremulously and freezes when she finds Sana's face just inches away from hers instead of all the way on the other side of the room. Somehow, she had failed to notice Sana moving. Nayeon wants to take a step back because the anger that lined Sana's face earlier has melted away but dear god, Sana is even more  _beautiful_  this close and Nayeon's feet seems to have forgotten how to move.

"Nayeon?" 

A hand comes up to rest gently on her cheek and Nayeon feels her breath hitch unwillingly. 

"Nayeonnie?" Sana repeats softly, thumb brushing over Nayeon's cheekbone. Gentle, soothing; always the anchor Nayeon needs to ground her no matter what. 

Something shifts inside Nayeon enough for her to find the courage to find the words after all. 

"I was terrified. You could have drowned in that bathtub and I've never been more terrified in my life," Nayeon admits then takes a deep steadying breath before confessing all at once. "I don't know what I'll do if I lose you."

There's a beat where the whole world seems to still in motion and all Nayeon can hear is the rapid staccato of her own heartbeat ringing in her ears. 

Then Sana shifts and tips her forehead against Nayeon's own. 

Another beat before Sana whispers fiercely, "You won't."

Then Sana closes the distance between them. Nayeon's eyes flutter closed and she thinks she lets out a surprised squeak. 

But Sana doesn't pull away, just kisses her harder. Nayeon tastes sunshine in the curve of Sana's lips and there's nothing else she can do but fall, letting herself drown in the gravity of Sana's warmth. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been waiting for this update. I really appreciate each and every one of you. 
> 
> My full-time job in the creative industry has been very demanding of my brain juices lately. But whenever the writer's block hits hard and no words come, I'll read all your comments and feel comforted <3
> 
> There may be longer waits between chapters from now on but I hope you will still stay with this story (and me) all the way until the end. 
> 
> Thank you once again for waiting and for all your support <3


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